To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FOOTBALL WIDOW FEARS MARRIAGE IS HEADED FOR OPPOSITE END ZONE
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a football fanatic. He watches football on Monday nights, Thursday nights and all day Sundays. And it's more than just watching the games. He belongs to two football leagues, one of which he runs.
Leagues mean a draft party, weekly mailings, daily phone calls, faxes and computer entry time. Pepper that with a tri-monthly night out with the boys and miscellaneous sports events, and there is very little time left for us!
We are newlyweds, and this is not what I expected from a husband. He doesn't see this as a problem, and has made it clear that things will not change. He believes that it is I who makes this a problem.
Abby, I don't even want to bring it up (again) because undoubtedly it will mean a fight. I do not expect him to give up football, but I would like him to at least compromise. Am I being unreasonable?
It appears to me that my options are:
1. Let him do his thing and get busy with my own. (I feel like I'm single again.)
2. Complain about it, which is no fun for either of us.
3. Leave him.
What do you think? -- MATELESS IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR MATELESS: If football is taking the lion's share of your husband's time to the point where you feel you're single again, and he refuses to compromise, perhaps immaturity is the problem. If that's the case, and both of you are willing to work at it -- marriage counseling is in order.
If, however, your husband is having trouble deciding which is more important -- you or the football league -- then forgive me an old Abby-ism: Ask yourself, "Would I be better off with him, or without him?" This is not a cop-out. It's the solution to a problem that only you can solve.
DEAR ABBY: I am a dental hygienist with a question that continues to plague me. Why don't patients brush their teeth before they go to the dentist?
I routinely ask patients when they arrive if they need to brush, and often receive replies such as, "That's what I pay you for," or, "I only ate a little something since I brushed -- it won't bother you."
This attitude constantly amazes me because I consider brushing one's teeth prior to a dental appointment the same as taking a bath before seeing one's doctor for a physical.
Abby, this is not unusual. I frequently encounter this situation, and am perplexed as to why patients don't brush. -- TICKED OFF IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR TICKED OFF: They practice poor oral hygiene because they are in a hurry, or they don't enjoy brushing their teeth. It doesn't take a leap of logic to conclude that patients who don't bother to brush their teeth before visiting the dentist's office probably lapse in cleaning their teeth between appointments, too. When you're faced with this problem, I see no reason why you shouldn't ask offenders to please rinse their mouths before you begin.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOVES PEOPLE" IN LOUISVILLE: Mae West once said, "I only like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign." You're in good company!
DAD'S POCKETS ARE INSIDE-OUT AFTER YEARS OF SUBSIDIZING SON
DEAR ABBY: My son (I'll call him Earl) was married in Palm Beach to a girl he has lived with for some time. Her family is quite wealthy. The wedding was elaborate and must have cost more than $75,000. Earl's mother, my ex-wife who is also quite wealthy, and I hosted the rehearsal dinner for 80 guests and shared the nearly $4,000 in expenses. My present wife, our daughter who is a junior in college on scholarship and full financial aid, and I flew in from our home in Los Angeles for the ceremony. We sacrificed to attend and give the newlyweds a cash wedding gift. Our total cost for the occasion was more than $5,000.
My home and business were destroyed in the earthquake in 1994 and my wife and I have been struggling ever since.
My problem: Earl is a talented rock musician. His dream is to have a career in music, and he has asked me to give him money for expensive equipment for a studio he intends to build in his home. His 30th birthday is in late November.
I don't know how to handle this. I want to help him. Don't tell me to co-sign with him for a loan because when I did that before, I ended up paying the whole amount. Part of me says, why didn't they spend our wedding gift for the studio or opt for a smaller wedding and use some of that money for their future?
As a divorced father, all I was ever asked to provide for my son was money, and this seems to be the ongoing scenario. What should I do? -- EMBARRASSED IN L.A.
DEAR EMBARRASSED: If you are considering going into debt to come through with the birthday gift your son is soliciting, I urge you to reconsider.
You are overdue for a loving but frank talk with Earl about the financial facts of life. At 30, he's old enough to arrange other financing to advance his career.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the 19-year-old bride-to-be who resented being asked her age: The insensitive comments made to her by others had nothing to do with how old she looked. They were meant to suggest that she was making a big mistake because she was too young to be contemplating marriage. While statistics support the increased fragility of early marriages, those insensitive people should have trusted that "Irritated" and her fiancé had discussed the pros and cons and made a mutual decision to marry.
If some people believe that 19- and 20-year-olds are too young to take this important step, my advice to them is to keep their doubts to themselves, and wish the engaged couple the best of luck.
In the meantime, "Irritated" could just smile and respond, "Yes, we are young, but that means we'll have more happy years together." -- ROBIN CAUSEBECK, ROCKFORD, ILL.
DEAR READERS: I would like to pass along a lesson in life that is well worth remembering:
An old philosophical fable tells us there once lived a lion who was so self-confident and ferocious that he devoured a bull. Having succeeded in this incredible feat gave him such confidence that he roared.
A hunter heard the lion's roar and promptly shot him. The moral of that fable is abundantly clear: "If you are full of bull -- keep your mouth shut."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandfather by Any Name Is a Treasure to Children
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a very nice gentleman named "Brad" for three years. This is a second marriage for both of us. He is kind and thoughtful and enjoys playing with my grandchildren, who love him very much. However, he has one quirk: He will not allow the children to call him "Grandpa."
He has instructed them to call him "Brad." He says the reason is that the grandchildren are not his grandchildren -- they are mine. He says when his children have children, they will be his grandchildren.
Abby, this hurts me very much. I never knew my grandparents. As a child, I envied my friends who had grandparents to visit. I was so happy when I married someone who would be a good grandfather. I am shocked at his attitude. I don't want us to be a family of "his" and "hers." I want it to be ours. When he has grandchildren, I'd be delighted to have them call me "Grandma," "Nana" or whatever.
Why does he feel this way? I'm hurt when I hear my adorable grandson call him "Brad." In the case of my other grandchildren, he is the only grandfather they will ever have, so they'll never have anyone to call Grandpa.
Is there anything I can do? I never say anything about it, but I so wish my grandchildren could have the grandfather I never had. -- DESPERATELY SEEKING GRANDPA
DEAR DESPERATELY SEEKING GRANDPA: Your husband probably thinks that being called "Grandpa" is an old man's label -- which he is not ready to accept.
Although you may not be pleased that he prefers that the grandchildren call him "Brad," it is his preference. Accept it and don't give him a hard time. Brad's relationship with the children is what counts, not the title.
DEAR ABBY: After 40 years of a happy marriage and seven children, I became a widower. I have always been close to the children.
Two years after my wife died I met "Bernice," a lovely widow. We were married a year later, and my children were happy for us.
Bernice and I travel extensively. We love each other and life is good. We have lived in Florida for the last five years. We both feel that Florida is our home, and we wish to remain here for eternity. With that in mind, we purchased adjoining funeral plots in a nearby cemetery.
My children are very upset about this and feel that I have slighted their mother. I understand their feelings, but what does one do? My present wife has cared for me, and she will until my demise, or hers. Our lives together are meaningful. I don't want my children to think that I didn't love their mother. I did, but I have a new life now. Am I wrong? -- A FLORIDIAN
DEAR FLORIDIAN: No. The decision about where your final resting place will be should be up to you and your present wife. Since you wish to be buried next to each other in Florida, that is what you should do. Your children are adults and should respect your decision.
For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)