For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Lack of Communication Leads to Teen's Tragic Pregnancy
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from Carol Montgomery of Tucson, who wrote about a teen-ager who was afraid to tell her parents she was pregnant, so she secretly gave birth to a boy and strangled it. Now she is charged with first-degree murder. Ms. Montgomery uses this story to support her view that condoms should be distributed in high schools, thus making sex "safe."
Abby, her argument is fundamentally flawed. She assumes that the girl and her boyfriend, having access to condoms, would have used them. Last time I looked, the pregnancy rate among unwed teen-agers is continuing to rise in spite of condom distribution. Obviously, some teen-agers armed with information and condoms are using neither.
The real tragedy of Ms. Montgomery's example is that the parents were unaware of what was happening with their daughter and also unable or unwilling to communicate their love to her.
When I was a teen-ager, my parents lovingly told me the facts about sex and expressed their hope that I'd wait until marriage. However, they also made it clear that if I chose to become sexually active and became pregnant, I would always have a home with them and they would love me, no matter what. Their strategy worked, and in spite of having raging hormones, I waited.
Instead of assuming that teen-agers have no self-control and handing them condoms, perhaps we should encourage parents to talk with their kids, and decide how sexuality should be handled.
I can think of no better gift to give my children than keeping the lines of communication open so that, even in the darkest of times, they can come to me and we can figure out a solution together. -- SARAH V. BAUMANN, FORT WORTH, TEXAS
DEAR SARAH: Your common sense and compassion rate an A-plus. However, according to the Alan Guttmacher Institute, a not-for-profit corporation for reproductive health research, the pregnancy rate among sexually experienced teen-agers ages 15 to 19 has declined 19 percent in the last two decades -- an encouraging indication that sexually experienced adolescents are using contraceptives more effectively than did their counterparts in the past.
Read on for what two students have to say regarding this issue:
DEAR ABBY: May I add to the sex education debate? The more valid information young people have, the better their choices. Waiting until "the wedding night" to have the facts-of-life chat is too late, and so is 16!
We know that the only kind of diet that really works is one that tells what we CAN eat, not what we CANNOT eat. That also holds true for sex education. Being told what we shouldn't do (i.e., don't date, don't have sex) rarely prevents kids from becoming sexually active.
Parents can share their values and beliefs, and let their children know that they are trusted to make wise choices in tough situations. Sign me ... ALSO FROM TUCSON, AT THE U. OF ARIZONA
DEAR ABBY: I want to thank Carol Montgomery for expressing an opinion that I strongly believe in. We need sex education in schools to promote safer sex.
Two of my friends got pregnant and another friend got a disease. Giving students condoms doesn't tell us it's a good idea to have sex; it reminds us that if we're having sex (or plan to), we should practice safe sex.
Nobody from the press or the television news has asked anyone in my age group what we think about distributing condoms in school. Some teen-agers may be too embarrassed to buy birth control at a drugstore or go to a clinic to ask for the pill.
Not all teen-agers are irresponsible, pot-smoking, cocaine-snorting morons like many adults seem to think.
Thank you, Abby, for allowing me to express my feelings. -- A SENIOR IN THE SOUTHLAND
Grandmothers' Advice Sounds Like Criticism to Mother's Ears
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column every day for a long time, and I need an honest and objective opinion, which I'm sure you will give me.
I am almost 20 and have been married to "Todd" for nearly a year. We have a beautiful 9-month-old daughter named "Claire." We are living with my parents until we can get on our feet.
Todd's mother, stepfather and grandparents all live close by.
My problem: Between my mother and my mother-in-law, at least three times a week, I get comments of some sort on the way we are raising our daughter. I disagree with many of the techniques they used when they were raising children. What seems like advice or ideas to them seems like criticism to me. My mother especially is always saying that I should be doing this or that. Both Mom and my mother-in-law think that because they have been through it, they know what is best for our daughter.
I love our daughter with all my heart and consider myself a good mother. Although Todd's mother and mine did very well raising us, now it's my turn to raise my daughter the way her father and I think is best.
I love Mom and Todd's mother very much, and I have tried to talk to them about constantly giving me advice, but they get defensive and remind me that they have been parents for more than 20 years. Both insist that I should listen to them.
Abby, I know Claire better than anyone else, so shouldn't I know the best way to be a parent to her? -- YOUNG MOTHER IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR YOUNG MOTHER: Yes. Now all you need is the courage of your convictions. Stick to your guns and don't be pressured by all the unsolicited advice you're getting. You need not apologize for doing things your way.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a small office, seven women and one man. The holiday tradition is that the boss and his wife host a holiday dinner in their home for the staff. Last year was my first time to attend.
I was taught from childhood that when you go to someone's home for a party, you bring the hostess a gift -- which I did, along with a small gift for their only child. These gifts were not very expensive and our hosts seemed to be appreciative. The staff contributed to a joint gift for the boss.
Upon returning to the office the next work day, I was told by one of the longtime employees, "We don't buy gifts for the boss's wife and daughter." When you work in an environment of female employees, there can be a lot of back-stabbing, which I don't want to be a part of in any way. Now I don't know what to do about this this year. I would feel very awkward arriving empty-handed, and yet I don't want it to look like I'm seeking brownie points.
Although I won't be comfortable with this decision, I won't take a gift this year, but what should I do next year? Help me if you can, please. -- SHOULD ETIQUETTE PREVAIL?
DEAR SHOULD: It is gracious to give the hostess a gift, but in order to avoid conflict with your co-workers, you could send it a day or two after the party. (And though it's also thoughtful to send the child a gift, it's not necessary.)
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
'Angel' Delivers Christmas Miracle to Grateful Family
DEAR ABBY: I don't know whether this qualifies as an act of kindness or the work of an angel, but here it is:
One Christmas several years ago, my children and I were at my sister's in the country. After the festivities, the kids settled down to watch a movie while we cleaned up the kitchen.
Sometime during the movie, my 8-year-old son, Tim, became bored and slipped outside without anyone noticing. It was one of the coldest winters on record, and Tim wanted to see the ice on the pond some distance from the house.
He slipped, fell through the ice and into the pond, which was about 15 feet deep. He managed to cling to a chunk of ice and scream for help, but he was too far from the house for any of us to hear.
A man driving on the two-lane country road heard Tim's screams. He found my son and managed to pull him to safety with a piece of rope he had in his car.
The man drove Tim to my sister's house, where we immediately ripped off his frozen clothes and put him in the whirlpool bath they had just installed. By the time we returned from the bathroom, the man had disappeared.
That man saved my son's life. To this day, I secretly think he was an angel, but if he was a mortal, I am forced to believe in the universal goodness of humankind.
When I am feeling depressed, I remember that incident. There may be a great deal that's wrong with this country, but there's also a great deal that's right. -- REBECCA WURM, CLUTE, TEXAS
DEAR REBECCA: That was a Christmas miracle if ever I heard one, guardian angel and all.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you will permit me to respond to a recent letter you printed from a reader who complained of problems with blushing and embarrassment, asking what could be done about it.
I was surprised that the advice offered was essentially that nothing could be done for the problem. It sounded to me as though the writer was suffering from symptoms of social phobia, the most common form of anxiety disorder, affecting 14 percent of the population.
Blushing, sweating, trembling or heart palpitations are quite frequent physical signs of this disorder, which is characterized by fear of scrutiny or fear of humiliation/embarrassment in front of others. It can be a disabling and extremely distressing state, about which the medical profession has been largely ignorant.
I should like to point out that there are now several highly effective treatments for social phobia, including anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drugs. Also, non-medication behavioral treatments are effective. Sufferers from social phobia frequently profit by attending a phobia support group, which exists in most communities. -- JONATHAN R.T. DAVIDSON, M.D., DIRECTOR, ANXIETY AND TRAUMATIC STRESS PROGRAM, DUKE UNIVERSITY MEDICAL CENTER
DEAR DR. DAVIDSON: I'm sure that many readers will join me in thanking you for this information. This was news to me, and I'm certain it will be to many others.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)