To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN OF LETTERS FEELS LOST IN 'MODERN' COMMUNICATION
DEAR ABBY: What has happened to communication in America? When I write to someone, I discuss what is going on in my life, inquire about the health, happiness, and what is going on in the lives of mutual friends. I generally try to carry on a written conversation that will delight the reader.
If I receive a reply, it is usually on a scrap of paper, or written to be mailed to 20 other people, and starts out, "Hi, just a short note to keep in touch ..."
Maybe they should just say, "Hi, just a short note to say I can't be bothered to formulate a real letter. I am too lazy, illiterate, insensitive, or all of the above."
Abby, are people's lives so shallow they have nothing to say? Or are they so busy that they have nothing to give of themselves in simple written language?
Is it possible in this modern age that communication has been disconnected or is no longer in service? -- KYLE
DEAR KYLE: The sample letter you offered is better than nothing (almost). The most I can say for it is: The recipient will know that the writer is still among the living.
In my view, it's not a matter of communication "no longer in service"; it's just different. Times have changed and people are busier now. Short notes, form letters, faxes or quick phone calls are time-savers. And for those into computers, electronic communication is the "in" thing.
DEAR ABBY: I am having a disagreement with a friend and we have decided to let you be the judge. If a couple is engaged to be married, and the woman decides to end the engagement, should she return the engagement ring? -- B.A. HEITKAMP, CINCINNATI
DEAR B.A.: The ring goes back. When a woman accepts an engagement ring, she is also making a promise to marry the man who gave it to her. If she changes her mind, the ring should be returned. Occasionally, when the man breaks the engagement, he may offer to let the woman keep the ring, but he is not obligated to do so. Easy rule: The ring belongs to the person who paid for it, until the marriage has taken place.
DEAR ABBY: I had to chuckle when I heard your comment about "sex" on the first date. (You had misheard the question on the "Larry King Live" show.)
I had an experience in my younger days with a girl I wasn't particularly enamored with.
When I asked her for a kiss on our first date, she said, "No, not on our first date!"
I answered quickly, "Well, how about on the last date?" -- PHIL FROM JERSEY
DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter you had some time ago about sleeping in the nude:
In the late '40s, I worked for Dr. Karl Menninger at the well-known clinic in Topeka, Kan.
He always recommended sleeping in an extra-large gown or nothing. His theory was that tight nightwear (pajamas included) tends to nudge one's nerves, making for a restless night.
My husband always said, "Nightgowns should be on the floor near the bed in case of fire." We have been married for 46 years. -- MRS. ROSE SPICER, REELSVILLE, IND.
Man Prefers Loveless Marriage to Facing Failure With Divorce
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 23 years. He's 44 and I'm 43. We have a mortgage, several bills, no happiness, no kids. We have one dog whom he treats and talks to like a child, which embarrasses me.
Our marriage is a sham. We do what's necessary to make it look good when we're out, but we're both miserable. We have nothing in common. We tolerate each other. Needless to say, I no longer love him.
He's had several affairs. I confronted him about some of them; however, I said nothing to him about others.
I left him once. He promised if I would come back, he would never have another affair, and he bought me a car and took me on a cruise.
The next time I caught him, I left and threatened to get a divorce if he didn't buy me a house. We were living with his parents, whom I dislike, and all my friends owned homes. He bought a house, and I came back. Big mistake.
Our sex life is awful. When he can perform, I can't stand him touching me. The only way I can get through it is to fantasize about other men.
I have also had affairs. He knows, and I don't care. We take separate vacations every year, and I go away as often as I can. I almost always have a fling while I'm away.
My husband is arrogant, egotistical and not very well liked. The wall that separates us is getting higher. I want out of this sham of a marriage, but he won't consider divorce. To him, it's a "failing" -- he uses the excuse that people never get on their feet after divorce. I suspect he'd rather go on acting than face the fact that he's not confident that he can make it alone. We could split everything down the middle, and he can even have the damn dog.
Abby, I just can't picture us growing old together. I don't WANT to grow old with him. Twenty-three years is enough -- too much.
I don't want a scene. What should I do? -- WANTS OUT IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.
DEAR WANTS OUT: Resign yourself to the fact that there probably will be a "scene" -- if only because your husband would prefer a loveless marriage to the financial fallout from a divorce.
His "permission" is not necessary, so since you want a divorce, stop playing "Let's Make a Deal" and talk to a lawyer.
DEAR ABBY: I found a cute story in The Montrose Daily Press:
It was a perfect day, and four students decided to cut classes. Reporting to school later that afternoon, they told their teacher they had a flat tire. To their relief, the teacher smiled and told them to take their seats.
"You missed a test this morning, and I would like you to take it now," the teacher announced. "No discussion allowed among you. Now write the answer to this question: 'Which tire was flat?'" -- BESSIE MAE, NUCLA, COLO.
DEAR BESSIE MAE: Not only was it a "cute" one, it was a new one.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, who is 15, went to a slumber party last weekend. She told me that it was a normal all-girls slumber party -- they talked, ate, played games, watched videos and finally slept -- except they spent the entire evening totally nude. There were no men in the house, just the eight girls and the host girl's mother, who approved of it. My daughter was so thrilled about it and the girls are talking about the next one.
Have you ever heard of totally nude slumber parties? Or is this some new trend? I'm not comfortable with the idea; however, I feel as long as there is no booze, drugs or sex, I can't come up with a compelling reason to say no. Any thoughts? -- PERPLEXED MOM IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR PERPLEXED MOM: I have never heard of nudity as a theme for a high school slumber party, so your letter is a first.
Level with your daughter. Tell her that you were not raised in an atmosphere that condoned casual nudity -- and you are uncomfortable with the idea of her attending nude slumber parties. Period.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Juror Can't Think of Justice if She's Losing Pay at Work
DEAR ABBY: This is an important issue that needs to be addressed, and I can't think of a better place than in your column. It concerns jury duty.
It seems that too many good citizens find a way to get out of jury duty. The fact is, they cannot afford to be on a jury. I know I can't. I'm a single parent with three children. Unfortunately, their father is a deadbeat dad.
I have a fairly good job, but if I don't work, I don't get paid. Most of my friends are in the same situation. The companies they work for do not pay employees when they are absent for jury duty.
Abby, the jury system is so outdated it is pathetic. By paying little more than pocket change, the courts automatically exclude a large number of the population. I would really like to serve on a jury, but if it means I won't be able to pay the rent, I must decline.
Sorry, I must remain ... ANONYMOUS IN LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR ANONYMOUS: I hear you loud and clear. You are right on target. The idea of having professional jurors has been discussed in the media lately. I understand that some countries already have them. Readers, I welcome your input.
DEAR ABBY: A recent letter in your column about what and what not to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a loved one has finally prompted me to write to you.
My mom died of lung cancer two years ago, and on more than one occasion, after learning that lung cancer was the cause of death, people would ask me if she had been a smoker.
Abby, please tell your readers not to ask that question. True, they can THINK it -- or ask someone else -- but don't ask the grieving family members. It makes it sound like her death was justified.
Our family realized what cigarettes were doing to her, but it didn't change her suffering, or how we felt about her.
By the way, she had quit smoking more than a year before her lung cancer was discovered. But by then, her body had been much too badly damaged to recover. You may use my name. -- PATTY HULL, ANDOVER, MINN.
DEAR PATTY: My condolences on the loss of your beloved mother. I am ashamed to admit it, but in the past, when I learned that someone had lung cancer, I would also ask, "Was he (or she) a smoker?"
Never again will I ask that question. Thank you, Patty. You taught me something today.
DEAR ABBY: My marriage was the result of a letter-writing campaign linking civilians and service people, much like your Operation Dear Abby. Perhaps learning of our good fortune may encourage other readers to continue participation in such programs.
To illustrate the importance of personal mail to servicepeople, may I recount an incident that happened when I was a regimental sergeant major of the 505th Parachute Infantry during the Battle of the Bulge?
We were fighting in difficult terrain and weather when the Christmas mail arrived. Short of transportation to get it to the 14 companies, we sent the following message: "We have mail and rations, but can send only one of them today. Which shall it be?"
Every unit replied, "Send the mail!" -- HOWARD P. MELVIN, REGT. SGT. MAJOR, WWII
READERS: To send mail to servicepeople stationed in Bosnia, address letters and parcels (preferably no larger than a shoebox) to: ANY SERVICE MEMBER, OPERATION JOINT ENDEAVOR, APO AE 09397 (for Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine Corps land forces); ANY SERVICE MEMBER, OPERATION JOINT ENDEAVOR, FPO AE 09398 (for Navy and Marine Corps personnel aboard ship).
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)