What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HARRY TRUMAN MADE THE BUCKS STOP WHERE THEY WERE NEEDED
DEAR ABBY: Please add this to your collection of "acts of kindness."
When my mother was a young girl, her mother became critically ill with a thyroid condition. Her family had no money for the operation she needed to save her life.
The physician mentioned her problem to another patient of his who happened to be a prominent local citizen.
Shortly afterward, the doctor called my grandmother to tell her that an anonymous person had agreed to pay for the surgery she needed -- no strings attached.
The operation was successful, and my grandmother enjoyed many more happy years with her growing family.
The debt of gratitude we owed her benefactor was impossible to measure. It wasn't until many years later that his identity was disclosed.
The town was Independence, Mo., and the man was Harry S. Truman. -- SUSAN CLOW, PITTSBURG, KAN.
DEAR MS. CLOW: My memories of Harry Truman are very vivid. When he defeated Thomas Dewey for president in 1948, it was such a close race, the Chicago Tribune had already printed its headline: "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN." Your story about the former president doesn't surprise me. Truman was not only very kind, he also was very modest.
DEAR ABBY: In responding to "A.O. in Los Angeles," you said, "Photographing strangers without permission is a clear invasion of their privacy."
Do you recall a photograph of a sailor kissing a nurse in Times Square on VJ Day? How about a teen-ager bent over a fatally wounded student at Kent State? A multitude of well-known (and important) photographs were taken of strangers (not celebrities) without their permission. Because of this "invasion of privacy," we have the masterworks of Henri Cartier-Bresson, Diane Arbus, Dorothea Lange, Robert Doisneau, Sebastian Salgado and more.
As far as the law is concerned, if a person is in a public place or taking part in a public activity, he or she is a part of the environment and may be photographed.
Please set the record straight! -- KRISTINA BRENDEL, PHOTOGRAPHER AND INVADER OF PRIVACY, SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR KRISTINA: I stand corrected and thank you for setting me (and the record) straight.
DEAR ABBY: This is to "Mom in the Middle" from someone who has been there.
I am a 28-year-old mother of a 12-year-old daughter. I had my first sexual encounter when I was 16 years old. The boy (he was 17) used a condom so I thought I was safe. I was wrong. The condom failed. I don't know how it happened, but it did.
Be glad your daughter was honest with you. I was too scared to tell my mother for fear she would tell my father. (She told my father everything even when she promised me she wouldn't.) Dad was shocked when Mom gave him the news, but he accepted it with good grace.
Although my parents are now doting grandparents, we all wish it had been a few years later.
Involve your husband. He has a right to know. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY
DEAR ABBY: For some time now, I have been reading about parents who can't decide who should inform kids about sex. Some argue that the teachers should do it. Others respond that it's the parents' job. Is it me, or does this seem juvenile? Shouldn't both teachers and parents explain the facts of life to the kids? I thought the idea was to protect and educate the next generation.
Teen-agers complain that their teachers can't get past the biology of it all. They dwell so much on hormones that by the end of class nearly half the kids have their heads on their desks and they're snoring. Teachers don't like to talk about the touchy-feely stuff. (At least they didn't when I was in high school two years ago.) If kids want a discussion of foreplay, oral sex, masturbation or homosexuality, they usually have to rely on their friends, movies, magazines, etc.
The parents are usually no better than the teachers. They shouldn't wait for their children -- especially their teen-agers -- to start asking questions. Sex isn't something that you shut in a closet, then bring out and dust off when a kid comes of age. Sex education starts when a parent tells a child where it's OK and not OK to touch someone.
If a 16- or 17-year-old comes home and suddenly asks his or her parent's opinion about sex, it's probably already too late. But if that happens to be the case, treating the teen as if he or she has committed a mortal sin will only make the situation worse. -- JENNIFER IN NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR JENNIFER: Until parents agree on the quality of sex education their children should receive, and elect school boards who will ensure that their wishes are enforced, sex education in the schools is not likely to improve.
The problem is many parents fear that talking about sex or sexuality will encourage sex, even though studies show that informed teen-agers are less likely to become sexually active than those who are ignorant. Parents must recognize that if their children don't learn about sex from their teachers or their parents, they will learn it elsewhere, and what they learn can be incorrect, confusing or contrary to the parents' beliefs. Frank communication is an important means of influencing a child's behavior before a problem occurs.
The American Social Health Association (ASHA) offers a helpful booklet titled "Becoming an Askable Parent: How to Talk With Your Child About Sexuality," which can be ordered by sending $2 (to cover printing, postage and handling) to: ASHA, Dept. DA69, P.O. Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709.
DEAR ABBY: You were right as usual when you advised that a widow should be addressed by the name she prefers, and her wishes should prevail.
My name is Mrs. Kenneth A. Grow and always will be -- even though I am a widow. I prefer that only my close friends address me by my first name.
It frosts me when I'm in a doctor's waiting room and a 20-year-old girl calls out, "OK, Vivian, the doctor will see you now!"
How come he's "Doctor" and I'm just Vivian? It seems that good manners have gone down the drain with the baby boomers. -- MRS. KENNETH GROW, PALM SPRINGS, CALIF.
DEAR MRS. GROW: If you think the staff in your doctor's office elevates their boss to a higher level while showing a lack of respect for his older patients, I suggest you inform the doctor, who may not be aware of it.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HACKERS ON COMPUTER JOYRIDE ARE GOING TO CRASH AND BURN
(NOTE TO EDITORS: In the e-mail address for Sen. Leahy in the second letter, please replace the word "tilde" in brackets with the correct symbol and no brackets.)
DEAR ABBY: I recently heard from an old pen pal. I answered her letter and intended to write to her regularly. She had mentioned that she was a police dispatcher. I thought that was an interesting job.
In her second letter she wrote: "I ran you through our computer. California is one of the few states that will pull you up by name only, and I found you! You are 5 foot 5 and you weigh 130 pounds." She concluded: "I hope you are not mad that I ran you. Most people enjoy when I do it, and love having a copy for themselves. Here's yours."
Enclosed was a computer printout with my license number, name, address, birthdate and physical description.
I have nothing to hide, but I am offended and actually a bit shocked. On the bottom of the document was: "Departmental Actions: None; Convictions: None; Failure to Appear: None; Accidents: None."
Obviously, as an employee in a police station, this woman has access to police computers. Now I'm wondering if she "ran me" for anything else.
I am not going to answer her letter. I think she's a very nosy person with a lot of gall. That information should be only for the police when they have a reason to run it.
Please comment. -- CAME UP CLEAN IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR CAME UP CLEAN: I, too, am shocked that unauthorized personnel could access confidential personal information -- but I suppose I shouldn't be. The problem has reached great enough proportions that it has come to the attention of our legislators in Washington, D.C. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Here's a follow-up for the reader who told the appalling story of the in-laws who ran her name through the FBI computer, violating her privacy.
Privacy is the precious right of every American, and when our own government workers abuse their access to records, it's doubly wrong. The good news is that just before Congress adjourned, we passed a law making it a crime to misuse computer access to obtain private information in government files.
The new law is the National Information Infrastructure Protection Act. Both hackers who break into government computers from the outside and government employees who abuse their computer privileges from the inside to obtain personal information about Americans will now be subject to criminal penalties.
For details about these new privacy protections, your readers can visit my home page at http://www.senate.gov/[tilde]leahy/. -- PATRICK J. LEAHY, U.S. SENATOR, VERMONT
DEAR SENATOR LEAHY: Thank you for your generosity in offering your computer home-page address to my readers so they can obtain more information on the new privacy law. It's a piece of legislation whose time has come.
DEAR READERS: Today is Veterans Day -- the day we honor the men and women who have served our country in the armed forces. Originally called Armistice Day, it marked the end of World War I on Nov. 11, 1918. It was declared a legal holiday in 1938; in 1954, the name was changed to Veterans Day to honor all of America's veterans.
Our Canadian neighbors also celebrate Nov. 11, calling it Remembrance Day.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)