To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Adoptees' Need to Know Is Both Emotional and Medical
DEAR ABBY: A letter recently appeared in your column from a mother who was upset because the birth mother of her adopted daughter had written to her requesting to meet the girl.
I am an adoptee who is actively involved in helping other adoptees and birth mothers with their searches. I believe you replied correctly in advising the mother to tell her daughter about the letter she received. However, I think your advice should have included, in addition, a message about the importance of knowing about the medical history and the current medical condition of the birth mother. If the girl still does not wish to meet her birth mother, that's fine. But the adoptive mother and the birth mother should remain in contact with each other so that if a medical necessity should arise, or should the girl change her mind, contact could be made.
The need to know about our biological roots varies among adoptees and surfaces at different times in our lives. But it will eventually become an issue. No matter how good our relationship with our parents, or how much we are loved, there's a basic need in all adoptees to know who we are, who we look like and the circumstances behind our relinquishment.
It usually has no reflection on how we were raised, and a child's finding a birth parent is not to be feared as many adoptive parents believe. No one will ever take the place of Mom and Dad. If a "find" results in a relationship, then all the better. Often there are other siblings to be gained, or at least half-brothers or sisters, and there is always enough love to go around.
This has always been a sensitive issue and one that we are just beginning to learn how to deal with. You may use my name. -- GARY STRODE, TULSA, OKLA.
DEAR GARY: There are many sound reasons for encouraging and facilitating reunions between birth parents and their children. An opportunity for them to meet should be made available if both parties are willing. The secrecy that once shrouded adoption is no longer necessary now that society has come to understand that a pregnancy outside of marriage is not an unforgivable crime.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to a letter you published from "Bothered Brother," about the way his brother "Mike" treats the employees at their small firm.
Just because Mike is the boss doesn't mean he can be a bully. The highest incidence of workers' compensation lawsuits currently under litigation are: 1) intentional tort; 2) stress, embarrassment, humiliation; 3) violence in the workplace. Since "tort" is defined as damage, injury or a wrongful act done willfully or negligently, the No. 1 reason applies to Mike. Stress, embarrassment and humiliation are a given in this case.
If a supervisor hits or physically abuses an employee, the supervisor and the company can be sued by the employee. In this case, workers' compensation insurance would not protect the company or the owners. It is "Bothered Brother's" responsibility to keep his brother in check because it is his company, too. And all three reasons could be used by a sharp attorney to convince one of the employees to take the company to court. Since Mike throws his tantrums in front of the entire workforce, there are many witnesses -- most of whom have probably been yelled at themselves and who might want to retaliate.
I'm not an attorney, but I am a supervisor of eight people, and I would be fired on the spot if I acted that way at our company. -- CAUTIOUS BOSS IN INDIANAPOLIS
DEAR CAUTIOUS BOSS: Thank you for the input. Your letter may have a chilling effect on more than one hotheaded employer.
Friendly Hospital Handshake Can Unleash Enemy Germs
DEAR ABBY: I have never seen this subject in your column -- shaking hands with patients in hospitals. There has been a lot of information to the effect that we transmit germs when we shake hands with, hug or otherwise touch others.
When I visit patients in a hospital, I refuse to shake hands with them. I tell them they have enough troubles now and they do not need me bringing new and different germs to complicate their problems.
It would seem to me that hospitals would discourage the practice of shaking hands with patients. I would hope that the doctors would support this policy.
Thank you for listening to me. You may use my name. -- HARRY C. WILLIAMS JR., NASHVILLE, TENN.
DEAR MR. WILLIAMS: The doctors do support you in that policy. I recall an infection awareness campaign that was sponsored by the Mayo Clinic (that medical mecca in Minnesota) in which posters were displayed throughout the hospital corridors. Upon each was illustrated a pair of hands, and beneath, the terse message: "The 10 Most Common Causes of Infection."
As a reminder to doctors, nurses and employees of the Mayo Clinic to wash their hands frequently, other posters were displayed bearing this catchy message: "A milligram of handwashing is worth a kilogram of antibiotics." Obviously, the same goes for visitors.
DEAR ABBY: When a very dear relative died several years ago, she left me a small inheritance that I shared with my family and church.
I also bought my closest friend a simple, yet beautiful piece of jewelry, which I have seen her wear only three times over the years. This makes me very sad. I would like to offer to buy it back from my friend. I would wear it often and it would mean a lot to me, as it was originally purchased with my loved one's money.
Abby, is this reasonable, or do you think it would be resented? My friend and I are still close, and I wouldn't hurt her feelings for the world. -- SAD IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR SAD: Yes, offer to buy it back from your friend. I cannot imagine her being resentful or hurt; she probably would be delighted to give it to you. But you have nothing to lose by offering to buy it.
DEAR ABBY: A possible solution to "A Floridian" who wants his remains to remain in Florida while his adult children want him buried next to their mother, his first wife:
Request cremation, and have half the ashes buried in Florida and the other half with the children's mother.
Abby, believe it or not, where to put the remains can be a painful issue. I've got three places I "need to be" after I'm dead (just like in life, huh?), and this is a great solution.
Also, ashes do not have to be scattered. They can be buried, kept on a mantel or subdivided like real estate. -- TRULY SCATTERED IN OREGON
DEAR TRULY SCATTERED: There's wisdom in what you suggest. Better a half-ashed interment than none at all.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Pride in Language Heritage Does Not Excuse Being Rude
DEAR ABBY: Your English-only-or-bust advice to "Annoyed in New Mexico" was yet another offense against those of us who do not fit the mold set for us by middle America. Why should it be considered such an offense for two people to use the language of their choice to each other? If these two couples are so close, the annoyed pair should understand the importance of the Spanish language for their friends. How the couple speak to each other is their own business, and their use of Spanish may go back to reasons that "Annoyed" does not try, or care, to understand.
There are many people here in New Mexico (and elsewhere) whose parents were severely punished for the use of their primary language, Spanish. As a result, the next generation was taught English only. Those of us who learned Spanish later consider it of the utmost importance to remember our heritage and to practice our language. Apparently, the New Mexico Legislature agrees with us: It is the only bilingual lawmaking body in the United States.
Perhaps "Annoyed" should learn a little more about the background of her friends. She may learn something that will make her a little more tolerant. Oh, and you, too, Abby. Sign me ... HABLO ESPANOL EN NUEVO MEXICO (I SPEAK SPANISH IN NEW MEXICO)
DEAR HABLO: You will notice that after your signature, I added the English translation. That's because there are many very nice people who, for one reason or another, do not understand Spanish, but who might want to understand your signature.
I agree it's important for people to preserve their cultural heritage; however, speaking a foreign language in the presence of those who do not understand it excludes them from the conversation, which is considered inexcusably rude in any language.
DEAR ABBY: A week ago I purchased a hair coloring product. As I had previously developed a minor rash after using such a product, I performed the allergy test described in the instructions.
I developed a terrible rash, which is healing very slowly. The inside of my elbow is still itchy, scabby, puffy and red. If I had used this product on my head, I believe I'd be in the hospital right now, having lost all of my hair.
I'm sure there are many people out there who blithely apply such products without heed to the warnings. I have never been allergic to anything in my life. Your readers should take the time to do the allergy test before using any hair coloring or altering product. My rash took six hours to commence, so give it time. You might be very glad you did. I sure am.
Thank you for being there for us all these years, Abby. I'm sure I'm not the only person who, in trying to resolve a problem, tries to think of what Dear Abby would say. -- LEARNED THE EASY WAY, JUNEAU, ALASKA
DEAR LEARNED THE EASY WAY: I, too, am sure that many people apply products without first reading the package inserts and warning labels. But I'm willing to bet that after seeing your letter, some readers will think twice about it and act more cautiously. I know I will. Thank you for the reminder.
DEAR ABBY: I liked your response to "A Friend Who Cares," who was concerned because her friend "Elsa" was apparently drinking again. Abby, it is important for her to speak with Elsa for another reason. If she is not drinking, her symptoms (slurred speech, repeating herself and argumentativeness) might be caused by a neurological disorder, and she should be evaluated by her family physician or a neurologist. -- ELLEN S. GROSH, M.D., PLYMOUTH, MINN.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)