What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Father Discovers His Will Is Way to Guide His Children
DEAR ABBY: I have always known that making a will is important, especially if one has children. But for years I procrastinated and never seemed to find the time to do it.
I have finally made out my will -- and in the process, I have discovered something significant.
I didn't want to leave my children with "just a will," because the legal wording didn't tell them anything about what I feel is really important -- how much I love them. So, I have written my kids a letter that's kept with my will. In it, I explain what I had hoped to teach them over the years, the kind of adults I want them to become, the moral code by which I would like them to conduct themselves, how I pray they value their mother and each other.
Such a letter was not an easy one to write, but now that it's done, I have found it has helped me to be a much better parent. Because I have written down what is important to me, I am now able to focus on those issues with my children, and do a better job of rising above the "noise level" of daily living.
Abby, please suggest that your readers try this. They may find it helps them in ways a will never could in defining their goals and guiding their children. It doesn't have to be a long letter (in fact, it's probably better kept brief) as long as it comes from the heart. -- PLEASED PARENT IN WISCONSIN
DEAR PLEASED PARENT: I have long been an advocate of organizing one's thoughts on paper, and many readers have confided to me that just the process of writing their problems on paper has made them feel better. I think your suggestion is valuable. A "personalized parent's guide" could be a valuable tool for both the parent and child.
DEAR ABBY: Our father passed away earlier this year. All his adult life he wore a St. Christopher medal and his college ring, which he treasured and never removed.
After the funeral viewing, I wanted to keep these items (one for me and one for my brother) to remember Dad by. My brother felt that Dad should be buried with these items because they were so special to him.
After some trouble, we decided to keep the jewelry, knowing how much Dad cherished them. Do you think we did the right thing? -- LOVING DAUGHTER IN LAKELAND, FLA.
DEAR LOVING DAUGHTER: Yes -- without a doubt.
DEAR ABBY: My brother used to brag that he had slept with you and your sister. You see, he was born July 11, 1918, in the same hospital in Sioux City, Iowa, as you were. Since mothers and babies remained in the hospital for 10 days at that time, he is positive that you did sleep with him in the same nursery. -- LOIS BILES, LONG BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR LOIS: According to my birth certificate, my twin sister and I were delivered at home by Dr. Frank Murphy. We never saw the inside of a hospital until we had our tonsils removed when we were 4 years old.
Now, please remind your brother that a gentleman never discusses with whom he has slept.
LAWYER'S LOOSE LIPS LEAVE WOMAN WITH SINKING FEELING
DEAR ABBY: I live in a small town where the rumor mill can get quite vicious. When I filed for divorce from my husband, I told my lawyer that for the sake of the children I didn't want to bring up any of the abuses I had to put up with during our marriage. I saw no point in airing our dirty laundry publicly, so my lawyer filed on the grounds that we had been separated for one year.
It turns out that my lawyer's wife is a terrible gossip. She discussed the problems in my marriage with anyone who would listen. (I understand that I am not the only client she has talked about.)
I am devastated. Now the whole town knows. I am sickened that our children will hear the things from which I tried so hard to protect them. It has made the situation even worse between my ex and me.
I thought that lawyers were required to keep everything confidential. The damage has been done to me and my family, so there's nothing I can do, but I would like to know what you think. -- BETRAYED
DEAR BETRAYED: Your attorney has violated the American Bar Association's code of professional conduct, which dictates that everything a client says to an attorney must be held in strictest confidence, a very serious infraction.
While it won't stop the gossip already circulating, you do have legal recourse. You can file a grievance against him by contacting your state's bar association. It will either accept the complaint or direct you to the appropriate disciplinary agency in your state.
If you have difficulty locating the disciplinary agency, send a self-addressed, stamped, business-sized envelope for a state-by-state listing to the American Bar Association, Service Center, Re: Directory of Lawyer Disciplinary Agencies, 541 N. Fairbanks Court, Chicago, Ill. 60611. Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: I have never seen my problem in your column and must therefore believe others are not as affected as I am concerning this issue.
I am afraid of dead people.
I am a white, 60-year-old female, well-educated and a product of the Deep South.
I can go to a wake or funeral as long as others are around, but I will not go into a room alone where there is someone lying in a casket.
My mother is elderly, and I live in terror of her death because I know I will be expected to kiss her. This is something a lot of families in the Deep South do.
As much as I love my mother, the thought of having to kiss her dead lips is terrifying to me.
When I was 3, I was held up over my dead great-grandfather and made to kiss his cheek. It was like kissing a cold piece of marble.
I am a Christian and don't think I am abnormal, but this is something I cannot share with anyone.
My mother and sisters have no problem kissing our dead relatives, but I just can't do it. Am I abnormal? -- ASHAMED
DEAR ASHAMED: Abnormal? No. Traumatized, yes. Children should not be forced into gestures of affection, as you were. When the time comes, do not worry about kissing your deceased mother. If anyone comments, say, "I want to remember kissing her warm cheek when she was alive."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Deadly Sleep Disorder Is Simple to Spot and Treat
DEAR ABBY: I am a physician who specializes in patients with sleep disorders. The dramatic letter you printed concerning a 32-year-old man who died in his sleep of morbid obesity should be very interesting to all of us.
The death, of course, is tragic. Your readers should know that even in the absence of weight loss, this death might have been avoided, or at least postponed. People with obesity die in their sleep because of a condition called "obstructive sleep apnea." This disorder causes asphyxiation because the airway is unstable and collapses during sleep, producing a drop in the oxygen level.
The symptoms of sleep apnea are easily recognized even by a layperson. Patients with this disorder snore loudly, appear to hold their breath during sleep, and awaken repeatedly through the night with gasps and snorts, which indicate a blockage of the airway.
Sleep apnea is easily treated with a mechanical device called "nasal continuous positive airway pressure." This treatment can be instituted even in the absence of weight loss and produces a significant improvement in the individual's well-being.
I hope that your readers will understand that obesity itself does not kill during sleep. It is sleep apnea that produces this terrible outcome. -- NEIL FELDMAN, M.D., ST. PETERSBURG (FLA.) SLEEP DISORDERS CENTER
DEAR DR. FELDMAN: I think you have stated it very clearly. If my readers learn something they did not know from your letter, they will not be alone -- I learn every day from the people who write to me. Thank you for an important letter.
DEAR ABBY: I read your quotes from the courts of law a few days ago and got a big laugh from them. But did you know that actions can speak louder than words, even in a courtroom?
My grandfather, John M. Killits, was a district federal court judge in the 1930s, and a local judge before that. In one of his cases an injured man was suing someone for his injuries, and the defending lawyer became suspicious about the case. He appeared very friendly and sympathetic.
First he said: "I see that one of your serious injuries was damage to your left arm. Is that right? How high can you raise it?" The man grunted and groaned and managed to raise his arm about a foot.
The lawyer clucked sympathetically, "My goodness, that IS terrible. How high could you raise it before it was injured?"
"Oh, about like this," the man replied, and he lifted the arm high above his head.
Needless to say, the whole courtroom burst out laughing and Grandpa threw the case out of the court. -- RICHARD N. GARDNER, HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)