For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Who Quit Smoking Gave Dad Best Possible Gift
DEAR ABBY: Let me tell you about the best Father's Day gift I ever received:
In 1987, my daughter, "Joan," who was 27 years old at the time, told me that she was having a difficult time selecting a Father's Day gift. She said she wanted to give me something special, but felt that I had everything. So she asked me what I wanted.
I told her that she had something in her power that was very special -- it was something that only she could give me.
I said, "If you will quit smoking for Father's Day, it would be the greatest gift you could ever give me. I would cherish this gift and celebrate it every Father's Day for the rest of my life."
Well, she quit smoking as a special gift to me, and now I not only have a daughter who can expect greatly improved health, but last year, she presented me with a beautiful, healthy grandson who also will enjoy a smoke-free environment. -- DICK BLANKENSHIP, LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR MR. BLANKENSHIP: Your daughter not only gave you a gift, she also gave your entire family a gift.
DEAR ABBY: Last year, before Father's Day, you suggested that children send a letter to their fathers telling them how much they loved them rather than the traditional Father's Day card.
I wrote my dad a letter and told him how much I admired him knowing that every morning he had to go to work to support a wife and eight children. We never went without a meal, we had the basic necessities, and we were always warm in the winter. And we had the love of two parents.
I remember in the seventh grade I sometimes spent the lunch money Dad gave me for candy and cigarettes instead of lunch. At the end of that year, Dad had to pay the school $16 for lunches I had charged. He never questioned the bill -- he just paid it.
In my Father's Day letter to him, I explained why he was sent that bill and enclosed a check for $16. He read the letter, cashed the check, and never mentioned the incident.
Mom later told me that she didn't know what I had written in that letter, but whatever it was brought tears to Dad's eyes, and several times since, she saw him in his room rereading that letter.
Thank you very much for the idea. It certainly has brought peace of mind to me, and finally I have been honest with my dad. -- MARY FUGATE, WEST COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR MARY: Words of gratitude are wonderful to hear, but when they are expressed in writing, they can be cherished indefinitely. Trust me, I know.
DEAR ABBY: While scanning my newspaper I saw several ads for Father's Day gifts, which brought to mind a poem I clipped from your column many years ago. Please run it again. -- MILWAUKEE FAN
DEAR MILWAUKEE FAN: Here it is:
YOUR NAME
You got it from your father,
It was all he had to give.
So it's yours to use and cherish
For as long as you may live.
If you lose the watch he gave you
It can always be replaced,
But a black mark on your name, Son,
Can never be erased.
It was clean the day you took it
And a worthy name to bear.
When he got it from his father,
There was no dishonor there.
So make sure you guard it wisely;
After all is said and done,
You'll be glad the name is spotless
When you give it to your son.
WOMAN HAS SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT OPPOSITE'S ATTRACTION
DEAR ABBY: I dated "James" for 18 months before he proposed. Our wedding is set for the fall of next year. James is loving, considerate and honest. However, we're completely opposite in our tastes and interests. I am romantic, artistic and impulsive. He is practical, predictable and stable.
I was happy with this relationship until a couple of months ago, when I went out to lunch several times with a single man I'll call "John." (We work together.) What began as a casual friendship seems to be developing into more. The attraction is mutual. We share the same values, the same likes and dislikes, and we often think alike. When I look at him, I see myself, so we're very compatible.
John, however, has a less-than-perfect past. He's been in some bad relationships and is twice divorced. He has a troubled family history and two teen-agers in therapy with numerous unresolved problems.
Abby, we both realize we won't remain "just friends" if we continue going out to lunch, etc. John hasn't mentioned marriage, but he has told me that he wants me in his life.
I think I love them both. James is safe. John is exciting. John knows about my fiance, but James doesn't have a clue. Should I go through with the wedding because I'm certain that James would be a good husband, or should I take my chances that John and I will find happiness together? -- BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED
DEAR BEWITCHED: If you are attracted to John, it's obvious that you are not in love with James. You would be doing James an enormous favor if you broke the engagement and freed him to find a woman who would love and appreciate him. And the sooner the better.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding your advice to "Hair Splitting": You advised her that a true friend would discreetly tell John that he desperately needs a new hairpiece. Also, since the friend admitted wishing he'd never started wearing a hairpiece, a true friend should suggest that John again consider appearing without the hairpiece.
For many years, in the world of entertainment, we had Yul Brynner and Telly Savalas showing us that "bald is beautiful." Today, there are athletes by the score making the same statement.
John might find that this is the way to go. You may use my name. -- DEREK VAN DEREN, SOUTH BEND, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: We are preparing for my son's bar mitzvah. He would like to invite the many elementary schoolteachers he had through the years. Would it be acceptable to invite all of these wonderful people without their spouses? We don't know the spouses, and feel the teachers would be comfortable being seated with one another at the reception. I don't want to appear tacky, but the expense would be double for people we don't know and who don't know us. Can we invite just the teachers?
Do not identify me, but please answer soon. -- GETTING READY
DEAR GETTING READY: Invite the teachers only. Those who want to accept will come without their spouses. Do not be hurt if some politely decline; those who accept will be there because they want to be there. Some schoolteachers, as a matter of policy, decline all such invitations because they feel that if they accept one, they will be obligated to accept all. (Also, buying gifts can get very expensive.)
All good wishes to you and your family, and Mazel Tov to the bar mitzvah boy!
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
BETTER TO LOSE WEDDING COSTS THAN TO GAIN ABUSIVE SPOUSE
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from the girl who got stuck with the $155 bridesmaid dress, I had to write.
When I was young (too young), I got engaged to a man I hadn't known very long. My parents were paying for the wedding and the attendants were paying for their own gowns and tuxedo rentals.
During the month before the wedding, my fiance began to show his true colors. He drank heavily and became physically and verbally abusive. I knew I should have called the wedding off, but I was worried about all the money my parents were spending on the wedding, so I foolishly kept quiet and went through with it. Big mistake!
Two years later, when I finally got the courage to leave him, my friends and family told they would not have minded losing the money if it saved me from the hell I endured while being married to this abusive man.
Real friends forgive each other. -- MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR MINNEAPOLIS: Thank you for a letter that may save many women from making the mistake you made. This also applies to men. If either the bride or groom has second thoughts about their feelings, it would be far better to call the wedding off. While it may cause the other party to be upset, in the long run, it would be far better for all concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I saw the letter from "Worried in California," whose 14-year-old daughter was driven home from baby sitting by a drunk parent.
I grew up in New Orleans and was told at an early age that if I ever needed a ride home for any reason -- but especially alcohol -- at any time of day or night, to call home and one of my parents would come and get me with no questions asked. Mom gave me a quarter, which I carried with me whenever I went out. As I was leaving, I would hear, "Have a good time. Do you have your quarter?"
Only once did I have to call home, not because of alcohol, but when a date turned abusive. He took my purse and refused to give it back, but I still had my quarter -- in my shoe.
Abby, please continue to advise parents to tell their children never to get into a car with a driver who has been drinking. Our children are irreplaceable. -- C.L. DOWN SOUTH
DEAR C.L.: Be assured I will continue to harp on that theme until my typewriter falls apart. Thanks for an excellent letter.
DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated With Papa Hoarder," whose father refuses to throw away anything, should get him to a mental health professional who is skilled in diagnosing and treating obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
Her father's failure to handle his affairs is probably not due to incompetence, but to the overwhelming fear of throwing away something important; therefore, he keeps everything. His senseless saving of stacks of printed matter and refusal to accept help in discarding them could be symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, a problem that affects 5 million Americans and is quite treatable.
To obtain referral for treatment and information on OCD, "Frustrated With Papa Hoarder" can contact the OCD Foundation, P.O. Box 70, Milford, Conn. 06460-0070. -- PAUL R. MUNFORD, PH.D., CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)