To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Large, Loving Family Extends From Present Back Into Past
DEAR ABBY: I was offended by your response to "Nameless, Of Course," who was upset that her former brother-in-law's new wife had "corrected" her when she introduced them as "my brother-in-law and his wife, JoAnn," by injecting, "He WAS your brother-in-law."
You were way off base to label the new wife as a "petty, insecure woman." I think that label better applies to the former sister-in-law.
As the wife of a former widower, I know you were correct when you stated that marriage is more than the joining of two individuals; it is also the joining of families. But Abby, if joining families is a goal, why would you condone this obvious exclusion of the current wife? If "Wayne" is her "brother-in-law" and "JoAnn" is "his wife," apparently HE is still considered a part of the family, but SHE (the newcomer) is not! She felt she was treated as an intruder, hence her strong public corrections. No one likes to be on the outside looking in, particularly when her spouse is on the inside while she stands out in the cold.
I have watched some of my husband's former in-laws struggle with this. Those who seem to have the greatest difficulty are the ones who have not accepted the death of my husband's first wife. My husband reacts to this by seeing as little as possible of his former in-laws, who continue to live in the past and cannot accept his new life -- or me.
My mother-in-law handles these situations in the classiest, warmest way I've ever seen. At 79 years young, she has dealt with a lot of "comings and goings." In her eyes, everyone is an in-law. Her brother died at age 39, and his widow is now on her third husband. Mom always introduces them as "my sister-in-law and brother-in-law," and we refer to them as "aunt and uncle." Now that's a beautiful welcome into the family. Ours is a large extended family with many in-laws, and our family events are truly special because everyone feels included.
"Nameless" should take the hint, back off, and accept JoAnn as the newest member of the family. That way, she would gain a sister-in-law, and her "former" brother-in-law would have the family support he and his new wife need in order to succeed in their new life together. -- AM THERE, DOING THAT
DEAR AM THERE: You are very perceptive. Your letter illustrates the importance of being compassionate and accepting of new in-laws. The reward is having an extended, loving family. I appreciate your input.
DEAR ABBY: I am a receptionist in a large, busy medical office with lots of people coming in and going out, and phones constantly ringing.
Which person should I take care of first? The one on the phone, or the patient who is waiting patiently in front of me?
I try to take care of everyone in a timely manner, but there are days when it's impossible to please everyone. -- OVERWHELMED
DEAR OVERWHELMED: After determining it is not an emergency, ask the person on the phone to please give you a telephone number, and say you will return the call when you are free. Then, deal with the person who made a trip to the medical office.
HOSPITAL'S OVERSIGHT NEARLY CANCELS ORGAN DONOR'S WISH
DEAR ABBY: My loving, vibrant 68-year-old mother suffered a massive stroke in January. When the doctor told us there was nothing they could do, we told him and the emergency room staff that she wanted to be an organ donor. When Mother was alive, she frequently stressed how much it would mean to her to help others in this way.
As Mother lingered in a coma in the intensive care unit, her nurse called us, suggesting we return to the hospital to say our final goodbyes. Her blood pressure was falling quickly and death could be imminent.
When we arrived, I asked the attending nurse how the organ donation process works. He stared at me blankly and was surprised to hear Mother was an organ donor. They immediately started administering medication to sustain her organs.
I'm grateful I spoke up before she passed away and her organs were no longer viable.
Thankfully, five people benefited from her liver, corneas and kidneys. Her heart and lungs are being used for medical studies.
The local organ bank told me that this is a common oversight in hospitals, and one they are trying hard to remedy with hospital staff members.
I hope others learn from my experience and make sure that organ donation is carried out for their loved ones. It takes more than just checking the organ donor box on your driver's license to ensure the gift of life to others. -- KERRY ZICKERT, CLARENDON HILLS, ILL.
DEAR KERRY: Thank you for an important letter and for wanting to alert families of prospective organ donors about your experience. Although the number of potential organ donors remains about the same, the demand for organs continues to grow.
It's a tragedy when organs, which can mean the difference between life and death, are lost because of a lack of communication between families and health-care professionals.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Arthur," and I have been married 3 1/2 years and have a 1-year-old daughter.
My problem may seem minor, but it is extremely frustrating. Every night after dinner, Arthur lies down on the couch to watch television. He then falls asleep. About 2 or 3 a.m., he comes upstairs and crawls into bed with me. Abby, we never cuddle or fall asleep together. I'm very hurt that we don't spend any time alone at the end of the day like most married couples.
I have discussed my feelings with Arthur many times. He understands that it upsets me but says he can't go to bed as early as I do. He says he really enjoys watching TV and the "dozing off" feeling is relaxing for him. I'm at the point of wanting to lock him out of the bedroom so he can watch TV and sleep on the couch all night. What do you advise? -- SLEEPING ALONE IN MINNESOTA
DEAR SLEEPING ALONE: Buy a small television set for the bedroom, with earphones for Arthur. Get yourself some earplugs and a sleep mask, if necessary. Then Arthur can enjoy dozing off in front of the TV, and you will have him in bed next to you.
If he objects to this solution, television may not be the only problem in your marriage. Consider counseling.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER FEELS SHARP TEETH OF HER THANKLESS DAUGHTERS
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three children, all over 40. I am 76.
Five years ago, I lost my only son; a year later my husband passed away (both of heart disease). Since their deaths, my daughters have taken a hard and bitter attitude toward me. There was never an offer of help to ease my grief, nor has there been any interest in anything except what I can do for them.
I have watched their children, paid dental bills and made mortgage payments, but there seems to be no feeling of warmth or consideration for me at any time. They scream at me for the least thing. Their visits are brief or none at all. They say they will come to visit me, and they don't show.
I took care of their ailing father for 20 years, with no offer of help from them. Are today's children a different breed from those of us who were taught to honor our parents?
Please don't suggest consulting my minister. I am ashamed to let him know the way my children treat me. I have shed many tears and lost countless hours of sleep fretting and praying about this. Please don't use my name or town for obvious reasons. -- UNWILLING OUTCAST
DEAR OUTCAST: Please stop trying to understand your children; concentrate on taking care of yourself instead. Find friends with whom you can share your pain. Talk to your minister; he will not judge you (clergy of all faiths hear many family secrets) and can help you find solace. Then look for a family who needs a grandmother and "adopt" them. They'll be glad to have you, and you'll be glad you did.
DEAR ABBY: I do volunteer work at the Humane Society to help out with the animals that people have "thrown away." It breaks my heart to see the stream of wonderful, gentle, well-mannered, loving animals that are dropped here because maybe they're not convenient anymore to their owners -- or for whatever reason a person could abandon one who loves them so much.
You frequently remind people to give stuffed animals as gifts rather than living animals, unless they are absolutely certain that the owners will properly care for them. And you also say that "Living creatures are not 'toys' to be mauled, abused or neglected." Hurray for you! People need to be reminded that pets of any sort are feeling creatures and very dependent. They require planning and a long-term commitment even before one decides to bring them home.
Abby, a million thanks for speaking out for those who cannot speak. -- JULIE SENDROWSKI, AVON, COLO.
DEAR JULIE: And a million thanks to you for your heartfelt reminder to any well-meaning reader who may be considering a living creature as a gift.
DEAR ABBY: Recently a child in my husband's family was to undergo surgery. The child's mother asked all of the family members to donate blood. This child has A positive blood, and everyone in my husband's family except him also has A positive blood. My husband's blood type is O positive.
Abby, I am convinced that the people he knows as his parents are not his biological parents. My husband will not mention this to them unless someone more knowledgeable than I tells him it's unlikely that these two people are his parents. I feel it is his right to know who his parents are.
Do you think that the people he believes are his parents actually are? Or do you feel that he should confront them and ask for a DNA test? -- NAMELESS IN ARIZONA
DEAR NAMELESS: Your husband's parents are not hiding anything from him. I checked with Jeffrey Morris, M.D., Ph.D., the director of Long Beach Genetics in Long Beach, Calif., who assured me that two parents with A positive blood can, most definitely, have a child with O positive blood. I vote with the doctor. Stop stirring the pot.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)