For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
One Woman's Success Story May Affect Welfare of Others
DEAR ABBY: I can relate to "Elizabeth B. in Fresno, Calif.," who is struggling on welfare and has to contend with the disapproval of others. When I was 19, my husband walked out on me and our infant. I had nowhere else to turn, and was on welfare from 1975 to 1978.
Abby, after I received my AFDC check and paid my rent, phone and light bills, I had $5 left each month. Food stamps cannot be used to purchase diapers, toiletries or even laundry detergent. If it hadn't been for my family sharing these items with me, I don't know what would have happened to us. Because I was so embarrassed by the disparaging looks I received, I tried to shop for groceries when the store was least busy.
Things began to turn around when my case worker phoned to tell me about a job that was available through the CETA (Comprehensive Employment Training Act) program. My first job was clerking for the Department of Public Assistance. While I was learning skills, I was earning an income, and I have been working ever since.
Hang in there, Elizabeth, and don't give up. I know it's hard to ignore the nasty remarks and looks, but someone will give you your chance. I have owned my own business for eight years now, and I would hire you. -- WORKED OFF WELFARE
DEAR WORKED OFF WELFARE: I'm printing your success story for Elizabeth and others like her to see. You are a voice for people everywhere who have struggled through difficult periods and pulled through -- not only intact, but improved. My hat's off to you.
For readers who are interested, the Job Training Partnership Act (JTPA) replaced CETA in 1983. Its purpose is to assist youths and unskilled adults enter the labor force. For more information, contact your state employment office.
DEAR ABBY: Every member of my family has two children. My husband and I have one child.
At birthday time, we invite 20 cousins to a party, yet only 10 gifts are received -- and they are not doubly expensive either.
Abby, I think each child should give a gift, not just one gift from each family. After all, throughout the year, we give 20 gifts and host 20 children at our child's birthday party.
Fair play would dictate that each child bring a gift -- or at least make the "family" gift slightly more significant.
I hate to appear petty, but after five years of this inequality, I'm angry and disappointed that my relatives haven't figured this out themselves.
Is there a tactful way for me to mention it? -- P.O.'D IN NEW YORK
DEAR P.O.'D: There is no tactful way to remind your relatives that you are spending twice as much for birthday gifts as they are. They surely are aware of it, so for you to "mention" it would be in extremely poor taste.
DEAR ABBY: Help! We named our daughter after both of her grandmothers. The first name is after her paternal grandmother and the middle name after her maternal grandmother. On her birth certificate, I spelled the middle name differently because I thought it looked better.
Now my mother says her granddaughter is not named after her because the spelling is different. I say, so what? She is named after both grandmothers. What do you say? -- NEEDS YOUR OPINION IN N.C.
DEAR NEEDS: I agree with you -- so what? Your daughter is named after both grandmothers regardless of how the name is spelled.
TO EAT YOUR CAKE AND HAVE IT TOO IS A PRETTY GOOD TRICK
DEAR ABBY: The phrase, "You can't have your cake and eat it too," has always bothered me. I wonder why not? I do it all the time. I have my cake -- and then I eat it.
Recently I read somewhere that the correct phrase is "You can't eat your cake and have it too." This makes much more sense to me.
Which is the correct version? Abby, can you check this out? Sign me ... HAD MY CAKE, THEN ATE IT
DEAR HAD MY CAKE: I checked it out, and the second version is the correct one. Quote books attribute it first to Thomas Heywood in 1546. He wrote, "Wolde you bothe eate your cake, and haue your cake?"
Somewhat later (in 1633), George Herbert phrased the saying, "Wouldst thou both eat thy cake and have it?" This popular criticism was also variously rendered: "She was handsome in her time, but she cannot eat her cake and have her cake" (Swift, 1738); "You can't have your cake if you eat it" (J.R. Planche, 1871); and finally, "One cannot eat one's cake and have it, too" (T.H. Huxley, 1880).
Readers, have you had enough cake already? I have -- unless it's chocolate.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding your recent column about insensitive comments to infertile couples:
What I would say is: "You are really fortunate. You can be free of the stresses and strains of parenthood, have sex without fear, concentrate on enjoying yourselves, save lots of money and retire early."
I am sure that would also be considered very insensitive, but as a man who is child-free by choice and wouldn't have it any other way, I have a hard time relating to the agonizing of infertile couples. -- CHARLES IN AUSTELL, GA.
DEAR CHARLES: Of course you are entitled to your opinion. However, I hope you've been vasectomized, because should you accidentally become a father, it would be a tragedy of triple proportions -- for you, the mother and the baby.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "About to Burst," regarding the secret of a child being given up for adoption:
When I was a teen-ager, I overheard my mother say, "I should tell the girls -- they always wanted a brother."
But when I confronted her, she denied ever having made that statement. Later, she said the story would be in her history to be read after her death.
She died last year at the age of 100, very alert until her death, still denying ever having made the "brother" statement. In her history, there is no reference to it.
In her Bible, we found a folded, yellowed clipping about a sailor who had died in Canada in World War I. The clipping was very worn. Her secret went with her. I, too, would like to have known another sibling.
When the World War I song "My Buddy" came on the radio, my mother always turned it off and cried.
I'm still yearning to know, but never will. -- A DAUGHTER, SPARKS, NEV.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
TELEPHONE ISSUE CAUSES STATIC FOR COUPLE OTHERWISE IN SYNC
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a year and a half. We're very much in love and agree on almost everything, but there is one issue upon which we disagree. It's the telephone. He says who he talks to and what they discuss is none of my business. I say he's wrong.
I was brought up to believe that if you are in a close relationship, you don't tell your partner that anything is "none of your business." Abby, I let him know who calls me without his asking. If he's the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and he keeps things from me, the marriage won't last.
He says if the conversation doesn't pertain to me -- or to our relationship -- he doesn't have to tell me who he's talking to. (There have been times when he's said that a "friend" called, or that he's talking to "one of his family members." But he doesn't use names.)
I feel this is sending out mixed signals.
Who is right and who is wrong? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN TENNESSEE
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: There is wisdom in the very old ditty: "Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies." If he is talking on the telephone to a friend or relative and the content of his conversation doesn't have anything to do with you or your relationship with him, it is none of your business. However, when you question him and he refuses to give you a straight answer, it is bound to raise questions and create suspicions.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Recent Divorcee, Nauvoo, Ala.," the woman who experienced the painful loss of her family and friends after her divorce, was excellent.
She had learned in a divorce support group that this "abandonment" is a common experience among divorced women. I thought it might help "Recent Divorcee" to know that abandonment is not associated exclusively with divorce. It's also a common occurrence when a person suffers a terminal illness.
Those of us who have received this treatment refer to it as "ghost syndrome." It's as if we have already died! We disappear from the guest lists of friends planning parties, and it seems as though our names have been erased from their phonebooks.
I realize this may be a defense mechanism for many people, a way of easing the grief that awaits them. For others, confronting serious illness makes them too mindful of their own mortality.
Fortunately for me, my family was open enough to realize they had been inadvertently inching me out of their lives. I have been less blessed with my "friends." Only one close friend has stuck by me. But I have resolved to initiate new friendships. People who are uncomfortable with my limited future are not the kind I need to be spending my time with anyway.
I am one of the lucky ones. I have a wonderful husband and terrific children. My heart goes out to those who are more alone than I.
As you wisely advised "Recent Divorcee," when something catastrophic changes your life -- like divorce, the death of a loved one, or having to face your own mortality -- it's time to adjust and rebuild. With effort, we can find ways to turn a bad situation into something better. I wish her the best in doing so. -- SHIRLEY GRANDAHL, WINDSOR LOCKS, CONN.
DEAR SHIRLEY: Your attitude in the light of such challenging circumstances is impressive. Perhaps your letter will help "Divorcee" and others to view the unexpected changes in their lives more positively. God bless you and your family.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY CHINESE READERS: Gung Hay Fat Choy! (Happy New Year!)
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)