For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
HUSBAND IS USELESS MESSENGER FOR NEWS OF FAMILY ACTIVITIES
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my mother-in-law. She does not communicate directly with me about family activities. Everything goes through my husband, who often does not tell me right away. He doesn't remember details, and sometimes he forgets completely.
There have been many times I have found out about something at the last minute. Once there was a family get-together, and when I arrived I found out that during this gathering the women had planned to give a baby shower for one of my husband's sisters. I was the only woman without a gift.
There have been countless other miscommunications and mishaps because of this. I've expressed my feelings to my husband and to my mother-in-law, to no avail. She continues to notify only my husband.
I have married brothers and I always discuss social plans with their wives, because my brothers are just like my husband.
This has been going on for many years, and I find myself resenting my mother-in-law more and more. Maybe if you print this, she will see it.
What can I do to change the situation? -- MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS
DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW PROBLEMS: Since your mother-in-law ignores your requests, bypass her and develop a better level of communication with your sisters-in-law. Ask them to keep you posted so you have a chance to make appropriate preparations for upcoming events.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Living a Lie," who couldn't decide if he should tell his girlfriend that he had decided to acknowledge his homosexuality or let her believe that he had decided to behave in a straight manner so that they could get married and have a family.
As a gay divorced father who has been there, I strongly advise him not to get married just so he can have the house, kids, station wagon and the family dog. (She would end up getting them all when they divorce later on, and he would still be without what he wants.) I, too, wanted all these things and got them, but I was not happy.
The things he mentioned will not bring him happiness if he is not in a relationship that is physically and emotionally satisfying. I found true happiness only after accepting who I am and started living the life that I was ordained to live. He should be honest with her and tell her he wants to continue to have her as his best friend, but he also wants to be true to his nature and find a gay man with whom he can share his life.
Being gay does not mean that he can't have what he wants. Many gay couples have the house, station wagon and the family dog, and some even have children. Happiness can be found only by being true to yourself and those whom you love. -- GAY AND HAPPY
DEAR ABBY: We are thrilled that you printed information on our National Eye Care Project. After your column appeared, we received more than 3,500 calls to our helpline for information, and referred the majority of callers to volunteer ophthalmologists for eye examinations.
If you stop to think that for even 1 percent of these callers our program may mean the difference between sight and premature blindness, you'll share our excitement. But in fact, many more needy seniors have their vision saved.
Again, thank you so much. Your work can really make the connection between a problem and a solution for vast numbers of people. -- B. THOMAS HUTCHINSON, M.D., CHAIRMAN, NATIONAL EYE CARE PROJECT, SAN FRANCISCO
'Scent Free' Magazine Service Will Send One Free With Call
DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "No More Noxious Ads." I, too, didn't dare to bring some magazines into the house because the perfume was so strong. Then I found out my favorite subscriptions could be sent to me scent-free. I just called 1-800-374-4545 for Ladies Home Journal and 1-800-888-7788 for Good Housekeeping and asked to be put on the "scent-free" list. Other magazines probably offer the same service and most have 800-numbers. -- PAT KELCH, JOELTON, TENN.
DEAR PAT: You're right. Many readers wrote to say that having one's name added to the "scent-free" list is as easy as calling the publisher and requesting it. The toll-free number is usually included along with the publisher's address inside the magazine. Look for the masthead, the section that lists the publisher, editors and other key personnel.
DEAR ABBY: Several nights ago, I was awakened by our 7-month-old Caroline. She has had trouble sleeping lately because of teething pain. Tired and frustrated, I finally laid her in bed between my husband and me, and we all fell back to sleep.
Our mattress had become separated from the headboard, leaving a big gap, large enough for our baby's head to slip through. When we awakened, she was lying on her back with her head hanging backward, pinned between the headboard and mattress. Her muffled cries for help had been barely audible, but miraculously we were able to wake up and save her.
Caroline is our third baby, and we thought we knew all there is to know about safety with children. I would strongly advise parents never to let their infant sleep with them. -- SHAKEN IN SIMPSONVILLE, S.C.
DEAR SHAKEN: Thank you for writing to warn all parents of a freak accident that could result in the loss of their precious infant.
DEAR ABBY: May I share the following with "R.H.G. in Elk Grove, Wis."? She's the lady whose mother refused to wear a hearing aid because she thought it would make her look old.
At age 50 I had a pacemaker installed. One morning after the surgery, I told a co-worker that I was feeling old. She just smiled and said she wanted to introduce me to someone.
The next day she brought in her adorable 4-year-old nephew and said, "Cody, show her your pacemaker." The boy promptly lifted his T-shirt and there was the telltale bulge of a pacemaker in his little abdomen. Then she added, "When he reaches adolescence he will get one over his heart where yours is."
Abby, after seeing that child with a pacemaker, I suddenly didn't feel old any more.
"R.H.G." needs to introduce her mother to some young person who wears a hearing aid. -- MARY ANN SUTTER, DE SOTO, TEXAS
CONFIDENTIAL TO "BURNED UP" IN MILWAUKEE: Please reconsider. Do not call your sister-in-law on the telephone and tell her off. Instead, sit down and write her a letter telling her exactly what you think of her -- which isn't very flattering.
It's a lot easier to tear up something you wrote than to take back what you said.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
In Laws Next Door Are Driving Woman Out of House and Mind
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my mother-in-law and father-in-law sold their home and moved next door to us. My husband gave her a set of keys to our house in case she has to get in for an emergency.
Since she received the keys, my mother-in-law walks right in without being invited. She even comes into our bedroom or bathroom to find me. I have no privacy anymore. I can't even take a shower without her walking in on me.
I have talked to my husband about this, and he makes excuses for her.
We can't plan to do anything without having to change or cancel our plans because of them.
I have told them both I would like some privacy, but it does no good. My mother-in-law calls at least six to 10 times a day just to see what I'm doing.
Abby, I need some advice on how to deal with this. I just want my life back with a little privacy. -- FED UP IN WEATHERFORD, TEXAS
DEAR FED UP: Install deadbolt locks on your front and back doors, and get an answering machine or the phone company message center to handle your calls. It may not resolve your problem completely, but it's a good beginning.
DEAR ABBY: I couldn't pass up the chance to respond to "Unappreciated in Long Beach," the lady whose husband never remarked on her delicious meals. Cooking is apparently in my genes, and for 25 years I prepared three meals a day for my husband. His packed lunches were the envy of his co-workers, and a dinner was never finished without his raving about the meal. It was an everyday occurrence.
All that good food apparently ruined his brain, because he decided to up and leave. He left me the house, the car, the bills and no money. He planned to leave on Thursday. He asked if I would consider fixing his dinner, letting him sleep at home and then send him off with a good breakfast, all for $100. I told him to stuff his money and made him leave on Wednesday. The clincher came when he said, "Well, dear, one thing I can say about you is that you're a damn good cook."
Say what? How about sticking by him after a job injury that he turned into a two-year "vacation"? What about staying with him through his job terminations, the bankruptcy, his drinking, and the 14 years of child care I did to help pay the bills that he couldn't? And all he can say is that I was a good cook? Had I been smart, I would have fixed him a last supper that would have had him pulling over at every rest stop between here and wherever he decided to go -- and kept his $100, too.
Tell "Unappreciated" to keep on cooking, and if he eats it, be satisfied. Being told you're a great cook doesn't amount to a hill of beans if your other qualities go unrecognized. These days I cook for my son when and if I want to. I no longer prepare meals the way my husband liked them. I don't have meat at every sitting, I use less salt, haven't had an egg in weeks and can't remember what a package of bacon looks like.
My financial picture is becoming brighter now that I'm not paying for his keep. I will soon look better and be healthier. He, in the meantime, will be in an early grave because of his 3-pack-a-day habit and his alcoholism. Am I happy? You can call me ... ECSTATIC IN GRESHAM, ORE.
DEAR ECSTATIC IN GRESHAM, ORE: Your letter gave me food for thought.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)