For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
'DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF' IS HAPPY WIFE'S GOOD ADVICE
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I celebrated our eighth wedding anniversary recently. He is 70 and I am 56. He had been married for many years and was a widower when we met. I had never been married. Abby, I lived 48 years without a husband, so I know how to appreciate the loving sweetheart I have now.
When I see letters about husbands and wives picking each other apart over trifles, I just shake my head. If they'd had to wait as long as I did, they wouldn't waste time fighting over insignificant issues like whether a toilet seat should be up or down, or whether he picked out an appropriate gift.
We may not always agree on everything, but we would never wound each other and ruin a loving marriage with harsh, cutting words. Life is too short ever to go to bed mad.
Having my husband sit across from me at dinner and sleeping next to me at night is the greatest gift I could ever ask for. I thank God for him every day, and I let him know how much he's loved. Thanks for letting me express my feelings. -- THE HAPPIEST WOMAN IN OHIO
DEAR HAPPIEST WOMAN: Thank you for a day-brightener. You and your husband must be a delight, not only to each other, but also to those around you. I hope your letter reminds couples everywhere to take a second, more appreciative look at the person sitting across the breakfast table.
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Lucy" has been dating "Mark" for two years, and they just got engaged.
After several outings at the beginning of their relationship, I decided that I didn't like Mark. I thought the way he treated Lucy and me was rude and obnoxious. I told Lucy that I wouldn't socialize with Mark anymore and told her my reason.
Now that Lucy and Mark are engaged to be married, however, she keeps pushing me to meet him again, saying I never gave him a fair chance. I stand by my decision. When she asked what would happen when she married him, I told her I would be cordial, but if she expected me to come over for dinner or to play bridge with him, I wouldn't. I don't like Mark and he doesn't like me.
Then Lucy dropped a bomb. Abby, she says if I won't accept Mark, then I am abusing her and our friendship. I was floored. How am I supposed to respond to that? -- ABUSER OR ABUSED?
DEAR ABUSER OR ABUSED: You are abusing neither Lucy nor the friendship. Your opinion of him clearly hasn't influenced her decision -- Lucy and Mark are now engaged. Since tolerating Mark is now a condition of your continued friendship with Lucy, you must decide whether you're willing to pay that price.
DEAR ABBY: I need advice on how to handle a well-meaning friend who continually asks me how much money I spend on things I wear and also purchase for my home. I find this very rude on her part.
She has been a good friend for many years, but her questions about the cost of everything are really getting on my nerves. How do I get my point across without losing her friendship? -- NO NAME, INITIALS OR TOWN
DEAR NO NAME: Try this (with a smile, of course): "I will forgive you for asking, if you will forgive me for not answering."
FULLY EQUIPPED VACATION CONDO COMES WITH ITS OWN HANDGUN
DEAR ABBY: Family vacation season is almost upon us, and I'd like to share an experience that my husband and I will never forget. Several years ago, my husband's family gathered for a reunion at a resort in the Midwest. When we arrived, we found our rented condos well-maintained and spotlessly clean.
While my husband and adventurous 5-year-old son explored the grounds, I put our 14-month-old daughter to bed for a nap and started unpacking.
Next to the Bible in the bedside table drawer -- within easy reach of inquisitive children -- I discovered a handgun. I called the security office and demanded they remove it immediately.
Several hours later, I received a call from Housekeeping indicating there was a problem with our accommodations and that someone would be right over to take care of it. I informed them that I had already found the "problem" and it had been removed by Security. The housekeeper apologized profusely and admitted that the maid had reported the handgun, but Housekeeping had forgotten to remove it. It wasn't until they saw on the hotel registration that young children were also occupying our unit that someone remembered.
Abby, please remind your readers that just because accommodations are clean doesn't mean they are safe. My 5-year-old could just as easily have discovered that weapon. (But the danger could have been something else -- a syringe, a condom or prescription medication.)
I'm happy to say that we had a wonderful vacation and returned home healthy and in one piece. I hope this letter will help others do the same. -- MARION W. ATHEARN, FALL RIVER, MASS.
DEAR MARION: Thank you for a valuable reminder that travelers (especially parents) should make it a top priority to thoroughly check their accommodations (drawers, closets, cupboards) before they unpack.
DEAR ABBY: Our parents are getting a divorce after a long and unhappy marriage.
Soon after Dad filed for divorce, he met and started dating a woman who is a few years younger. She seems very nice. The problem is, Dad made us promise not to tell Mom that he was dating.
We agreed not to talk about it, but Mom found out from someone else, and now she's angry at us for having kept it from her. Our grandmother sides with Mom. Both say we were disloyal for not telling her.
We don't think it was our duty to share such information, especially since we were pretty sure Mom would be upset to hear the news. Were we wrong? -- TWO BROTHERS AND A SISTER
DEAR BROTHERS AND SISTER: No. Your parents have put you in the middle of what appears to be a bitter divorce, and it's unfair of them to put you in a compromising situation, or heap guilt on you.
You should not be forced to take sides. What your parents do should be their own business, and children should not be forced to withhold information or be stool pigeons.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother Welcomes Questions About Daughter's Rare Disease
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Illinois Reader," whose husband has an incurable illness and wants people to refrain from asking about him when she's out in public, as she'd like a break from her heavy responsibilities:
My daughter was also diagnosed with a rare, incurable disease, and it's hard for me to understand "Illinois Reader" not wanting her friends to ask about her husband.
At the time of my daughter's diagnosis, she was expected to live only a few weeks. Well, that was nearly a year ago, and she is doing much, much better. However, many of our so-called "friends" did not visit and have also stopped asking about her. Although my daughter hasn't stopped living, caring or loving, it seems that our friends have!
Right now, we need all the love, support and prayers we can get. So I say: "Please ask me how my daughter is doing. It lets me know that you care and still think about us. It is not an invasion of privacy, nor is it an intrusion into our lives."
I'm sorry that "Illinois Reader" feels so burdened that she needs a break from it all. However, it is even more unfortunate that many people will not ask other caregivers about their loved ones. You may print my name. -- JACQUI TAPTTO, LAWTON, OKLA.
DEAR JACQUI: It's possible your friends do not mean to be selfish or inconsiderate. Many people don't know what to say when someone they know is experiencing a crisis. They feel awkward and react by avoiding the subject. As illustrated by you and "Illinois Reader," each caregiver has different needs, and no one is a mind reader. It is up to you (and all caregivers) to offer guidance by expressing your needs to friends and relatives. Your honesty will be appreciated, and you will appreciate the results.
DEAR ABBY: I am a professional counselor, and I counsel many teen-aged girls. Often they tell me things like, "I went out with this guy and I got pregnant" -- as if "going out" somehow caused the pregnancy.
I've come to realize over the years that many girls have never been told how to diplomatically say "no" to sex. It appears they frequently say "yes" just so they won't seem rude.
You would be doing your readers a great service if you asked young girls to write and answer the question, "How did you 'just say no'?" -- CONCERNED COUNSELOR, PASADENA, CALIF.
DEAR CONCERNED COUNSELOR: You have made an excellent suggestion. While teen-aged girls may have the most difficulty with this issue, they are not alone. People of all ages (and both sexes) also struggle with it. Readers, what works for you? How do you "just say no" to a sexual encounter you do not wish to have, or do not feel ready for?
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from "New Jersey Reader" who attended a wedding where the bride's grandmother pushed the younger women out of the way so she could catch the bouquet.
At my wedding seven years ago, my grandmother also made sure she caught the bouquet. But unlike "New Jersey Reader," I was delighted -- and proud! (My grandparents' marriage lasted more than 40 years before Grandpa passed away.) Everyone had a great time at our reception, and the "bouquet incident" (as it has become known) made the event even more memorable.
My grandmother still has the bouquet, and I know that it's very special to her. She always had a beautiful flower garden, and she was the one who supplied most of the flowers for our wedding.
I don't remember who caught the garter, but I'll always remember who caught the bouquet! -- DEBRA STALNAKER, HELENA, MONT.
DEAR DEBRA: Your grandmother sounds like a special lady. Thanks for sharing a lovely memory.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)