Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR CAN PREDICT MATE'S POTENTIAL FOR VIOLENCE
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I published a letter from the grandparents of a 19-year-old woman who was brutally murdered by a young man with whom she had lived for four months. Her grieving family asked if I would reprint the column that outlined the traits of a potential batterer. In her memory, here it is. It was adapted from "Signs to Look for in a Battering Personality," with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence, Fayetteville, Ark.
15 REASONS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER,
WARNING SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE PERSONALITY
Something's just not right in your relationship, and you can't put your finger on it. So here's some help. If your mate is displaying a combination of these behaviors, then you may have a potential batterer on your hands.
1. A PUSH FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on very strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the woman for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
2. JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.
3. CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to, and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.
5. ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble"; the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.
6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: The boss, you -- it's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.
7. MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of, "I am angry" or, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you." Less obvious is the claim: "You make me happy."
8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming that his feelings are hurt when he is really mad. He'll rant about the injustice of things that are just part of life.
3. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 2-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.
10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; says he finds the idea of rape exciting.
11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.
12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey and remain at home.
13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweetly loving to explosively violent in a matter of minutes.
14. PAST BATTERING: Admits hitting women in the past, but says they made him do it or the situation brought it on.
15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Makes statements like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it." If he has come this far, it is time to get help, or get out.
LETTERS FROM OLD FLAME GIVE WOMAN GLOW OF CONFIDENCE
DEAR ABBY: "Irritated in Ojai, Calif." was bothered by the fact that her husband has kept love letters from a previous girlfriend for more than 12 years and through three moves.
I've kept a previous boyfriend's love letters for 23 years and through seven moves. My husband has never asked me to dispose of them, and I wouldn't toss them even if he asked me to. These letters, along with other assorted keepsakes, help me define who I am now, based in part on who I've been in the past. The letters are nothing more than a record of a girl who was able to love and be loved -- an important concept to someone who felt unloved by her family.
In my mind, they affirm my ability to have a loving relationship with my husband. Please encourage "Irritated" not to stop at simply telling her husband how she feels about the letters (and then waiting for him to "toss them out"). Tell her to take the time to explore with him the reason he has kept those letters. It may be an eye-opening, soul-searching experience for them both! -- DARLENE IN REDONDO BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR DARLENE: While it may be a "soul-searching experience" for some, it could be something else for others.
People keep love letters for a variety of reasons, but it's a pretty good bet that there is an underlying sentimental reason. This is the private business of the keeper -- why must it be "explained"?
DEAR ABBY: I seldom miss your column in our local newspaper. Our family often discusses and learns from the letters you publish. You have helped us many times, as you have so many of your readers.
It was only after the death of my granddaughter that I saw the letter you printed from the 25-year-old woman thanking you for saving her life by printing the warning signs of an abusive partner. After seeing your column and recognizing that her boyfriend fit every warning you mentioned, she left him and started a new life.
How I wish our beautiful 19-year-old granddaughter had seen that list. She had been living with a young man for four months. Although her family didn't approve of him and had tried to dissuade her from living with him, they made an effort to accept him and welcome him into the family so they wouldn't lose their daughter.
After a particularly nasty quarrel, my granddaughter separated from the young man and returned to her family. A week after she left him, he brutally murdered her. Although she had been close to her parents (and all the family), she had never once confided to anyone the abusive relationship she was in. Her parents are devastated. Their lives have changed forever.
Our family would like to be able to help other young women in these circumstances, but we don't know how to get started, Abby. Do you have any suggestions? And would you please print the warning signs of an abuser again? -- TOO LATE IN TEXAS
DEAR TOO LATE: Please accept my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your granddaughter. I'm sure there are many ways in which you could help other young women in abusive relationships. The most obvious would be to explore what help is available to battered and homeless women in your city and find out what their immediate needs are -- shelter, clothing, funds to tide them over. You might also consider contacting victims' rights groups.
For anyone who might have missed it, I will publish the warning signs of an abusive partner tomorrow. Space limitations prevent me from doing it today.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am now joining the ranks of those who have read your column for years, but have never written until now.
As a 65-year-old woman, I was appalled with the piece you printed on the glories of youth. According to you, everything that is positive is equated with being young: vigor, self-confidence, hope, courage and beauty. But everything negative is equated with being old, such as fear, pessimism, cynicism and hopelessness.
Abby, have you any idea how ageist this is? It makes being old abhorrent and depressing.
When I proudly tell people that I am 65, they say, "Oh, you don't look that old," as though they were paying me a compliment. In reality, it is an insult. What is a 65-year-old woman supposed to look like?
I am no longer young and have no desire to pass as "young." At my age, I am more creative, have more self-confidence, hope and spirituality than at any other time in my life.
Abby, we have learned a lot about racism and sexism; let us now open our minds to ageism. We need to proclaim "old" as something positive.
In closing, let me share a quote I saw on a button where there were many senior citizens.
"Youth is a gift of nature; age is a work of art." -- JOAN CATLOVER, GULFPORT, FLA.
DEAR JOAN CATLOVER: Your philosophical attitude is admirable and well worth remembering. Thank you for writing; I'm saving your letter for encouragement in my old age.
DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend of eight years has recently begun a pen pal correspondence (via computer and actual mail) with three young females in various parts of the country. He says this shouldn't upset me because he just wants to be "friends" with these women, but I notice he writes only to women and tries to make his letters as charming and witty as possible. (He has never mentioned me.) There is also the possibility that he could secretly meet with one of these women who happens to live fairly close.
I call it "selling" himself, but he denies it. Nevertheless, these sound very much like the letters he used to send me during our courtship.
I am angry because I think this is inappropriate for someone who has a commitment to someone else. It is starting to hurt our relationship. What do you think? -- CONFUSED IN CINCINNATI
DEAR CONFUSED: If, after eight years of living together, your boyfriend is seeking female pen pals to charm, I would question his degree of commitment, as well as his level of honesty. Trust your instincts. I suspect they are correct.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 62-year-old mother of seven. I have not spoken to my oldest daughter in 20 years. There has been no communication in any form between us. We live 2,000 miles from each other.
I would like to come to peace with her. How can I do this? Her siblings tell me she is happy with things the way they are. -- A GRIEVING MOTHER IN WYOMING
DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Since you want to make peace with her, extend the olive branch by writing her a letter, expressing your feelings. You have nothing to lose.
If she rebukes your offer to bury the hatchet, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)