What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HONESTY IS ALIVE AND WELL IN STATE FULL OF ALOHA SPIRIT
DEAR ABBY: Recently my sweetheart left all his credit cards, two checkbooks and $300 in cash in the basket of a shopping cart in the parking lot of a large supermarket. This was in a poor neighborhood with a high unemployment rate where many people are living on the ragged edge of poverty.
Two hours later, with little hope of recovering his money and credit cards, he went back to the store. Imagine his surprise to learn that somebody had turned in his credit cards, checkbooks and the $300 in cash!
In Keaau, Hawaii, where this occurred, they call it "the Aloha spirit"; in the rest of the country, we call it human dignity and integrity. -- L.P., OLYMPIA, WASH.
DEAR L.: Thank you for a letter that reinforces the fact that there are still people in this world with integrity.
How unfortunate that the person who turned in the checkbooks, credit cards and cash didn't leave his or her name or telephone number in order to receive a thank-you or a well-deserved reward.
DEAR ABBY: About eight months ago, I started dating a man I'll call Wayne. He had been divorced for two years and told me I was the first woman he had dated since his divorce.
Soon after we started having sex, I had a gynecological exam that showed that I had chlamydia. When I told Wayne, he said he got it from his ex-wife. He also said the doctor told him chlamydia can remain dormant for years.
Wayne is 16 years older than I am. I love him, but I don't know what to think about this disease and our future together. Please help me. -- NO NAME
DEAR NO NAME: Chlamydia is treatable, so it should not prevent you from having a future with the man you love.
As I have written in my booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know," chlamydia, herpes and genital warts are the three most common sexually transmitted diseases. Chlamydia is the No. 1 sexually transmitted bacterial infection in the United States. It's conservatively estimated that 3 million to 4 million people get it every year.
Fifty percent of its victims experience no symptoms until months or years later, when they develop complications. The only way many learn they have chlamydia is from a partner who is sufficiently responsible and mature to inform them that they have been exposed and should be tested.
A male may notice a discharge or a burning and itching sensation when urinating.
The symptoms in women can be vaginal discharge, itching or unusual pain and/or low-grade fever. If you suspect you have chlamydia, be tested by a doctor. It is treatable, but the doctor's instructions must be followed to the letter. A follow-up examination is necessary to be certain that the cure is complete.
To prevent reinfection and complications, your partner(s) must be tested even if there are no symptoms.
Chlamydia can be avoided by abstinence or the use of a condom.
IN-LAWS' PUBLIC RESERVE IS WIFE'S PRIVATE FRUSTRATION
DEAR ABBY: This concerns all those letters in response to "Hurt Mother-in-Law," whose daughter-in-law couldn't call her "Mom."
In my case, I wanted with all my heart to call my mother-in-law "Mom." She didn't ask me to, so I came right out and asked my in-laws if I could call them "Mom" and "Dad."
They said it was OK with them, but every time I did, they looked uncomfortable, so I quit calling them Mom and Dad and started calling them by their first names. Well, I could see they weren't pleased with that either, so I just gave up and avoided calling them anything.
They are very undemonstrative and never hug or kiss each other in public. They kiss above their grandchildren's heads when they greet them. This is foreign to me because I grew up in a very affectionate family. However, my husband didn't, although he shows me lots of affection in private.
Abby, is there a solution to this problem? Or must I learn to live with it? -- FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Don't try to "teach" your in-laws to be more demonstrative or affectionate; just be grateful that your husband shows you "lots of affection" in private.
Continue to be affectionate to your children. However, never order them to kiss Grandma, Grandpa or anyone else. Insincere kisses give children the wrong message.
The way to teach children to be affectionate is to show them affection.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is 59. My father was 74 when he died last year. They had been married for 40 years. When they met, my mother was 19, and Father was a 34-year-old widower with a 4-year-old son I'll call Max.
When Dad died, Mom went to a grief counselor who told her to "go for it." Nine months later, Mom moved Max into her bedroom! Max is my half-brother, but technically he is not a blood relative to my mother.
I thought it showed terrible judgment on her part when she had him move in with her, and most of my relatives agreed. After all, Max had been my mother's stepson for 40 years.
Abby, is our society so morally bankrupt that this is considered OK? Max is 44 and has been married five times. -- MORTIFIED
DEAR MORTIFIED: Let me put it this way: In at least 15 states, marriage between "step" relatives is prohibited by law. And in the other 35, I'm willing to bet that the behavior exhibited by your mother would raise eyebrows. However, both are adults, and neither one has solicited my advice.
DEAR ABBY: I've been following the letters from job-holding and at-home mothers, each of whom is critical or envious of the other.
Isn't it time to declare that parenting is just plain difficult? If there were a way to raise kids to ensure that they'll turn out to be happy, well-adjusted adults, we would have noticed by now.
Let's stop wasting time and join our efforts to make a better place to raise children. Give parents more help and respect, make our schools great and our streets safe. Let's applaud mothers who go out and work to support our economy, as well as those who stay at home and keep the neighborhood alive.
We're all in this together. -- DIANE E. BAKER, BERKELEY, CALIF.
DEAR DIANE: Thank you for a levelheaded letter. You said a mouthful.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandma's Memories Become Family's Most Treasured Gift
DEAR ABBY: My grandmother lives on a fixed income. For years I have sent her boxes of Christmas cards and stamps to help her with holiday expenses. They're a great gift for someone with a limited income who doesn't need one more bottle of bath oil or another knickknack. I was surprised last year when she told me that she was working on a Christmas present for me. It was a history of her life.
She dictated her biography into a tape recorder, and my aunt used a word processor to transcribe it. It began: "I, Pearl Thompson, was born in Iroquois in Kingsbury County, S.D., on May 4, 1907." It goes on, sharing all the milestones of her 87 years. She describes her father and his sons claiming land in South Dakota; building their own houses; seeing Halley's comet in 1911; and how they survived the year the great drought hit. She shared how she met George (my grandfather) and some of her grandparents' genealogy, of which I was unaware.
My favorite story is a Christmas memory: "A special Christmas for me was during the '30s when a 10-gallon can of cream sold for $3.50, and eggs were a nickel a dozen. George took the produce to town and came home carrying a pretty plate. I have used it every Christmas since."
And now her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren have this precious memento to remember her by.
I hope you will tell your readers about my grandmother's priceless Christmas gift, Abby. Then perhaps more grandchildren will share in the true joy of the holidays. -- TERRY L. THOMPSON, DALLAS
DEAR TERRY: A family history is a gift that money can't buy and exemplifies the true spirit of Christmas -- the gift of "self." Although your letter arrived too late to inspire my readers last Christmas, perhaps it will be an incentive for those who have put off recording their family history. Read on for a similar example of "keepsake creativity":
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago my parents made a videotape for their children and grandchildren. It was the most precious Christmas gift I have ever received.
They told us as much as they could remember about their parents, grandparents and family history. They told about their childhood, youth, meeting and falling in love. They described their early marriage, their hopes, dreams and plans for their life together. They talked about us children as babies, and related stories that were funny, sad, poignant and informative. They told of their triumphs and tragedies, dreams fulfilled and forsaken. They repeated family stories that kids hear many times but soon forget.
There was no attempt to make it a professional tape. They simply borrowed a camcorder, set it up and started to talk. If a horn blew, a dog barked, a phone rang -- no one seemed to care. It took them about a week to make the tape. One would talk until he or she was tired, then the other would sit down and carry on. The recorder would be turned off until the next day.
My parents are both gone now, but I can still hear their voices, see their faces and feel that they are here with me. This gift, which cost only a little time and a lot of love, is my greatest treasure. -- MARTI ALLEN, DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.
DEAR MARTI: From your description, I, too, can almost hear them talking. And for those people who are intimidated in front of a camera, or can't seem to get started, a simple question can get the ball rolling: "Mother, will you please tell me a little about your childhood and your family?"
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)