Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband With Wife in Nursing Home Needs to Care for Himself
DEAR ABBY: The letter from the man in Olympia, Wash., whose wife has Alzheimer's disease and doesn't even recognize him prompts me to write. Although he continues to visit her in the nursing home, he feels guilty about seeing the widow next door to him.
My husband and I were also childhood sweethearts, and we have just celebrated our 46th anniversary, too. As you reach our age, thoughts of just this sort of possibility occur.
It would pain me terribly if I thought for one minute that should I get Alzheimer's or some other debilitating disease, my dear husband would feel that he must also give up the rest of his life to sit by my bedside watching me "in a world of my own."
Obviously, this man was always a thoughtful and loving husband during their marriage. Perhaps he should try to imagine how he would feel if he were the ill partner. Would he begrudge her having some joy and comfort while he was oblivious to the world? I think not.
Please, Abby, tell that man he has no reason to feel guilty. If his wife could speak, she would give him her blessing and thank him for the last 46 years. -- MARY JANE SEGERSON
DEAR MARY JANE: I told the husband that a psychiatrist, a psychologist, a grief counselor or clergyperson could help him absolve his feelings of guilt, and that an Alzheimer's support group could also be helpful. But your letter gets right to the heart of the dilemma. Although not everyone is as enlightened as you, I am with you 100 percent. This does not reduce the responsibility of the well spouse to ensure that the loved one receives the best and most compassionate care possible. But life is a gift that should be enjoyed.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I work in a small family business. A female employee spends a great deal of time in my husband's office. (I'll call her Sally.) She flatters him constantly and often brings him food. Although Sally is married and has children, my husband has gone to her home several times to assist her with setting up her computer.
Last week, we were all having lunch. Sally sat across from my husband and I noticed that her foot was touching his leg!
When I left work one evening, I forgot something and had to return to my office. My husband was in Sally's office, and I overheard him telling her not to sit next to him at lunch because I was jealous! (She was laughing!) I was enraged that he would discuss my confidences with this woman, and I later confronted him about it. He apologized for this disloyalty.
Abby, I am in a dilemma, as I must work with this woman daily. I am her supervisor. All the strange comments she has made in the past seem to indicate that there is more than just friendship between her and my husband. To make matters worse, she's unhappy in her marriage and several of her friends are going through divorces. I don't want to lose my husband. Any advice would help. -- FRANTIC
DEAR FRANTIC: First, have a long talk with your husband. Show him this letter and tell him you wrote it.
Sally may or may not be a threat to your marriage. You and your husband should have counseling, because whatever is going on could not be happening without his willingness to tolerate it.
Years ago, I would have recommended that you and your husband find this woman a job elsewhere. But in the '90s, a lawsuit for sexual discrimination or sexual harassment could be more expensive than a divorce, and turn your lives upside down.
Woman Haunted for 30 Years by Love Lost in High School
DEAR ABBY: When I was in the eighth grade I didn't "like boys." Building forts was much more interesting. But when my first love walked into our classroom, I knew I loved him the second I saw him.
We liked each other all during high school, although my parents told me I was too young to like boys. When he gave me gifts, I had to give them back. When he offered me his class ring I wasn't allowed to take it. It silently broke my heart. In all those years, I didn't ever tell him I loved him -- or how much.
He was the valedictorian of our class, and after high school he went on to Stanford University. I went to nurse's training. His life prospered; mine disintegrated.
At age 30, I married a man to please my father. That marriage ended in divorce eight years and two children later. After being a single parent for seven years, I longed for a husband and family. I married a man who had my first love's name. This marriage ended a year later after a lot of trauma to me and my children.
Two years ago, I realized that my true love was "missing in action" in my heart and that I hadn't been able to go on with my life. I located him through the Stanford Alumni register and after 30 years, talked with him -- for 42 minutes. He's happily married with four children.
After that phone call, I grieved for two days and then reconciled my love for him in my heart.
Abby, no other true love has come into my life. Perhaps one never will. Please encourage parents to take their children seriously. The heart is never too young to love deeply and eternally.
Thank you. I cannot sign this letter since I don't wish to expose my parents to the heartache they caused me so young in life, and the profound impact that forcing me to deny my love has had on me throughout the years. -- FINALLY RECONCILED, RICHLAND, WASH.
DEAR RECONCILED: Yours is a dramatic story. It's gratifying to know that you have finally found peace and resolved your first love.
When parents tell children that they are "too young" to be seriously in love, what they usually mean is that the children are too young to shoulder the responsibilities that accompany their turbulent emotions. I hope that the next time you find love, it brings you every happiness.
DEAR ABBY: My wife died two years ago. I know absolutely nothing about her side of the family. Although we had a wonderful trouble-free marriage of 47 years, she did not discuss her family.
Among her possessions is a photo album from 1880. All of the photos are excellent, taken in professional studios. The album is blue velvet, in mint condition. The pictures were taken in Illinois, Ohio, Missouri, Nebraska, Colorado; Los Angeles, Oakland and Pasadena, Calif.
Only one photograph is identified with a name: "Mrs. A. Hemenover, 1300 San Pablo Ave., Oakland, Calif., May 5, 1902."
Abby, I would love to return this album to any of her descendants. If anyone reading your column can help, I'm sure it will make the family very happy.
There are no strings attached and no thought of financial gain; I simply hate to see this beautiful album lost to the family. I am 77 years old and a totally responsible citizen.
Incidentally, my wife's maiden name was Jean Elenor Alameda. She was born in Oakland, Calif., and graduated from high school there. -- GAYEL G. CHEW
DEAR GAYEL G. CHEW: How generous of you. If a family member claims this album, I will contact you. Thank you for giving me your name, address and telephone number.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN WHO HELPED HITCHIKERS PUT HIS LIFE IN THEIR HANDS
DEAR ABBY: When I saw that letter from "Worried," whose husband picks up hitchhikers, I had to write. He may do it because it makes him feel good, but he should listen to his wife. Or maybe he would rather hear it from me. I've had firsthand experience.
My grandfather was also a kind man. One day that kindness led to tragedy. He had always said if he needed a ride, he hoped someone would pick him up. One day, he saw a young man walking on the highway "thumbing" a ride. My grandfather couldn't ignore the man, so he gave him a ride. That was the last ride my grandfather gave anybody. He was brutally beaten to death. He was thrown into a ditch, with only a blanket to cover him. His body was discovered a week later by a bus full of schoolchildren returning from spring vacation.
Because of his age and "good behavior," my grandfather's killer served only a few years for his crime.
"Worried" should ask her husband to read this letter. Perhaps then he will realize that someday my grandfather's story may be his own. I know how this hurt our family. I hope my letter will save another family from a similar tragedy. -- CONCERNED IN WASHINGTON
DEAR CONCERNED: I, too, hope your letter will serve as a warning to other kindhearted but misguided souls.
Never pick up a hitchhiker. If someone appears stranded on a street or highway, the prudent way to lend assistance is to notify the police, sheriff or highway patrol.
DEAR ABBY: As a professional who works with grieving individuals on a daily basis, I would like to offer another opinion to the person who wrote you advising that food brought to grieving people be brought in disposable containers or "garage sale castoffs" rather than in containers that need to be returned.
Abby, returning the empty container is the important part. It becomes a way for the grieving individual to have contact with the person who sent the food. That subsequent contact may be more needed than the food that came in the container.
People who are grieving need contact with others, and this is a good way to get it. -- PAUL V. JOHNSON, DIRECTOR OF AFTERCARE SERVICES, ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR MR. JOHNSON: You make an excellent point.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to a recent letter in your column regarding dental patients who do not brush their teeth before their dental appointments.
I can understand the dental hygienist's chagrin. But I want to know what to say to a dentist when he has bad breath. On occasion, my dentist could use some mouthwash -- but I just don't know how to tell him. Do you have any ideas? -- GAGGING IN OHIO
DEAR GAGGING: How you tell people they have bad breath is not a problem. It's whether you have the courage to tell them that could be a problem.
If your relationship with the dentist is cordial, you might smile and say, "What's it going to be -- a mint, some mouthwash or a mask?" If you've caught your dentist unaware, the next question will be, "What do you mean?" to which you can respond, "You're about to wilt me with your dragon's breath."
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)