For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COMPROMISE IS BEST GAME PLAN FOR MARRIAGE TO SPORTS FANATIC
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the many responses to the letter from "Mateless in Milwaukee," whose husband was obsessed with football. Today I'll share more of the excellent letters I received:
DEAR ABBY: When I met my husband, he, too, filled his time with sports events six days a week. My interest in sports was limited.
After we had dated a while, I asked him to compromise by leaving two nights a week free for me. When we became more serious, he voluntarily gave up a third night of his sports activities. When we got married, he cut down a bit more, and after we bought our house he cut down even more. After 13 years of marriage, my husband is still very interested in sports -- but his priorities are different.
However, I have done some serious compromising myself: When he participated in sports, I would go along to watch. I learned the names of the teams and what cities they were from. We used to play a trivia game where he'd name a city and I would name all the teams that played there. Today I read or do crafts in the living room while he watches games or listens to sports news, and I have learned a lot more about players and strategy than I ever thought I'd want to know.
You can't expect a sports nut to give up sports completely. I still know not to talk during the sports analysis on ESPN. Think of it this way: At least it's not wine, women or song. -- LEARNED TO LOVE IT
DEAR ABBY: Having recently wrestled with the same problem as "Mateless," I can give you some specifics:
1. Her husband's sports obsession is a poorly disguised attempt to limit intimacy of all kinds other than what his needs dictate.
2. His sports addiction is stealing from you and your marriage.
3. This is a gambling addict masquerading as an all-American guy enjoying an all-American pastime.
4. Save your breath. If you mean it -- leave. Nothing short of that will get his attention.
My husband, a "wonderful guy," got lost in the same maze. He always defended himself intellectually, but after more than five years of fights, dishonesty and empty promises, I had had it. A second-class life was not a reflection of my worth, and my self-esteem was suffering.
I changed the locks and demanded counseling. We both went, but separately. I had to rebuild my shattered self-esteem. He also joined Gamblers Anonymous. We have been happily married for more than 20 years. It took a lot of work, but now we have many activities that we enjoy together.
It wasn't easy, but there is life beyond sports. -- WIFE OF A RECOVERING SPORTS JUNKIE
DEAR ABBY: Please share our advice with "Mateless in Milwaukee" and her husband. (We were in the same boat when we first married.)
TO THE HUSBAND: Cut back one league. Have a separate phone line for your football messages. Make football fun for your wife -- get the guys and their wives to meet at a nice sports restaurant on Sundays and watch the game over pizza and beer.
Take a road trip with another couple to see a game: get a hotel, have a tailgate picnic, sightsee, etc.
TO THE WIFE: Buy his team T-shirt and wear it on game day. Learn about his favorite players and discuss them with him. Place small wagers with him. Encourage Sunday sports outings with other couples. Take turns with other couples hosting game parties.
TO BOTH: Go out of your way to make your marriage fun for each other.
We did all of the above and we're ... HAPPY IN CHESAPEAKE BEACH
Football Widow Concedes She Can't Crack Sports Nut
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Mateless in Milwaukee" whose husband was a football fanatic. I just ended a 21-year marriage to a sports nut.
At first I thought it was a nice pastime, but soon our lives revolved around sports events. We rarely went anywhere for a vacation for fear he'd miss a football, baseball or basketball game on TV, or it might interfere with his softball or hockey schedule.
All social events were sports-related. Whenever we were in the car, he insisted the radio be turned to a game. Conversation was allowed only during commercials. Once, when we finally went on a "family vacation," he drove us three hours out of our way to watch a hockey game. If I complained, he accused me of being a "poor sport."
When we got cable with ESPN, I knew I was a single parent. Of course, I'd been a single parent for years and couldn't admit it. He has no friends other than his football, softball, hockey or basketball teammates.
Our children have only a mild interest in sports, and the ones who aren't athletic have little to talk to their father about. After a while, I cultivated friends, interests and a life that had nothing to do with him. I quit asking him to do things with me. I had plenty of time to pursue other interests -- every Sunday and Monday nights, and any other time there was a sporting event.
I thought I could change him, interest him in other things, create a more balanced time for recreation. I was wrong. You can't change anyone. I should have left years ago, but waited until the children were grown.
I am happier now than I've been for many years. My advice to that young wife in Milwaukee is: Get out now, before there are children and before you resent scheduling your life around sports. Our culture supports and encourages more dedication to sports than to marriage and family. The next relationship I have will be based on mutual interests. Sign me ... NEVER WANTS TO HEAR THE SCORE AGAIN
DEAR NEVER: It takes two people working together to make a marriage work. The letter from "Mateless in Milwaukee" struck a nerve with many readers. I received a mountain of mail from people who wanted to comment. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You forgot to mention one very important option to "Mateless in Milwaukee" regarding her husband's football obsession. You should have suggested that she try to share what is apparently a very important part of his life.
Learn about the game; help with the football league activity and host some game-day parties. Get creative with food ideas in which everyone can participate. Ask the guys to bring their wives/girlfriends along. This way you can socialize in another room or everyone can watch the game together.
Ask your husband to explain the game -- and there are plenty of books available to help you learn the fundamentals. Maybe I'm a bit prejudiced because I've always enjoyed football, but cuddling with my husband on a Sunday afternoon while watching a game is heaven to me.
A couple who shares each other's passion will score touchdowns instead of incomplete passes. -- SOARING HIGH IN EAGLES' COUNTRY
DEAR SOARING: Many couples wrote suggesting that "Mateless" join the party. Others, however, felt that more balance was needed in the relationship. Since that letter generated such a tremendous number of letters, tomorrow I'll print more of them.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Victim of Phone Fraud Is Fearful of Telling Husband
DEAR ABBY: I have been married 54 years, and this is the first time I have kept a secret from my husband. If I were to tell him, I'm afraid it would kill him or my marriage. Neither of us is in good enough health to work. We are both in our 70s, and he thinks we have enough money to carry us through the rest of our lives.
It began with mail saying, "You're a winner!" and my answering the mail. Next came phone calls, and instead of hanging up, I'd talk to whoever it was. I began sending them money and, of course, I'd get a two-bit gift for a few dollars. This got me started. It kept getting worse until I was on every sucker list in the country. It's like I have a gambling disease.
I have an ulcer and shingles from worry and don't know where to turn. All our money (and I mean all) is gone. I'm in debt and can't even pay our bills. We get $900 a month from Social Security, which doesn't go very far. There's no other income.
If I could afford a lawyer and keep my husband from finding out, I'd try getting some of my money back. The only thing I'm sure of now is that no one can get any more money out of me, as there is no more to get.
When I tell them on the phone that I'm broke, they tell me I'm not! I hang up, and they call back and chew me out for hanging up on them. Some are very rude.
I know there is nothing you can do to help me, but just being able to confide in someone helps a little. After rereading this, I'm sitting here shaking. I know I have to handle this problem myself in some way, but I don't know how.
Thank you, Abby, for being here and being someone with whom I can share this heavy burden. -- LOST IN THE DESERT
DEAR LOST: Gather your courage and tell your husband what has happened. Two heads are better than one in a crisis, and you must support each other.
Although most telemarketing calls are legitimate, fraudulent telemarketers often target older people, and it is estimated that their activities cost Americans $40 billion a year. Because this problem has become so widespread, a nationwide effort was begun several years ago to crack down on telemarketing fraud.
In order to create more effective anti-fraud messages, the National Consumers League is conducting a special project, funded by American Express, to study why older people are susceptible to telemarketing fraud. They have discovered that many victims do not consider illegal telemarketers criminals; they think they are just pushy salespeople trying to make a living, and are unaware that the companies they work for are fraudulent. Nothing could be further from the truth.
A new public education campaign will be launched this month to publicize the message that "illegal telemarketers are crooks" with the goal of encouraging consumers to hang up and report them.
I advise you to file a complaint with the National Consumer Fraud Information Center, P.O. Box 65868, Washington, D.C. 20035. Your complaint will be forwarded to law enforcement authorities, and those who have been victimized and need help will be referred to the appropriate agency for assistance. You should also contact your state's attorney general, whose office is in the state capital.
Although it may be too late to get your money back, dear lady, you have done a great service to other seniors by sharing your experience with them.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)