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WOMAN HAS SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT OPPOSITE'S ATTRACTION
DEAR ABBY: I dated "James" for 18 months before he proposed. Our wedding is set for the fall of next year. James is loving, considerate and honest. However, we're completely opposite in our tastes and interests. I am romantic, artistic and impulsive. He is practical, predictable and stable.
I was happy with this relationship until a couple of months ago, when I went out to lunch several times with a single man I'll call "John." (We work together.) What began as a casual friendship seems to be developing into more. The attraction is mutual. We share the same values, the same likes and dislikes, and we often think alike. When I look at him, I see myself, so we're very compatible.
John, however, has a less-than-perfect past. He's been in some bad relationships and is twice divorced. He has a troubled family history and two teen-agers in therapy with numerous unresolved problems.
Abby, we both realize we won't remain "just friends" if we continue going out to lunch, etc. John hasn't mentioned marriage, but he has told me that he wants me in his life.
I think I love them both. James is safe. John is exciting. John knows about my fiance, but James doesn't have a clue. Should I go through with the wedding because I'm certain that James would be a good husband, or should I take my chances that John and I will find happiness together? -- BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED
DEAR BEWITCHED: If you are attracted to John, it's obvious that you are not in love with James. You would be doing James an enormous favor if you broke the engagement and freed him to find a woman who would love and appreciate him. And the sooner the better.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding your advice to "Hair Splitting": You advised her that a true friend would discreetly tell John that he desperately needs a new hairpiece. Also, since the friend admitted wishing he'd never started wearing a hairpiece, a true friend should suggest that John again consider appearing without the hairpiece.
For many years, in the world of entertainment, we had Yul Brynner and Telly Savalas showing us that "bald is beautiful." Today, there are athletes by the score making the same statement.
John might find that this is the way to go. You may use my name. -- DEREK VAN DEREN, SOUTH BEND, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: We are preparing for my son's bar mitzvah. He would like to invite the many elementary schoolteachers he had through the years. Would it be acceptable to invite all of these wonderful people without their spouses? We don't know the spouses, and feel the teachers would be comfortable being seated with one another at the reception. I don't want to appear tacky, but the expense would be double for people we don't know and who don't know us. Can we invite just the teachers?
Do not identify me, but please answer soon. -- GETTING READY
DEAR GETTING READY: Invite the teachers only. Those who want to accept will come without their spouses. Do not be hurt if some politely decline; those who accept will be there because they want to be there. Some schoolteachers, as a matter of policy, decline all such invitations because they feel that if they accept one, they will be obligated to accept all. (Also, buying gifts can get very expensive.)
All good wishes to you and your family, and Mazel Tov to the bar mitzvah boy!
BETTER TO LOSE WEDDING COSTS THAN TO GAIN ABUSIVE SPOUSE
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from the girl who got stuck with the $155 bridesmaid dress, I had to write.
When I was young (too young), I got engaged to a man I hadn't known very long. My parents were paying for the wedding and the attendants were paying for their own gowns and tuxedo rentals.
During the month before the wedding, my fiance began to show his true colors. He drank heavily and became physically and verbally abusive. I knew I should have called the wedding off, but I was worried about all the money my parents were spending on the wedding, so I foolishly kept quiet and went through with it. Big mistake!
Two years later, when I finally got the courage to leave him, my friends and family told they would not have minded losing the money if it saved me from the hell I endured while being married to this abusive man.
Real friends forgive each other. -- MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR MINNEAPOLIS: Thank you for a letter that may save many women from making the mistake you made. This also applies to men. If either the bride or groom has second thoughts about their feelings, it would be far better to call the wedding off. While it may cause the other party to be upset, in the long run, it would be far better for all concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I saw the letter from "Worried in California," whose 14-year-old daughter was driven home from baby sitting by a drunk parent.
I grew up in New Orleans and was told at an early age that if I ever needed a ride home for any reason -- but especially alcohol -- at any time of day or night, to call home and one of my parents would come and get me with no questions asked. Mom gave me a quarter, which I carried with me whenever I went out. As I was leaving, I would hear, "Have a good time. Do you have your quarter?"
Only once did I have to call home, not because of alcohol, but when a date turned abusive. He took my purse and refused to give it back, but I still had my quarter -- in my shoe.
Abby, please continue to advise parents to tell their children never to get into a car with a driver who has been drinking. Our children are irreplaceable. -- C.L. DOWN SOUTH
DEAR C.L.: Be assured I will continue to harp on that theme until my typewriter falls apart. Thanks for an excellent letter.
DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated With Papa Hoarder," whose father refuses to throw away anything, should get him to a mental health professional who is skilled in diagnosing and treating obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
Her father's failure to handle his affairs is probably not due to incompetence, but to the overwhelming fear of throwing away something important; therefore, he keeps everything. His senseless saving of stacks of printed matter and refusal to accept help in discarding them could be symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, a problem that affects 5 million Americans and is quite treatable.
To obtain referral for treatment and information on OCD, "Frustrated With Papa Hoarder" can contact the OCD Foundation, P.O. Box 70, Milford, Conn. 06460-0070. -- PAUL R. MUNFORD, PH.D., CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, SACRAMENTO, CALIF.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Large, Loving Family Extends From Present Back Into Past
DEAR ABBY: I was offended by your response to "Nameless, Of Course," who was upset that her former brother-in-law's new wife had "corrected" her when she introduced them as "my brother-in-law and his wife, JoAnn," by injecting, "He WAS your brother-in-law."
You were way off base to label the new wife as a "petty, insecure woman." I think that label better applies to the former sister-in-law.
As the wife of a former widower, I know you were correct when you stated that marriage is more than the joining of two individuals; it is also the joining of families. But Abby, if joining families is a goal, why would you condone this obvious exclusion of the current wife? If "Wayne" is her "brother-in-law" and "JoAnn" is "his wife," apparently HE is still considered a part of the family, but SHE (the newcomer) is not! She felt she was treated as an intruder, hence her strong public corrections. No one likes to be on the outside looking in, particularly when her spouse is on the inside while she stands out in the cold.
I have watched some of my husband's former in-laws struggle with this. Those who seem to have the greatest difficulty are the ones who have not accepted the death of my husband's first wife. My husband reacts to this by seeing as little as possible of his former in-laws, who continue to live in the past and cannot accept his new life -- or me.
My mother-in-law handles these situations in the classiest, warmest way I've ever seen. At 79 years young, she has dealt with a lot of "comings and goings." In her eyes, everyone is an in-law. Her brother died at age 39, and his widow is now on her third husband. Mom always introduces them as "my sister-in-law and brother-in-law," and we refer to them as "aunt and uncle." Now that's a beautiful welcome into the family. Ours is a large extended family with many in-laws, and our family events are truly special because everyone feels included.
"Nameless" should take the hint, back off, and accept JoAnn as the newest member of the family. That way, she would gain a sister-in-law, and her "former" brother-in-law would have the family support he and his new wife need in order to succeed in their new life together. -- AM THERE, DOING THAT
DEAR AM THERE: You are very perceptive. Your letter illustrates the importance of being compassionate and accepting of new in-laws. The reward is having an extended, loving family. I appreciate your input.
DEAR ABBY: I am a receptionist in a large, busy medical office with lots of people coming in and going out, and phones constantly ringing.
Which person should I take care of first? The one on the phone, or the patient who is waiting patiently in front of me?
I try to take care of everyone in a timely manner, but there are days when it's impossible to please everyone. -- OVERWHELMED
DEAR OVERWHELMED: After determining it is not an emergency, ask the person on the phone to please give you a telephone number, and say you will return the call when you are free. Then, deal with the person who made a trip to the medical office.
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