What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
SAYING NO TO SEX IS GOOD FOR GUYS AS WELL AS GIRLS
DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your letters on how to say no to sex, and have been cutting them out to share in a few years with my daughter. You printed some great one-liners and comebacks to use as needed. However, they were primarily addressed to women.
Also urgently needed by young men and teen-age boys is an arsenal of comebacks to counter the usual locker room banter of, "Did you score last night?" or, "You mean you've never gone to bed with a girl?"
Peer pressure for young males today is greater than ever. Please ask your readers to provide my son with some verbal ammunition to approach and finesse this pressure with a sense of humor -- and his dignity intact. -- MOTHER OF A PRE-ADOLESCENT
DEAR MOTHER: Tell your son that because a classmate claims to have sexual experience doesn't necessarily mean he has. It is not unusual for a boast to be untrue.
One way to handle the question, "Did you score last night?" might be to respond, "I didn't score last night because I didn't 'play' last night. But if I had -- I wouldn't talk about it!"
You are not the only reader who voiced concern about sexual pressure on teen-age males. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I appreciated the letters you printed from people about how to say no to sex. I work with a teen pregnancy prevention program as a certified Family Life Educator and I often assign your column to the group for discussion and ideas. Teens appreciate your "real" approaches to their issues.
Please ask for letters from guys on how to say "no." Guys are the other half of the problem when it comes to unwanted teen pregnancy, and they need support and role models in order to behave responsibly. There are advantages for both sexes in having the courage and confidence to behave responsibly when it comes to sex.
Think of the positive feedback that might be generated from a column with the head, "How Macho Guys Say 'No' to Sex." -- BETTE SCHLOESSER, R.N., B.S.N., MARSHFIELD, WIS.
DEAR MS. SCHLOESSER AND ALL OF THE READERS WHO WROTE TO ECHO SIMILAR SENTIMENTS: I would be pleased to hear what young men have to say on this important subject.
DEAR ABBY: I am disturbed that the responses to your "just say no to sex" column were exclusively from women. To me, this one-sided representation only serves to reinforce the double standard.
When are young men going to take responsibility for their own sexual behavior? Why are young women still burdened with the sole responsibility of decision-making when it comes to sex? And finally, why are we not hearing from teen-age males who are virgins?
Abby, young men need to be taught to respect women regardless of their virginal status. Young people in general need to hear that there is only one "first time." When young people feel self-worth and self-respect, they in turn respect and value others, which helps them make responsible choices.
If you have not already asked young men to share their views, I suggest you do. -- KATHY KIRK-MALTERS, M.S.W., BRAINERD, MINN.
DEAR MS. KIRK-MALTERS: The original question posed to my readers was "how do you just say no?"
I asked both sexes to respond, commenting that people of all ages (and both sexes) also struggle with this dilemma. The responses came almost exclusively from women and girls, offering advice only for girls.
Street Used as Parking Lot Drives Neighbor to Distraction
DEAR ABBY: I live in a quiet bedroom community that is mostly occupied by families with teen-agers who are starting to drive and have cars of their own. Many of these families are unable to park their cars in their garages because the garages are full of accumulated items they are storing (not cars), so the cars are now flowing onto the streets.
My problem: The space in front of my house has now become a temporary storage place for unused cars.
When I return from work at the end of the day, I often notice that there are no cars on the street except for two that are parked in front of my house. It's not unusual for the cars to be left two or three days. There is room in front of the neighbors' house to park, and I don't know why they don't park there. There have been times when a neighbor has left town for a holiday and left a car in front of my house for three weeks.
As a result, when my friends come over to visit, they end up having to park down the street.
I don't think I can wait another two or three years until these teen-agers fly the coop. What is the neighborhood etiquette for parking cars? -- FRUSTRATED HOMEOWNER
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your young neighbors have no way of knowing that they are causing you a problem unless you tell them. Be diplomatic, but let them know that leaving their cars parked in front of your home prevents your guests from having easy access to your property. If that doesn't resolve the problem, a word to their parents would be the next step.
DEAR ABBY: At the post office today, I noticed a little girl who appeared to be about 3 years old. She was running around with a ballpoint pen sticking out of her mouth. I'm old enough to know that if you take chances, the worst can happen, so I approached the child's mother.
"It's none of my business," I said, "but something tragic could happen if your daughter tripped and fell with that pen in her mouth."
The mother said, "I know, but I also know my daughter and I'm willing to take that chance." She might as well have said, "Mind your own business."
A short time later, I was in the grocery store. A young woman left her purse (which wasn't zipped) in her shopping cart and walked away for a moment. I wanted to tell her that it was a very risky thing to do, but because of the earlier incident I said nothing. Was I wrong? -- OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER
DEAR OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER: Many people appreciate a polite reminder when they are displaying a lapse in common sense. The attitude of the mother in the post office was inexcusable. But I'm sure the woman in the grocery store would have preferred that you mentioned her unguarded handbag rather than see someone running off with it. As long as you're polite and not meddlesome, I see no harm in speaking up.
DEAR ABBY: I would like to offer this suggestion to any single who would like to beat the holiday blues.
Don't deny yourself the pleasure of your own company. If, despite your best efforts, you anticipate being alone on a holiday, make plans to go out and do something you enjoy.
Being alone can offer surprising dividends. Although the company of friends is pleasant, solitude can enable you to experience things in a more focused manner. -- SAN ANTONIO SINGLE ROSE
DEAR ROSE: I agree. "Alone" and "lonely" are not synonymous. A wise individual makes the most of the moment.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOM'S EMBRACE OF YOUNGER MAN HAS WHOLE FAMILY UP IN ARMS
DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is 84 years young. She is dating a 58-year-old man. They met 18 months ago and see each other every night. On weekends he picks her up and they go to his place from Friday until late Sunday evening. This man says they are compatible.
"How can this be?" my husband and I ask. At times she doesn't even remember being with him the entire day before.
Abby, this man is younger than her four sons. Each of them has tried to talk to their mother about this relationship. She sometimes "hints" that the relationship is sexual, making comments like, "Well, at least I don't have to worry about getting pregnant."
She can't be talked to or reasoned with, because she starts screaming that her family is "jealous" and trying to "break them up."
We're at our wit's end and don't know where to turn. She has money. He has none. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts if you can offer any advice. -- READY FOR THE BOOBY HATCH, JACKSONVILLE, FLA.
DEAR READY FOR THE BOOBY HATCH: If your 84-year-old mother-in-law's memory is impaired to the point that she doesn't remember having spent the previous day with her gentleman friend, one wonders how she is handling the rest of her affairs. Is this the way she has always behaved?
If the answer is no, she may be due for an evaluation by her physician to determine if she is still capable of handling her financial affairs. If a medical examination confirms that her memory lapses are severe, the family lawyer should be consulted to ensure that she cannot be taken advantage of financially.
Once that precaution has been taken, I see no reason why your mother-in-law shouldn't continue a relationship that both she and her friend enjoy.
DEAR ABBY: I have planned my last party. Out of 45 invitations mailed out, we had three RSVPs! The invitations clearly stated a date by which we needed a response, and still only a tiny percentage complied.
My husband and I would not have been as upset if those 42 people had called with their regrets. But sitting around and wondering how many, if any, people are going to show up is nerve-wracking. I had no idea how many people to prepare for, or whether we needed to rent tables, chairs, etc.
The same thing happened with our wedding invitations. They included a response card and a self-addressed, stamped envelope (all they had to do was indicate whether they were coming or not, and put it in the mail), but many people never responded to the invitation. Some showed up without letting me know they were coming, and others failed to show when they said they would.
Has something changed? Why do people think it's OK not to respond to an invitation when specifically asked to do so? -- FED UP IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR FED UP: Nothing has changed. "R.S.V.P." stands for "repondez s'il vous plait," and translates to "please respond." To ignore an invitation, and neither accept it nor politely refuse, is inexcusable. It takes only a moment to make a call or return a written reply. However, if people haven't responded in a reasonable period of time, I see nothing wrong with calling them and asking if their decision is "yea" or "nay." As a host or hostess, you need to know how many guests to prepare for.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.