Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HELP FOR PANIC DISORDER IS JUST A TOLL-FREE CALL AWAY
DEAR ABBY: My heart went out to the woman who wrote about her panic disorder and inability to drive. However, I was even more troubled about her isolation and shame over having an illness -- panic disorder -- that is no more a sign of "weakness" than is diabetes, heart disease or any other ailment.
While I heartily echo your encouragement that she seek help from a mental health professional, and while her personal physician is an excellent place to start, please tell your readers about a wonderful service sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). It's a 24-hour toll-free line: 1-800-647-2642, which provides free literature about panic disorder.
Too many people who need treatment are unable to seek professional help due to financial limitations, geographical restrictions and fear of being thought "crazy." Straightforward information not only can prove useful, it also can give sufferers the reassurance they may need to seek help. Although panic attacks are agonizing to experience, they are usually treatable -- and often by understanding them, relief can be gained.
You do people a world of good with your sound, sympathetic and commonsense advice, Abby. As a mental health professional for the past 20 years, I'm a huge fan and never miss your column. -- SYMPATHETIC TO PANIC SUFFERERS
DEAR SYMPATHETIC: I am pleased to publicize the National Institute of Mental Health toll-free number, because an estimated 24 million Americans suffer from one or another of the anxiety disorders. As you pointed out, panic disorders are treatable with education and medication. Thank you for making the effort to inform my readers.
DEAR ABBY: When my mother died in 1995 at the age of 83, she left behind five cartons of loose photographs that she had intended to sort and label. "Sometime when I have time," she always said. I couldn't identify half the people in the pictures, but I knew who could.
After the funeral and lunch at the small country church, I spread the photographs on two tabletops and invited the gathered relatives to dig through them to select those photos they wanted for themselves or others they know who were in them.
For more than three hours, the survivors marveled, laughed and reminisced about days gone by. My uncles and aunts identified the individuals in the frames, sought out the person to tell them the occasion and setting when the picture was taken, and then handed them the pictures.
Everyone left with a handful of precious memories. -- BILL B. FROM MINNESOTA
DEAR BILL B.: What a terrific idea. And what a clever theme for a holiday party when relatives gather to celebrate.
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for many years, but this is the first time to write.
When my mother was getting old and in poor health, I would see friends of hers and they would say, "I would call your mother, but I'm afraid she might be sleeping or resting." Abby, that is not the way she wanted it to be.
Now that I am getting old, my greatest joy is for someone to visit or call me. Wake me up! I have plenty of time to sleep. Please call me any time of day or night -- early or late. Just call me. It would make my day. -- WAITING FOR A CALL IN TUCSON, ARIZ.
DEAR WAITING: I can think of few things as depressing as isolation. Stop waiting for your phone to ring and make some calls to others. You don't say how old you are, or the condition of your health, but if you're able to leave your dwelling, a wonderful way to meet people and stay involved is to volunteer your time for a worthwhile cause. Please consider it.
FRIENDS DON'T LET THEIR FRIENDS DESTROY THEMSELVES WITH DRUGS
DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from burying my firstborn cherished child, who died from a drug overdose. The "Just Say No" campaign has been a great failure in our country. Perhaps a better theme would be, "Tell someone if you suspect that a friend has a substance-abuse problem."
I know we have all been raised not to tattle, but if just one of the young people who were so devastated at my child's funeral had anonymously telephoned a member of the clergy, a school counselor, a neighbor or family member and said, "This is what I know or suspect my friend is doing; please help him (or her)," the outcome would have been different.
My clever, well-educated, beautiful child was also a master of deceit. For the past few years, the trust that we had in our child had been misplaced. There was a self-destructive urge that was stronger than anything that had ever existed in our world. The heartbroken friends that we saw today were all part of the great conspiracy of silence: "Don't tattle on your friends. They can get themselves straightened out." Well, they can't and they didn't -- and now some of them are dead!
Had an anonymous message been relayed to us, maybe there wouldn't have been a funeral today, but a continuation of a beautiful, productive life. I know now that whenever I hear something that troubles me, I'll pass that information to someone who can check it out. The pain of losing this child will be with me forever. Perhaps if some good can come of this, one life will not have been wasted, and someone else will be spared immeasurable heartache.
God bless you, Abby. -- SOMEONE IN GEORGIA
DEAR SOMEONE: Please accept my heartfelt condolences on the loss of your child. I'm printing your letter with the hope that it will encourage younger readers to speak up when they know a friend is in trouble.
DEAR ABBY: A former co-worker was recently divorced from her husband of 2 1/2 years. I have known this couple for approximately 18 months. She used to confide in me about all the problems they were going through. She felt she had made a huge mistake in marrying him. They both finally decided to call it quits and proceeded with the divorce.
I have not talked to this woman in about eight months. She no longer works for the same company and has moved to a different city. I know she is seeing someone new.
A few months ago I received a call from her ex-husband, who asked if I would have dinner with him. I agreed, and now we have fallen in love. I have kept the fact that we are dating a secret at work because some of my co-workers knew about all of his previous marital problems.
Our relationship seems to be going in a serious direction. Should I reveal this to my co-workers, and if so, when would be a good time? Would it be better to keep our relationship confidential for the time being? And last but not least, is it wrong to date a former friend's ex? -- SECRET LOVE IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR SECRET LOVE: I see nothing wrong with dating your former friend's ex, since you had nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage. And because the relationship is getting serious, the time to take it out of the closet is now.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband With Wife in Nursing Home Needs to Care for Himself
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the man in Olympia, Wash., whose wife has Alzheimer's disease and doesn't even recognize him prompts me to write. Although he continues to visit her in the nursing home, he feels guilty about seeing the widow next door to him.
My husband and I were also childhood sweethearts, and we have just celebrated our 46th anniversary, too. As you reach our age, thoughts of just this sort of possibility occur.
It would pain me terribly if I thought for one minute that should I get Alzheimer's or some other debilitating disease, my dear husband would feel that he must also give up the rest of his life to sit by my bedside watching me "in a world of my own."
Obviously, this man was always a thoughtful and loving husband during their marriage. Perhaps he should try to imagine how he would feel if he were the ill partner. Would he begrudge her having some joy and comfort while he was oblivious to the world? I think not.
Please, Abby, tell that man he has no reason to feel guilty. If his wife could speak, she would give him her blessing and thank him for the last 46 years. -- MARY JANE SEGERSON
DEAR MARY JANE: I told the husband that a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a grief counselor or clergyperson could help him absolve his feelings of guilt, and that an Alzheimer's support group could also be helpful. But your letter gets right to the heart of the dilemma. Although not everyone is as enlightened as you, I am with you 100 percent. This does not reduce the responsibility of the well spouse to ensure that the loved one receives the best and most compassionate care possible. But life is a gift that should be enjoyed.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I work in a small family business. A female employee spends a great deal of time in my husband's office. (I'll call her Sally.) She flatters him constantly and often brings him food. Although Sally is married and has children, my husband has gone to her home several times to assist her with setting up her computer.
Last week, we were all having lunch. Sally sat across from my husband and I noticed that her foot was touching his leg!
When I left work one evening, I forgot something and had to return to my office. My husband was in Sally's office, and I overheard him telling her not to sit next to him at lunch because I was jealous! (She was laughing!) I was enraged that he would discuss my confidences with this woman, and I later confronted him about it. He apologized for this disloyalty.
Abby, I am in a dilemma, as I must work with this woman daily. I am her supervisor. All the strange comments she has made in the past seem to indicate that there is more than just friendship between her and my husband. To make matters worse, she's unhappy in her marriage and several of her friends are going through divorces. I don't want to lose my husband. Any advice would help. -- FRANTIC
DEAR FRANTIC: First, have a long talk with your husband. Show him this letter and tell him you wrote it.
Sally may or may not be a threat to your marriage. You and your husband should have counseling, because whatever is going on could not be happening without his willingness to tolerate it.
Years ago, I would have recommended that you and your husband find this woman a job elsewhere. But in the '90s, a lawsuit for sexual discrimination or sexual harassment could be more expensive than a divorce, and turn your lives upside down.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)