For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Fear of 'Coming Out' Kept Son in Unnecessary Pain
DEAR ABBY: I wrote you some time ago, asking for your help because a girl I had been dating was pressuring me to introduce her to my father as my girlfriend. Actually, it was a little more complicated than that. I am bisexual, and she wasn't the only person I had been seeing. I had been wanting to tell my father about my bisexuality, but I was afraid I would lose him if I came out to him. Two days before your letter arrived, my girlfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't make the introduction.
Thank you for your very sound advice. I took it and called PFLAG. I explained what was happening in my life and my fear about what would happen if my father found out I was "bi." Well, a counselor talked to me at length about what happened when his son came out to him. He told me that because of the closeness my father and I share, I had nothing to fear. He advised me to come out to my father as soon as possible. I took the advice and had a little talk with Dad, and you know what? The counselor was right; my father had known I was bisexual since I was 13.
If I had just talked with Dad years ago instead of running away, it would have saved me a lot of pain and heartache.
Please print my letter along with PFLAG's phone number and address. My experience could be very helpful to some other young person out there. You may use my name. -- ROBIN
DEAR ROBIN: I'm pleased to print your letter. I'm gratified not only that PFLAG was helpful to you, but also that I'm able to remind readers about this worthwhile organization.
PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) was founded in 1981. Since then, its affiliates have grown to include chapters in more than 390 communities and all 50 states, the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and 11 foreign countries. Its mission: To promote the health and well-being of gays, lesbians and bisexual persons, their families and friends through support, education and advocacy -- to end discrimination and secure equal civil rights. PFLAG provides opportunity for dialogue about sexual orientation and acts to create a society that is healthy and respectful of human diversity.
PFLAG chapters provide the welcoming support of families and friends at local meetings, quarterly newsletters, invitations to local, regional and national events and conferences, opportunities to act against homophobia, and up-to-date information.
PFLAG is a tax-exempt, nonprofit 501(c)3 organization that is not affiliated with any political or religious institution. For information about a chapter in your area, write to PFLAG, 1101 14th St. N.W., Suite 1030, Washington, D.C. 20005; or call 1-202-638-4200.
PFLAG has my unqualified endorsement.
DEAR ABBY: Am I the only one who's irritated by the noise from leaf blowers?
I can understand using power lawn mowers, but my neighbors now use leaf blowers, too. They're oblivious as they put on their headphones and happily blow leaves and grass from one spot to another for hours -- usually on weekend mornings. What a racket!
I wish they'd consider the noise pollution when they're looking at motorized equipment for use in residential neighborhoods. Our cities are noisy enough. Why not use a broom and get some exercise at the same time? -- AN-NOISED IN AUSTIN, TEXAS
DEAR AN-NOISED: I suspect you're not the only one. Some communities are considering legislation to prevent leaf blowers from becoming major annoyances. It could be a battle royal because more than a few people would rather fight than give up this labor-saving device.
Widower With Stuck Ring Must Knuckle Under to Saw
DEAR ABBY: After 45 years of marriage, I became a widower three years ago. Ours was a double-ring ceremony in the Roman Catholic Church.
Other than the early days when my wedding band had to be wrapped with tape to prevent it from falling off my finger, it has not been off my hand.
Now, at age 70, I am romantically involved in a relationship with a lovely widow.
I would like to remove my wedding band and place it in the special ring box where my late wife's wedding band now is. My problem is it will no longer pass over my knuckle no matter how much lubricant I use. It would have to be cut off!
Can this be done? Or is it totally unthinkable? -- LONGTIME READER, NORRISTOWN, PA.
DEAR LONGTIME READER: Your problem can be easily resolved. Pay your favorite jeweler a visit and tell him you need help in getting your wedding ring off your finger because you may be in the market for an engagement ring in the near future. He or she will be happy to help you. Jewelers have a special tool just for this purpose.
Good luck; I admire your spirit.
DEAR ABBY: On a quick trip to the grocery store, an obviously caring mother left her two small children in the car with the keys in the ignition and the motor running to keep the air conditioner on, as it was a very hot day.
I watched in horror as the two little ones tried to "drive" -- twisting the steering wheel and turning the lights on and off. Then one of the children started to play with the buttons that raised and lowered the windows. I was afraid that one of them would get an arm -- or maybe a head -- caught in the window, so I rushed into the store and told the mother I was worried about her children.
Without uttering a word, she marched out of the store, put down the windows, turned off the motor and removed the car keys.
Abby, please warn parents never to leave small children in cars with the motor running. They could easily be kidnapped in a carjacking -- or push the car out of gear to roll into traffic.
One family I knew lost a son when his neck was caught in a closing window. -- A SMALL TOWN IN GEORGIA
DEAR SMALL TOWN: Your letter should be a reminder to all who drive automobiles: NEVER leave small children unattended in an automobile. Keep them with you. The child who's snatched or injured could be your own.
DEAR ABBY: After my father died, my 69-year-old mother started dating a 47-year-old married man with two children. He told her his marriage was "in name only" and the usual things that such men tell widows when they're trying to win them over.
Bottom line: He sold my mother a skating rink in North Carolina that didn't exist and took her for $100,000. That money was supposed to be her nest egg and help put her grandchildren through college.
Please, Abby, tell older widows to make no business dealings without consulting their own lawyer and/or financial adviser, or they may wind up in the poorhouse. -- MOTHER'S DAUGHTER IN MASS.
DEAR DAUGHTER: It is a pity that your mother was left so vulnerable and without a trusted adviser to help her manage her financial affairs after she lost your father. Of course she should not have entered into a business deal without having proper legal representation. Perhaps her bitter lesson will serve as a warning to others. I hope so.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DECISION TO DONATE ORGANS SHOULD BE A FAMILY AFFAIR
DEAR ABBY: There is a widespread public misconception that needs to be cleared up. Americans need to know that family consent, not a donor card, is required for organ donation to occur. Hospital personnel always require the consent of next-of-kin before procuring organs. Organ donor cards are effective only if they provide a stimulus for family discussions about the intention to become an organ donor, and the potential donor makes plain to his or her family the desire to make the donation.
In 1995, a review of medical records of deceased patients revealed that there were approximately 13,000 to 15,000 potential organ donors. But only about 5,346 individuals actually donated, despite the fact that the American public overwhelmingly supports organ donation.
Thanks in advance for your help in closing this unfortunate gap. -- TANA SHERMAN, PARTNERSHIP FOR ORGAN DONATION, BOSTON
DEAR TANA: Thank you for an important letter. Discussing one's desire to be an organ donor is a vital step in the organ donation process. When people sign donor cards, they make a commitment and express their wishes to be vital organ donors at the time of their death. But if family members are unaware of a potential donor's wishes, they can -- and often do -- react negatively when they are approached and asked to give their consent. If families understand in advance, there could be an estimated additional 16,000 transplants each year.
I will continue to urge my readers to sign organ donor cards and to discuss their wishes with their families. I believe that most families will agree to respect the wishes of their loved ones.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 20s and have been married for three years. My husband's first wife died eight years ago, but he keeps her memory alive. Her wheelchair is still in the corner of our bedroom, and he has everything she owned.
My question is: When does she die? When should he get rid of her things? I feel like I'm competing with a dead woman; I feel haunted. You are the only person I can talk to. I have no other friends. I would like to have counseling but cannot afford it. I am an emotional wreck. -- VERY CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED: Tell you husband what you have told me, and give him a month to get her things out of the house, with the understanding that if he doesn't, you will call a local charity that will accept them.
(It occurred to me that you could sell the items and use the money for counseling, but I have a hunch that this will be quicker and just as effective.)
DEAR READERS: I recently ran across these clever instructions for planting a special garden and couldn't resist sharing them:
First, plant five rows of peas: Preparedness, Promptness, Perseverance, Politeness and Prayer.
Next to them, plant three rows of squash: Squash Gossip, Squash Criticism and Squash Indifference.
Then five rows of lettuce: Let Us Be Faithful, Let Us Be Unselfish, Let Us Be Loyal, Let Us Be Truthful, Let Us Love One Another.
And no garden is complete without turnips: Turn Up for Church, Turn Up With a Smile, Turn Up With Determination.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)