For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently became engaged to a well-educated young man with a background similar to hers. I don't know her fiance well, but they recently spent a week at my home and his behavior made me very uncomfortable.
He acted as if this was now his home. He helped himself to food in the refrigerator and cabinets, made long-distance telephone calls, helped himself to car washing and waxing supplies, and was constantly telling me a better way to do everything, from preparing dinner to waxing the car.
Following a huge dinner, he got up with no thanks for this expensive feast and raided the refrigerator! In the evenings after watching his TV selections, he would disappear into his bedroom without so much as a "good night" to anyone.
I feel good manners dictate that in someone else's home, family or not, one should ask permission to use things and to eat between meals. One should thank the host for meals and hospitality, and make no negative remarks about the way things are done.
Abby, am I being overly sensitive? Should I ask my daughter if she noticed her fiance's behavior? I am concerned for my daughter's happiness because she will always have to do things his way and agree with him to keep him happy.
I fear a heart-to-heart talk with my daughter may estrange her from me, and that would be worse than tolerating her fiance's crude behavior. Should I keep quiet or speak up? -- CONCERNED PARENT
DEAR CONCERNED PARENT: The young man's behavior shows an obvious lack of manners. Love may be blind, but your daughter needs to open her eyes to reality. Her fiance's insensitivity and poor manners will be substantial handicaps if he hopes to get ahead in the business world.
I suggest you discuss your feelings with your daughter, but don't be confrontational. However, if she decides to marry him, warts and all, offer no more "helpful criticisms."
DEAR ABBY: Perhaps you have room for one more letter on sibling rivalry:
When Cindi, my second daughter, was born, Camille, my first, was about 18 months old. Whenever I cradled Cindi in my arms and Camille was nearby, I would make a point of saying to the baby, "Oh, Cindi, I hope you grow up to be as wonderful as Camille. Camille is so sweet and such a special daughter. You're so lucky to have her as your sister. And we are so blessed to have her as our daughter."
Cindi felt my love as I held her, and Camille understood the words and my loving gesture as I took her little hand in mine or patted her head lovingly. I did the same thing when Sabrina was born -- but now I had two older daughters to include in the loving circle.
My daughters are all adults now -- fulfilled in their careers, and still completely loving and supportive of each other. And, I must say, I am a very proud father! -- ORLANDO K. CELLUCCI, RENO, NEV.
DEAR ORLANDO: You are to be congratulated. Not only did you ensure that each of your daughters maintained a high level of self-esteem when the next child arrived, you also managed at the same time to quell any feelings of sibling rivalry. Other parents could learn from you.
Poem Gave Alcoholic Courage to Risk Facing Her Problem
DEAR ABBY: I have been meaning to write to you for a very long time. I'm not interested in a reply. This is a thank-you note.
Eleven years ago, the following piece was published in your column. I had just taken the first step regarding "doing something" about my drinking. At that time, I was a 49-year-old woman, and honestly admitting that I had a problem with alcohol was extremely difficult.
Initially, this poem is what kept me going back to AA. I had been a prisoner, doing hard time in the high-walled prison of alcoholism.
I still have the original, almost worn-out copy from your column. It's been printed and reprinted (not for monetary gain) many, many times. I can't begin to tell you how many of us it has helped.
Perhaps it's time for you to do a rerun.
Thank you! -- ALCOHOLIC IN RECOVERY, NO NAME, ANY TOWN, DATE OF SOBRIETY: JULY 16, 1985
DEAR RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC: Congratulations on your continuing sobriety. I agree, the poem is well worth repeating.
THE DILEMMA
To laugh is to risk appearing a fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk rejection.
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love. Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave. He has forfeited his freedom.
Only a person who dares to risk is free.
DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I'm 30 years old and have a professional career. My whole life I have dealt with the embarrassment of showing my embarrassment. My face tends to turn bright red very easily. If I'm a little uncomfortable or speaking to a group or even if people look at me, I blush. It gets worse when someone points it out.
I'm tired of it. I want to know how to stop turning red and what to say to people who feel compelled to call attention to my redness. -- FEELING BLUE FROM TURNING RED
DEAR FEELING BLUE: Blushing cannot be controlled. It occurs when a person feels embarrassment, shame, modesty, confusion or is at a loss for words. There is nothing you can "do" about it, so when someone rudely calls attention to your redness, I suggest you say nothing.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
COURTROOM GAFFES PROVIDE CHANCE TO LAUGH AT LAWYERS
DEAR READERS: And you thought there was nothing funny about the law. David Broome of Phoenix sent me something that may change your mind. These are questions (taken from official U.S. court records) lawyers have put to people on the stand:
Question: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you alone or by yourself?
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on Nov. 8.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was Aug. 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)