WORDS OF WISDOM: "He that has a trade has an office of profit and honor. A plowman on his legs is higher than a gentleman on his knees." -- BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
New Mothers Deserve Break From Well-Meaning Visitors
DEAR ABBY: I am concerned about the mothers who are released so quickly from the hospital after childbirth -- often as soon as 24 hours after delivery.
My daughter just had her first baby, and after a difficult delivery and complications, they sent her home after three days. Once she was home, she had to tend her infant, breast-feed every two hours, take a sitz bath every four hours and sleep when possible. Well-meaning friends and relatives who wanted to see the baby rang her phone and doorbell constantly.
When I had my babies 20 years ago, we had four- or five-day hospital stays, and these stays provided something we don't have today -- controlled visiting hours. Guests could come, see the baby, give you a few hugs and go home. Now, the new mom has to answer the door and telephone and entertain people who were not considerate enough to phone and ask if Mom wanted company.
Some friends and relatives were more considerate. They called ahead, brought food, ran errands, and sent notes and gifts.
The first couple of weeks are usually hectic for new moms, so Abby, please tell these well-meaning people to never "drop in" to see the new baby. Call ahead to see how things are going, and if you set up a time for a visit, please be on time. -- CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER
DEAR GRANDMOTHER: Thank you for a valuable letter. And may I add when you visit a new mother, please don't stay too long. Some folks feel that because they had to drive an hour there and an hour back, they are entitled to stay for at least three hours.
DEAR ABBY: I travel frequently, both as part of my job and for pleasure. I have stayed in many really nice motels and hotels and have yet to figure out one thing I have found to be very annoying. Why do the housekeepers tuck in the sides of the top sheet and blanket?
If I'm staying at a hotel, the last thing I want to do is remake my bed -- and when I turn the bed down, both the top and bottom sheets come out. This is infuriating.
I have told the staff at the checkout desk, and they look at me like I'm a bit daft. I'd appreciate it if you would publish this with an answer, if you can get one. -- RUTH ANNE YOUNG, JONESBORO, ILL.
DEAR RUTH ANNE: Any traveler who has ever had to tear a bed apart in order to get into it will understand your fury.
According to a spokesperson for the Peninsula Beverly Hills Hotel, the "old school" of thought is that tucking in the top sheet and blanket projects an image of neatness and cleanliness. In many upscale hotels, however, "turndown service" is provided -- which includes not only removing the spread and turning down the bed, but chocolate on the pillow, closing the drapes, dimming the lights and replenishing the towels.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN OF LETTERS FEELS LOST IN 'MODERN' COMMUNICATION
DEAR ABBY: What has happened to communication in America? When I write to someone, I discuss what is going on in my life, inquire about the health, happiness, and what is going on in the lives of mutual friends. I generally try to carry on a written conversation that will delight the reader.
If I receive a reply, it is usually on a scrap of paper, or written to be mailed to 20 other people, and starts out, "Hi, just a short note to keep in touch ..."
Maybe they should just say, "Hi, just a short note to say I can't be bothered to formulate a real letter. I am too lazy, illiterate, insensitive, or all of the above."
Abby, are people's lives so shallow they have nothing to say? Or are they so busy that they have nothing to give of themselves in simple written language?
Is it possible in this modern age that communication has been disconnected or is no longer in service? -- KYLE
DEAR KYLE: The sample letter you offered is better than nothing (almost). The most I can say for it is: The recipient will know that the writer is still among the living.
In my view, it's not a matter of communication "no longer in service"; it's just different. Times have changed and people are busier now. Short notes, form letters, faxes or quick phone calls are time-savers. And for those into computers, electronic communication is the "in" thing.
DEAR ABBY: I am having a disagreement with a friend and we have decided to let you be the judge. If a couple is engaged to be married, and the woman decides to end the engagement, should she return the engagement ring? -- B.A. HEITKAMP, CINCINNATI
DEAR B.A.: The ring goes back. When a woman accepts an engagement ring, she is also making a promise to marry the man who gave it to her. If she changes her mind, the ring should be returned. Occasionally, when the man breaks the engagement, he may offer to let the woman keep the ring, but he is not obligated to do so. Easy rule: The ring belongs to the person who paid for it, until the marriage has taken place.
DEAR ABBY: I had to chuckle when I heard your comment about "sex" on the first date. (You had misheard the question on the "Larry King Live" show.)
I had an experience in my younger days with a girl I wasn't particularly enamored with.
When I asked her for a kiss on our first date, she said, "No, not on our first date!"
I answered quickly, "Well, how about on the last date?" -- PHIL FROM JERSEY
DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter you had some time ago about sleeping in the nude:
In the late '40s, I worked for Dr. Karl Menninger at the well-known clinic in Topeka, Kan.
He always recommended sleeping in an extra-large gown or nothing. His theory was that tight nightwear (pajamas included) tends to nudge one's nerves, making for a restless night.
My husband always said, "Nightgowns should be on the floor near the bed in case of fire." We have been married for 46 years. -- MRS. ROSE SPICER, REELSVILLE, IND.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Prefers Loveless Marriage to Facing Failure With Divorce
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 23 years. He's 44 and I'm 43. We have a mortgage, several bills, no happiness, no kids. We have one dog whom he treats and talks to like a child, which embarrasses me.
Our marriage is a sham. We do what's necessary to make it look good when we're out, but we're both miserable. We have nothing in common. We tolerate each other. Needless to say, I no longer love him.
He's had several affairs. I confronted him about some of them; however, I said nothing to him about others.
I left him once. He promised if I would come back, he would never have another affair, and he bought me a car and took me on a cruise.
The next time I caught him, I left and threatened to get a divorce if he didn't buy me a house. We were living with his parents, whom I dislike, and all my friends owned homes. He bought a house, and I came back. Big mistake.
Our sex life is awful. When he can perform, I can't stand him touching me. The only way I can get through it is to fantasize about other men.
I have also had affairs. He knows, and I don't care. We take separate vacations every year, and I go away as often as I can. I almost always have a fling while I'm away.
My husband is arrogant, egotistical and not very well liked. The wall that separates us is getting higher. I want out of this sham of a marriage, but he won't consider divorce. To him, it's a "failing" -- he uses the excuse that people never get on their feet after divorce. I suspect he'd rather go on acting than face the fact that he's not confident that he can make it alone. We could split everything down the middle, and he can even have the damn dog.
Abby, I just can't picture us growing old together. I don't WANT to grow old with him. Twenty-three years is enough -- too much.
I don't want a scene. What should I do? -- WANTS OUT IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.
DEAR WANTS OUT: Resign yourself to the fact that there probably will be a "scene" -- if only because your husband would prefer a loveless marriage to the financial fallout from a divorce.
His "permission" is not necessary, so since you want a divorce, stop playing "Let's Make a Deal" and talk to a lawyer.
DEAR ABBY: I found a cute story in The Montrose Daily Press:
It was a perfect day, and four students decided to cut classes. Reporting to school later that afternoon, they told their teacher they had a flat tire. To their relief, the teacher smiled and told them to take their seats.
"You missed a test this morning, and I would like you to take it now," the teacher announced. "No discussion allowed among you. Now write the answer to this question: 'Which tire was flat?'" -- BESSIE MAE, NUCLA, COLO.
DEAR BESSIE MAE: Not only was it a "cute" one, it was a new one.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who is 15, went to a slumber party last weekend. She told me that it was a normal all-girls slumber party -- they talked, ate, played games, watched videos and finally slept -- except they spent the entire evening totally nude. There were no men in the house, just the eight girls and the host girl's mother, who approved of it. My daughter was so thrilled about it and the girls are talking about the next one.
Have you ever heard of totally nude slumber parties? Or is this some new trend? I'm not comfortable with the idea; however, I feel as long as there is no booze, drugs or sex, I can't come up with a compelling reason to say no. Any thoughts? -- PERPLEXED MOM IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PERPLEXED MOM: I have never heard of nudity as a theme for a high school slumber party, so your letter is a first.
Level with your daughter. Tell her that you were not raised in an atmosphere that condoned casual nudity -- and you are uncomfortable with the idea of her attending nude slumber parties. Period.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)