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Media Diet of Violence and Sex Leaves Readers Feeling Queasy
DEAR ABBY: I respectfully disagree with Howard Childress, whose letter appeared in a recent column. Mr. Childress maintained that sex, violence and bad language on TV are merely reflections of society and do not really influence the viewers.
If he were right, advertising agencies across the nation would be out of business.
Through those ad agencies, U.S. advertisers are spending billions (that's with a "B") per year to influence viewers to buy their products and services. They know how much television influences viewers; they have tested it many times!
Abby, imagine a dialogue between a concerned viewer and a TV executive. It might go something like this:
CONCERNED VIEWER: Mr. Television Executive, your shows have too much sex, violence and bad language in them. They're a bad influence on our young viewers.
TV EXECUTIVE: Our shows just reflect society; we don't really influence viewers. They will do what they want, no matter what we put no TV.
VIEWER: Fine, Mr. Executive. I want to buy a minute of advertising on one of your prime-time shows. How much will that cost?
EXECUTIVE: We can let you have a minute of prime-time advertising for just $100,000.
VIEWER: What? $100,000! Why so much?
EXECUTIVE: Because we reach so many households and so many potential buyers of your products and services. We know we have great influence with our advertising; we've tested it.
VIEWER: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that sex, violence and bad language don't influence your viewers, but your advertising influences your viewers so much that you are going to charge me $100,000 per minute for it?
EXECUTIVE: Yes. That's exactly what I'm telling you.
VIEWER: Well, I think I'll find another way to spend my money. -- KEN LEINWEBER, WILLINGBORO, N.J.
DEAR MR. LEINWEBER: I was inundated with letters from readers who disagreed with Howard Childress. For a sample, read on:
DEAR ABBY: Although a regular reader, I have never written before. But I had to respond to Howard Childress about the media reflecting rather than setting the standards, values and trends of society.
He is right, of course. But the media are not off the hook. The human condition has always included a base nature. In the name of money, the media are pandering to that nature.
There will always be a market for trash. Media leaders could and should use their positions of power and influence to reflect the best in us. When they choose to reflect the worse, a dirty atmosphere is created, which adds to the downward spiral of morals and values we now see. The media certainly contribute to this spiral.
If you print this, you are welcome to use my name. -- JONATHAN ROTH, PLANO, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from Howard Childress, who said the media only reflect the trends of society rather than set them:
You, sans qualification, replied that there was truth in his observation. We have ample evidence that the media do, in fact, affect how people behave. Would Mr. Childress suggest that commercials are merely a reflection of people's buying habits? Aren't they actually deciding our buying habits?
Mr. Childress used stories from the Bible as substantiating evidence. Let's look at the evidence that is better documented and more reliable. Children are murdering children. Short of the original sin, children are innocent until taught to do bad things. They don't instinctively throw baby brothers out of 15-story buildings. They learn to devalue life from watching lives bring snuffed out. Where do they see people taking lives? TV and movies. I wouldn't say from books because most people don't read many books.
I remember studying a case in psychology class where a small village, similar to the one Mr. Childress described, was without TV. Cables were run into the village. Sociologists, realizing the opportunity to study TV's effect, surveyed the villagers. Two years after the installation, they resurveyed, finding that aggression and the propensity for violence had increased disturbingly.
While I agree, the media do reflect social mores, they undoubtedly influence those mores greatly.
We must hold producers and advertisers responsible for this influence; otherwise, we will likely become prisoners in our own homes. -- JEFF PAUL, MINNEAPOLIS
Shopper's Compulsive Buying Has Staff Dreading Her Returns
DEAR ABBY: I am the manager of a women's clothing boutique in a small, upper-class community. My staff and I have a problem with a customer who shops in our store almost weekly. She will purchase $300 worth of merchandise, only to return it all the next day, putting a huge debt in our register that can ruin our daily totals. These returns also cost the store owner a substantial processing fee, as all transactions do.
We have tried not assisting her while she shops, hoping to cut back on her purchases, but it hasn't helped. The woman will occasionally keep a piece or two, but not often.
There is the possibility that she recommends our store to her friends. We're a rather small but successful chain that caters to our ladies, but we simply can't afford to continue the relationship with this obvious compulsive shopper. We also do not want to make a scene by confronting her in the store.
We are all, the owner included, at a loss as to what to do. Should we continue to allow her to wreak havoc on our sales records? Please help. -- IN SALES IN LA JOLLA, CALIF.
DEAR IN SALES: Yours is a common problem in retailing. However, there are two ways to deal with it: First, insist that she pay for merchandise in cash only. Second, do not refund her money for items she returns; instead, issue her a store credit -- a voucher that is valid only in your store.
DEAR ABBY: Our 29-year-old son married a beautiful girl about six years ago. We noticed before their marriage that she never said "thank you" when something was done for her, or when gifts were given to her. (We didn't feel we were in a position to say anything, but we tried to set an example by voicing appreciation when they -- or anyone else -- did something nice for us.)
Now, however, our son seems to have acquired the same behavior, and it's very disturbing because he was raised to be courteous and appreciative. When either one receives a gift, they look at it, may say something like, "Oh, where did you get this?" or more often than not, say nothing, and they just put it aside.
Abby, we don't give strange or odd gifts. The items they have received from us are either displayed in their apartment or worn.
Isn't it reasonable to expect a "thank you" or at least, "This is nice, I like it"? We'd like to say something to them without hurting their feelings, but are not certain what that should be. What are your thoughts on this? -- PERPLEXED PARENTS
DEAR PERPLEXED PARENTS: Ask your son privately why his wife does not acknowledge your gifts. She may not have been taught that it's common courtesy to express gratitude. It's time someone taught her -- and your son should gently set her straight.
Advise him that it is discouraging to spend time, effort and money on a gift that goes unacknowledged.
DEAR READERS: A tip to travelers: Do not pack your medication in your luggage -- keep it on your person. Luggage does not always arrive when you do. If you boarded late, your luggage could arrive on a later flight, or possibly the next day. And never, never pack your jewelry in your luggage -- carry it on your person.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Best Friend Is Not on Best Behavior Around Wife
DEAR ABBY: If my husband knew I was writing to you, he'd swear I was nuts. But I have a problem I have never seen addressed. I read your column every day, and most of the time I agree with you and respect your opinion.
My husband's best friend, "Earl" (not married), has been cornering me alone and keeps saying he has always loved me! I have tried avoiding him, and he tries to avoid me when he's sober. However, we are social drinkers, and since they are such good friends, there are times we can't avoid each other. I have never encouraged Earl and have let him know that I'm very much in love with my husband -- but that doesn't stop him.
Should I tell my husband? I'm afraid if I don't, he'll hear Earl one day and think there's something going on. They have been friends for years, and I'm afraid if I tell, their friendship will be hurt, and I'd never do anything to hurt either one of them.
Your thoughts on this, please. -- IN A BIND IN BATON ROUGE
DEAR IN A BIND: You are much too kindhearted. If the shoe were on the other food, and your best friend began hitting on your husband every time she got a snoot full, wouldn't you want to know?
Corner Earl in the cold, sober light of day and tell him that his unwelcome advances have made you uncomfortable for the last time and if it happens again, you WILL tell your husband. And if you're put on the spot again -- do it.
DEAR ABBY: A friend of ours has a 7-year-old son who molested our 7-year-old child. We alerted our friend to the situation, and she confronted her son, who admitted the act.
From what our child told us, this was not just "curiosity." Our friend took her son to a child psychiatrist and informed us that they discovered the boy had been molested for over a year by an older boy. Then we were told that he would have to be in therapy anywhere from six months to a year.
After two or three visits to the doctor, the mother stopped taking him because it was too upsetting for the child, and he would cry and get sick before the appointment, so no more therapy.
Do you think this is wise? Since he was molested and has acted out on other children (ours was not the only one -- there were several), should he or should he not be in therapy? I believe he should. -- CONCERNED FRIEND
DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: I, too, believe the boy should be in therapy. Is the boy rebelling because he dislikes the therapy -- or the therapist? Perhaps another therapist could be a solution.
DEAR ABBY: Bravo to you for your recent response to the letter from the Canadian woman whose husband was in prison.
My father went to prison just before I was born. My mother always told me he was "in the Army," since, like your reader, she didn't think I was old enough to understand. Unfortunately, the neighborhood children didn't take my young age into consideration when they informed me that my father was a "jailbird."
Later, my mother apologized for her mistake in not being the one to tell me the truth, even though it wasn't pretty. She never lied to me again about anything, as she expected me to always be truthful with her.
How much better it will be for your Canadian reader's children to hear the truth from someone who can convey it to them in a loving, sensitive manner. They have the added bonus of their father not being guilty of the crime. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about my father. -- EVERGREEN, COLO.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)