For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Hard of Hearing May Need New Attitude as Well as Aid
DEAR ABBY: I had to comment on the letter from "R.H.G.," whose mother refuses to wear a hearing aid because she thinks it will make her "old." If she tries one matter-of-factly and refuses to let it change her lifestyle, hardly anyone will even notice it.
I am a male who lost my hearing at age 5, and got my first hearing aid, a clunky body-worn thing, at age 13. My parents were positive that I was frail and weak, so school was all academics and no athletics until I left home for college and started making up for lost time. Of course, I couldn't wear the hearing aid while playing basketball or wrestling, but my teammates and partners had no problem with speaking louder when necessary.
I have been coaching high school and youth league wrestling teams for the last 20 years. My current hearing aid is a behind-the-ear model that I take off and put back on several times at every practice, yet even some of the wrestlers with whom I have worked the most closely have failed to notice the aid for years until I happened to mention it.
"R.H.G.'s" mother could style her hair to conceal a hearing aid, but the best and most effective "cover-up" she can use will be to lead an active life and treat the hearing aid like any other routine item of clothing. -- NAMELESS, PLEASE
DEAR NAMELESS: In this case, the woman's attitude impairment is more disabling than her hearing impairment. I hope she sees your letter.
DEAR ABBY: I know that you have touched on my problem in your column a number of times, but someone wrote an excellent letter you printed, suggesting to family and friends around Thanksgiving that they wished to eliminate gift-giving for the upcoming holidays.
Would you please run that letter again? It would be helpful if I could reread that letter and your response.
Please do not print my name. -- LONGTIME READER
DEAR LONGTIME READER: Here it is, with pleasure:
DEAR ABBY: I think it was about this time last year that you ran a suggested letter for those who wished to discontinue giving Christmas gifts to friends whom you felt sure would appreciate being removed from their gift-giving list.
I failed to cut it out, and now find that I need to let some friends know that we both probably would appreciate not having to go through the gift-giving procedure simply because we've been doing it for years. Thank you again. -- ANONYMOUS, BUT ONE OF MANY
DEAR ANONYMOUS: Be absolutely up-front with your friends. Around Thanksgiving, write them a short note saying that you are counting your blessings -- and among them are friends with whom you can be completely honest. Then suggest: "From now on, let us exchange only Christmas cards -- no gifts." I assure you they will not be offended.
DEAR ABBY: My husband recently asked me not to wear high-heeled shoes when we are together -- at church, for example.
This did not come as a total surprise to me because in the past he has persuaded me to wear flats. He is 5 foot 7 and I am 5 foot 5 1/2, so when I wear heels, we are about equal in height.
My question: What is the real issue here? Is he insecure? Or is it an "ego" thing? -- MISSOURI MRS.
DEAR MISSOURI MRS.: As I size it up, it doesn't really matter why your husband prefers that you wear flats when you are with him.
If I were in your shoes, I would accommodate my husband without making an issue of it.
HARRY TRUMAN MADE THE BUCKS STOP WHERE THEY WERE NEEDED
DEAR ABBY: Please add this to your collection of "acts of kindness."
When my mother was a young girl, her mother became critically ill with a thyroid condition. Her family had no money for the operation she needed to save her life.
The physician mentioned her problem to another patient of his who happened to be a prominent local citizen.
Shortly afterward, the doctor called my grandmother to tell her that an anonymous person had agreed to pay for the surgery she needed -- no strings attached.
The operation was successful, and my grandmother enjoyed many more happy years with her growing family.
The debt of gratitude we owed her benefactor was impossible to measure. It wasn't until many years later that his identity was disclosed.
The town was Independence, Mo., and the man was Harry S. Truman. -- SUSAN CLOW, PITTSBURG, KAN.
DEAR MS. CLOW: My memories of Harry Truman are very vivid. When he defeated Thomas Dewey for president in 1948, it was such a close race, the Chicago Tribune had already printed its headline: "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN." Your story about the former president doesn't surprise me. Truman was not only very kind, he also was very modest.
DEAR ABBY: In responding to "A.O. in Los Angeles," you said, "Photographing strangers without permission is a clear invasion of their privacy."
Do you recall a photograph of a sailor kissing a nurse in Times Square on VJ Day? How about a teen-ager bent over a fatally wounded student at Kent State? A multitude of well-known (and important) photographs were taken of strangers (not celebrities) without their permission. Because of this "invasion of privacy," we have the masterworks of Henri Cartier-Bresson, Diane Arbus, Dorothea Lange, Robert Doisneau, Sebastian Salgado and more.
As far as the law is concerned, if a person is in a public place or taking part in a public activity, he or she is a part of the environment and may be photographed.
Please set the record straight! -- KRISTINA BRENDEL, PHOTOGRAPHER AND INVADER OF PRIVACY, SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR KRISTINA: I stand corrected and thank you for setting me (and the record) straight.
DEAR ABBY: This is to "Mom in the Middle" from someone who has been there.
I am a 28-year-old mother of a 12-year-old daughter. I had my first sexual encounter when I was 16 years old. The boy (he was 17) used a condom so I thought I was safe. I was wrong. The condom failed. I don't know how it happened, but it did.
Be glad your daughter was honest with you. I was too scared to tell my mother for fear she would tell my father. (She told my father everything even when she promised me she wouldn't.) Dad was shocked when Mom gave him the news, but he accepted it with good grace.
Although my parents are now doting grandparents, we all wish it had been a few years later.
Involve your husband. He has a right to know. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: For some time now, I have been reading about parents who can't decide who should inform kids about sex. Some argue that the teachers should do it. Others respond that it's the parents' job. Is it me, or does this seem juvenile? Shouldn't both teachers and parents explain the facts of life to the kids? I thought the idea was to protect and educate the next generation.
Teen-agers complain that their teachers can't get past the biology of it all. They dwell so much on hormones that by the end of class nearly half the kids have their heads on their desks and they're snoring. Teachers don't like to talk about the touchy-feely stuff. (At least they didn't when I was in high school two years ago.) If kids want a discussion of foreplay, oral sex, masturbation or homosexuality, they usually have to rely on their friends, movies, magazines, etc.
The parents are usually no better than the teachers. They shouldn't wait for their children -- especially their teen-agers -- to start asking questions. Sex isn't something that you shut in a closet, then bring out and dust off when a kid comes of age. Sex education starts when a parent tells a child where it's OK and not OK to touch someone.
If a 16- or 17-year-old comes home and suddenly asks his or her parent's opinion about sex, it's probably already too late. But if that happens to be the case, treating the teen as if he or she has committed a mortal sin will only make the situation worse. -- JENNIFER IN NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR JENNIFER: Until parents agree on the quality of sex education their children should receive, and elect school boards who will ensure that their wishes are enforced, sex education in the schools is not likely to improve.
The problem is many parents fear that talking about sex or sexuality will encourage sex, even though studies show that informed teen-agers are less likely to become sexually active than those who are ignorant. Parents must recognize that if their children don't learn about sex from their teachers or their parents, they will learn it elsewhere, and what they learn can be incorrect, confusing or contrary to the parents' beliefs. Frank communication is an important means of influencing a child's behavior before a problem occurs.
The American Social Health Association (ASHA) offers a helpful booklet titled "Becoming an Askable Parent: How to Talk With Your Child About Sexuality," which can be ordered by sending $2 (to cover printing, postage and handling) to: ASHA, Dept. DA69, P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709.
DEAR ABBY: You were right as usual when you advised that a widow should be addressed by the name she prefers, and her wishes should prevail.
My name is Mrs. Kenneth A. Grow and always will be -- even though I am a widow. I prefer that only my close friends address me by my first name.
It frosts me when I'm in a doctor's waiting room and a 20-year-old girl calls out, "OK, Vivian, the doctor will see you now!"
How come he's "Doctor" and I'm just Vivian? It seems that good manners have gone down the drain with the baby boomers. -- MRS. KENNETH GROW, PALM SPRINGS, CALIF.
DEAR MRS. GROW: If you think the staff in your doctor's office elevates their boss to a higher level while showing a lack of respect for his older patients, I suggest you inform the doctor, who may not be aware of it.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)