Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Men Also Take It on the Chin From Spouses Who Abuse
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing the warning signs of an abusive partner. However, you have unfairly portrayed men as the only abusers. Not so; women can also be abusers.
My brother was married to a physically abusive woman who exhibited all 15 points you mentioned in your column. It wasn't until he joined a support group and heard about similar experiences that he realized he wasn't the only man who got beat up by a woman.
After much research, I find that women are just as abusive as men in relationships.
Women are able to get away with abusing men because most men are too embarrassed to report it. With the massive attention now given to domestic violence, I feel it's time the other side of the story is told.
Abby, I am sure it would be a great relief to many men to see this in print. -- E.V. LILAND, DALLAS
DEAR E.V. LILAND: If what you state is true, that women are just as abusive as men in relationships, then I would like to see the statistics. Although I have no doubt that many men have been subjected to abuse by their spouses, my experts tell me that their numbers are dwarfed by the vast number of women who experience physical abuse at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends.
While researching a column about spousal abuse a year or so ago, I inquired if shelters were available for male victims of spousal battery. I was told that there are no shelters for men in California. Men are presumed able to provide for themselves.
Abused women are often captives in the abusive relationship, fearing that if they leave, they will be killed. Frequently they have been isolated by their abuser, have no money, credit or job skills, and feel they'll be unable to support themselves and their children. The same is not true for men.
DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, you published a letter from "Florida Wife," whose husband needs oxygen all the time and must carry a portable tank when they go out. She asked what to do in a restaurant when her husband needs to use the restroom, as the tank is too cumbersome for him to manage alone.
I also have to be on oxygen around the clock and have found the portable tank very inconvenient. Through my oxygen company, I obtained an "Oxymatic" (a lightweight computer that's attached to a gauge and to a canister filled with concentrated oxygen). It weighs only 4 pounds and can be used up to 7 1/2 to eight hours. It comes in a compact, nice-looking carrying case and can be carried by the handle or a shoulder strap. It's very convenient, and I easily manage alone in restrooms.
"Florida Wife" should contact her husband's oxygen company. I understand the cost is covered by Medicare.
Abby, I hope this information will help someone -- it has certainly made my life easier. You may use my name. -- JEAN BRIXIUS, LAKEWOOD, COLO.
DEAR JEAN: Your suggestion of a more compact oxygen system is excellent and should prove helpful to those who are required to have oxygen with them at all times. I checked, and portable and stationary oxygen equipment is covered by Medicare.
DEAR ABBY: I've found that stopping the flow of junk mail is nearly impossible. I once telephoned a catalog company and asked that my name be deleted.
Sure enough, my next catalog was addressed to: "Mary Delete McEvoy." -- MARY T. MC EVOY, D.D.S., MINNEAPOLIS
Memorial to Unknown Soldier Honors Sacrifice Made for All
DEAR ABBY: You seem to have answers to just about everything, so I'm wondering if you can help me on this:
When was the Unknown Soldier buried in Washington, D.C.? Also, in which branch of the military was he? In which war did he fight? How was he identified? Was the soldier a male or a female?
Thanks for any information you can give me. -- LILLIE NORRIS, HUGO, OKLA.
DEAR LILLIE NORRIS: When World War I ended, officials from the Allied countries -- Belgium, France, Great Britain, Italy and the United States -- found that the bodies of many soldiers killed in battle could not be identified. The governments decided to honor the memory of those soldiers in some special way. Each government chose a symbolic unknown soldier (probably male since females were not sent into battle at that time), buried the remains near their national capitol, and built a monument in honor of that soldier.
Belgium placed its unknown soldier in a tomb at the base of Colonnade of the Congress in Brussels.
France buried its unknown soldier beneath the Arc de Triomphe in the center of Paris, and keeps a perpetual flame burning over the grave.
Great Britain buried its unknown soldier in Westminster Abbey.
Italy's unknown soldier lies in front of the monument to Victor Emmanuel in Rome.
The unknown soldier of the United States was one of four unidentified war dead taken from American cemeteries in France. An American soldier, Sgt. Edward Younger, selected the soldier from these four. The remains were brought to the U.S. Capitol to lie in state.
On Armistice Day, Nov. 11, 1921, the soldier was buried in Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia, across the Potomac River from Washington, D.C. The tomb, completed in 1931, has a white marble sarcophagus over the grave and bears the inscription, "Here rests in honored glory an American soldier known but to God."
Congress later directed that an unknown soldier from each of three wars -- World War II, the Korean War and the Vietnam War -- be buried near or beside the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. The World War II and Korean War unknown soldiers were buried in marble crypts at the head of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier on Memorial Day in 1958. The unknown soldier from the Vietnam War was buried between them.
A memorial amphitheater, built by the Grand Army of the Republic to honor members of the armed forces killed in battle, stands near the tomb. Memorial Day services are held there each year.
An honor guard from the Honor Guard Co. of the 1st Battle Group, 3rd Infantry, Fort Myer, Va., keeps a sentry on duty at the tomb at all times. The sentry is changed every hour during the day and about every two hours at night.
Today we honor all those who have given their lives in the line of duty -- on land, at sea and in the air.
God speed the day when we can settle our differences with words instead of bombs and gunfire. Only then we can claim to be truly civilized.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GRADUATING FROM SCHOOL MAY REQUIRE COURSE IN SELF-DEFENSE
DEAR ABBY: You were way off the mark in your response to "Scared in Pennsylvania," the seventh-grader whose school was full of weapons and drugs. Since "Scared" wanted advice on how to protect him or herself, I hope you will publish the following tips as soon as possible. Platitudes like "be brave" mean squat when you're facing a knife or worse. Kids do need to know these skills, whether or not adults consider it necessary.
(1) First, take a self-defense course at your local YMCA or community college. If it's not offered, they'll know where it's available. Your school might offer something similar, maybe boxing or karate. I was no athlete, but neither was I known as a couch potato. Make certain you aren't perceived as physically vulnerable, especially if you're a girl. (I am.)
(2) When someone approaches you about drugs, don't look at him or her if you can avoid it. Shake your head, say no, and keep walking. Be matter-of-fact, calm, and don't worry about appearing impolite. Politeness isn't important to people like that.
(3) Same with fights. GET OUT OF THERE! You might not know whether the involved parties have weapons, but don't stay to find out. "Cool" kids will probably watch, but smart ones won't. (Gawkers can get shot or stabbed just as easily as the idiots who are fighting.) NOW is the time to tell an adult -- any adult -- but don't offer your name to that person if you can avoid it. A simple, "There's a fight down there," and a pointed finger will do.
(4) Learn which adults are cool about not naming names and get to know them. Those are the ones to trust in a tough spot. But be selective about how often you fill them in. If you're pegged a snitch, the rest of your time in that school will be miserable, if not dangerous.
(5) On the other hand, if you're ever backed into a corner, scream your head off! It will draw attention and make you a less easy victim. If you're shy, or afraid you won't be able to scream, PRACTICE. (Just warn your family before you start.)
(6) Finally, be alert. If you see hands flashing in ways you don't understand, go the other way. Don't go in or stay in stairwells or restrooms alone; even if you're not with a friend, walk quietly behind a group. If you can't avoid being alone, be prepared to walk into a classroom if you're followed. It's hard to do if you're shy, but teachers will understand if you tell them what's up.
If, after graduating, you feel your school is not a place you would want to send your kids, then try working within the system to change it, or consider moving. I did the latter, and I have never regretted my decision. -- BEEN THERE
DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for an excellent and informative letter. Your suggestions are sure to be appreciated by many teens who feel threatened at school. It's a long way from my high school days, when chewing gum in the classroom was considered a major infraction.
DEAR ABBY: You don't deserve "10 whacks with a wet diaper ..." for your advice to "Old-Fashioned Grandma" concerning mixed-generation showering. You said that she was not old-fashioned, that "a 3-year-old child should not shower or bathe with a parent of the opposite sex ..." Surely you know that because some activity is popular for a time, it is not necessarily wise. I think you were right. You just have to be prepared to be unpopular in some circles -- for a while. -- ALBERT W. EISENHAUER, BALLSTON SPA, N.Y.
DEAR ALBERT: Thanks. I needed that.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)