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by Abigail Van Buren

DEAR ABBY: My husband is having an affair. When I told him I knew about it, we had a big fight. They are still seeing each other every chance they get. She is married and has two kids. I know her name and I know where she works.

My husband was on vacation the week after Thanksgiving. He left the house at 7:30 a.m. on Wednesday to play golf (he said). I had a feeling something was fishy, so I followed him and saw them together.

I called his girlfriend's office and was told she wouldn't be in until 3 o'clock. They did the same thing on Thursday. He returned home later in the afternoon on both days.

He gets calls at night and on Saturdays. Right after the calls, he always leaves for a couple of hours.

If I answer the phone, the caller hangs up -- and my husband gets furious at me. (He won't let me answer the phone anymore.)

My questions are: Should I confront them together? Or should I just tell her husband? I can't spend the rest of my life like this. -- ANONYMOUS IN INDIANA

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Neither of the above. Since your husband knows that you are aware of what is going on and has made no effort to change his behavior, you must now decide whether you would be better off WITH or WITHOUT him.

DEAR ABBY: Our father died several years ago. Since that time, our mother remarried. After she remarried, she and her new husband decided that they wanted to be buried next to each other, which is not a problem.

What is a problem is this: My sister and I bought and paid for a double headstone for our parents. It was beautiful, with brass nameplates for each of them and a removable brass vase. Our mother and her new husband liked it so much that they decided to remove Dad's brass plate, moved the headstone to their plot and had her new husband's brass plate put on.

My sister and I are very upset about this, as we were the ones who picked the headstone for our parents, and we have asked our mother to at least replace the one that was taken. This has caused quite a family problem.

Should we have said nothing and just bought another headstone for our father's grave, or were we right to request that they do it? -- DISMAYED IN DETROIT

DEAR DISMAYED: For your mother and her new husband to have moved the headstone from your father's grave and left nothing in its place was presumptuous and insensitive. Since they didn't pay for it, they should either return or replace it. But if they are unwilling to do it, then you must. You have my sympathy on both the loss of your father and the actions of your mother.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter in your column on the subject of brides and grooms sharing the responsibility of writing the thank-you notes, I had a good chuckle remembering.

When our son married, they received many gifts. Our new daughter-in-law thought he should share the note-writing. He said he would do that if she would help him get started so he would know what to write.

His first note read: "Thank you for the bedspread. It is very nice and we can use it, as we have two bedrooms." She told him that sounded fine.

His next note read: "Thank you for the crockpot. It is very nice and we can use it, as we have two bedrooms." -- L.K. IN TEXAS

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