Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Aging Relatives Can Be Easy Prey for Con Artists, Thieves
DEAR ABBY: I am a geriatric psychiatrist, a physician who specializes in mental problems of the elderly as they relate to legal matters. A letter in your column from a woman concerned about her 84-year-old mother-in-law's relationship with a 58-year-old man caught my eye. In addition to your own excellent comments, two more points need to be made:
The main concerns that arise with aging parents are: 1. Does the parent have the capacity to understand and appreciate the consequences of the situation? 2. Is the parent being unduly influenced by another person?
Memory is only one part of the ability to handle personal and financial affairs. Other, equally important mental functions include the abilities to understand complex situations, to reason, plan and carry out behaviors, and to anticipate likely consequences. Problems in any of these or related areas make a person easy prey for con artists and gold-diggers.
Many people have sound minds, but are inappropriately influenced to do things that are not in their best interests. Someone who is lonely or going through a major change in his or her life is especially vulnerable. The unscrupulous thief initially promises friendship and support, then later convinces his victim to turn over money or property.
Many physicians do not know how to adequately assess the relevant mental functions. Of those who do, few have the skills or experience to apply their findings when legal proceedings are necessary. The consequences of inadequate assessment can be tragic.
For guidance and advice regarding problems of this nature, your readers should consider calling the adult protective services in their state for referral to a geriatrician or geriatric psychiatrist. Where legal issues are concerned, such as the capacity to change wills, make medical, financial or business decisions, the person's attorney should request the services of a forensic psychiatrist -- a physician who specializes in assessing behavior for legal purposes. -- BENNETT BLUM, M.D., PARK DIETZ & ASSOCIATES, NEWPORT BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR DR. BLUM: Thank you for an important contribution to this column. The American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law (AAPL) also has a special Committee on Geriatric Psychiatry and the Law that can refer readers to a psychiatrist in their area who has expertise in both geriatric and legal matters. The toll-free number is 1-800-331-1389.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single man who has been friendly with another single (elderly) man for about 15 years. He has never been married and has no children of his own, but he has some nephews back east. Our acquaintance over the years has consisted mainly of having him over for dinner parties with some other friends.
This elderly friend has been hospitalized lately and is now recovering in a convalescent facility. His doctor has advised him to give up his apartment. Of course, I have visited my friend at the hospital and the home faithfully.
Abby, do you think it would be OK -- in other words, in good taste -- if I were to mention (with a smile on my face), "Don't forget to mention me in your will"? This man is a millionaire.
Please rush me your answer, as he could kick the bucket any day. -- CURIOUS IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR CURIOUS: To mention anything concerning this elderly gentleman's will would be in the worst possible taste. Besides, it's a safe bet that his will was written weeks, months or even years ago. Shame on you (I'm saying this with a smile on my face).
Woman Uses Neighbor's Street as Her Very Own Lover's Lane
DEAR ABBY: For some time now, an adult neighbor I'll call "Greta" has been meeting her lovers on our street. She lives a couple of blocks over, but she apparently doesn't want her teen-agers to see her meeting these men. She and her dates arrive separately, then join each other in one car and don't drive away until some deep kissing and partial disrobing have gone on. I thought Greta was a prostitute until I found out where she lives.
It is embarrassing to walk out in our front yard and come upon this scene. I have been tempted to call the police several times, but my wife keeps telling me to mind my own business. She says you never can tell what Greta's story might be, so I haven't called.
Recently I heard that she had divorced her husband, and the episodes seemed to stop. It hasn't been long, though, and the car-hopping has started again. Greta may be protecting her own teen-agers by meeting her boyfriends on our street, but she sure gives the young children and teens on my block a great show. I am fed up, and even my wife now says to go ahead and do what I want.
I think Greta needs help. I'm hoping you'll print my letter so she will recognize herself and stop this before I call the police. -- CONCERNED IN OCEANSIDE, N.Y.
DEAR CONCERNED: A more straightforward way to handle the problem would be to write your neighbor a letter warning her that if she continues necking with her boyfriends on your street, the residents will have no choice but to report her to the police.
She and her partners are at the very least guilty of poor judgment, and an arrest for lewd conduct would be embarrassing for all parties concerned.
Let's hope she wakes up before someone files a formal police report.
DEAR ABBY: You asked your readers to add to your collection of random acts of kindness. Perhaps you will be interested in mine:
I have multiple sclerosis and am unable to feed myself. I have an aide on weekdays, and on the weekends the wonderful women from my swim group come to assist me.
I have never talked about my illness or my limitations, although they are progressively more apparent in the swimming pool, shower room and dressing room. One day, a member of my swimming group approached me and asked if I could use any help. When I answered yes, she organized other willing helpers from the group who have consistently signed their names to a schedule and show up to help.
Such generosity is not what one would expect from the many reports of violence, rudeness and disrespect that fill the media. When I thank these generous people, they thank me for "allowing" them to help me. I consider myself fortunate to have experienced so much that is wonderful about the human race. -- SUSAN CLAUER, ANN ARBOR, MICH.
DEAR SUSAN: The most precious gift we can give to others is the gift of ourselves. Your swimming group should call themselves the "floating angels."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COMPROMISE IS BEST GAME PLAN FOR MARRIAGE TO SPORTS FANATIC
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the many responses to the letter from "Mateless in Milwaukee," whose husband was obsessed with football. Today I'll share more of the excellent letters I received:
DEAR ABBY: When I met my husband, he, too, filled his time with sports events six days a week. My interest in sports was limited.
After we had dated a while, I asked him to compromise by leaving two nights a week free for me. When we became more serious, he voluntarily gave up a third night of his sports activities. When we got married, he cut down a bit more, and after we bought our house he cut down even more. After 13 years of marriage, my husband is still very interested in sports -- but his priorities are different.
However, I have done some serious compromising myself: When he participated in sports, I would go along to watch. I learned the names of the teams and what cities they were from. We used to play a trivia game where he'd name a city and I would name all the teams that played there. Today I read or do crafts in the living room while he watches games or listens to sports news, and I have learned a lot more about players and strategy than I ever thought I'd want to know.
You can't expect a sports nut to give up sports completely. I still know not to talk during the sports analysis on ESPN. Think of it this way: At least it's not wine, women or song. -- LEARNED TO LOVE IT
DEAR ABBY: Having recently wrestled with the same problem as "Mateless," I can give you some specifics:
1. Her husband's sports obsession is a poorly disguised attempt to limit intimacy of all kinds other than what his needs dictate.
2. His sports addiction is stealing from you and your marriage.
3. This is a gambling addict masquerading as an all-American guy enjoying an all-American pastime.
4. Save your breath. If you mean it -- leave. Nothing short of that will get his attention.
My husband, a "wonderful guy," got lost in the same maze. He always defended himself intellectually, but after more than five years of fights, dishonesty and empty promises, I had had it. A second-class life was not a reflection of my worth, and my self-esteem was suffering.
I changed the locks and demanded counseling. We both went, but separately. I had to rebuild my shattered self-esteem. He also joined Gamblers Anonymous. We have been happily married for more than 20 years. It took a lot of work, but now we have many activities that we enjoy together.
It wasn't easy, but there is life beyond sports. -- WIFE OF A RECOVERING SPORTS JUNKIE
DEAR ABBY: Please share our advice with "Mateless in Milwaukee" and her husband. (We were in the same boat when we first married.)
TO THE HUSBAND: Cut back one league. Have a separate phone line for your football messages. Make football fun for your wife -- get the guys and their wives to meet at a nice sports restaurant on Sundays and watch the game over pizza and beer.
Take a road trip with another couple to see a game: get a hotel, have a tailgate picnic, sightsee, etc.
TO THE WIFE: Buy his team T-shirt and wear it on game day. Learn about his favorite players and discuss them with him. Place small wagers with him. Encourage Sunday sports outings with other couples. Take turns with other couples hosting game parties.
TO BOTH: Go out of your way to make your marriage fun for each other.
We did all of the above and we're ... HAPPY IN CHESAPEAKE BEACH
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)