What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOM FEARS TEEN'S BOMBSHELL WILL CAUSE HER DAD TO EXPLODE
DEAR ABBY: My 16-year-old daughter, "Bethany," just confided that she has been sexually active for the past month. This is her first experience, and she says they are practicing safe sex. I have not yet told her father, although he suspects she might be.
Should I tell him or keep my mouth shut?
I'm afraid of what his reaction will be. There has been a lot of tension between my husband and Bethany for the past couple of years, and I don't want to add to it.
I have considered telling him when she is not at home so he'll have time to cool down before he confronts her, but I keep losing my nerve. The fact that he doesn't like her boyfriend doesn't help. If I keep quiet, perhaps he will not find out.
I will wait for your answer. Please advise. -- MOM IN THE MIDDLE
DEAR MOM: Better your husband hears the news from you now than possibly in a crisis. Bethany should be told that you plan to discuss this with her father because she's still a minor, and as a parent, he has the right to know. Tell your husband you expect his cooperation in discussing this with Bethany without confrontation or retaliation.
Your daughter deserves an honest relationship with both of you as she progresses through her teens.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend got married two years ago. I was her maid of honor. As a wedding gift, I decided to give them two of the very expensive wineglasses for which they were registered. When I went to buy them, I was told the glasses were back-ordered, and it would be 14 weeks before my friends would receive their gift.
The clerk gave me a gift card on which was written the pattern and quantity of the wineglasses. Due to the festivities that preceded the wedding, I kept forgetting to call the store to place my order. However, I did put the card in a box and wrapped it, so my friends would know they were getting the wineglasses.
Abby, I still haven't placed the order. A few months after the wedding, my friend asked me about them, and I told her it would take several more weeks. Since then, neither of us has mentioned it.
Abby, at the time of the wedding, my husband and I could afford the glasses, but now the price has gone up. I'm a full-time homemaker raising our son, and money is tight.
This is very embarrassing. What should I do to save face? Come forward and confess my negligence, or forget about it? -- WEDDING GIFT WOES
DEAR WOES: Confess. Since you haven't forgotten about the gift you promised, your friend probably hasn't either. If she's a good friend, she will understand. When she celebrates her fifth wedding anniversary, present her with the glasses. I suggest you start saving now.
DEAR ABBY: You have printed various suggestions about how to handle nosy questions. Tell people they can use my brother's line. If anyone asks him a presumptuous question, he replies, "Why? Are you writing a book?"
If the person is rash enough to answer "yes," he adds, "Well, make it a mystery!" -- FRANK WAGNER, CINCINNATI
DEAR ABBY: My grandfather died today. He was outgoing and loving, a pillar of the church and did much for our community. Everyone respected him, but they were unaware of a dark family secret. Until I was in my late 20s, no one in our family would talk about the fact that Grandpa was a pedophile (child molester). He molested members of our family -- myself included -- and God knows how many others.
There were excuses why no one in the family would discuss it. Denial was a means of coping, and some of us rationalized, "That was a long time ago; why bring up the past?" Grandpa eventually found himself facing charges of molesting a young neighbor girl. The outcome? He ran from the law to another state where he lived the rest of his life. Our legal system lacks the funds to pursue a pedophile in another state.
The one good thing that resulted from Grandpa being "officially" charged was that our family finally started talking about it. In my gut, I always knew there was something wrong, but I had buried the past so completely that it took several years before I was able to admit it -- even to myself.
There are mothers who know that their husbands are molesting their children. I hope my experience causes others to come out with the truth. Were you molested by a parent you now allow to spend time with your children? You alone have the power to protect them. The problem doesn't just go away.
The first step is to TELL someone. Remember the shame belongs only to the pedophiles, not the victims they violate.
Adults must teach children to protect themselves, and it's never too late to start. You can't remain silent and protect your kids. You must make a choice. -- LIVING IN GOD'S GLORY AND GRACE
DEAR LIVING: Two of the most damaging results of sexual abuse are the shame and isolation felt by the victims. Healing cannot begin until the facts are brought out in the open and discussed among all the parties involved.
The National Child Abuse Hotline, 1-800-422-4453, provides information and referral for victims and family members. Telephone crisis counseling is also offered. Your local mental health society can recommend therapists specializing in counseling for those who were molested as children and still harbor the bitter memories.
Counseling helps victims work through their painful memories so they can finally be put to rest.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Mike in Texas," who wanted to know how to dispose of his Bible:
There are book repair shops that rebind and re-cover books and Bibles. My parents' rebound Bible is one of my most treasured possessions.
Most Bibles contain blank pages to record births, baptisms, marriages and deaths. If civil records are lost or destroyed, the Bible is accepted as proof in most states.
When my sister became eligible for Social Security, I took my parents' Bible to the records department in the courthouse. The clerk testified to the authenticity of the old Bible, and my sister's claim was approved.
Also, when tracing our roots, a family Bible can be invaluable. -- MONICA KOEPPL EHRLICHMAN, TACOMA, WASH.
WIFE TO HUSBAND OVER DINNER: "We had a tough day at the office. The computer broke down and everybody had to learn to think all over again."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Petunia the Pig's Reputation Blossoms From Bad to Worse
DEAR ABBY: My neighbors have a potbellied pig named Petunia. The pig sleeps in their house at night, but early in the morning she is let out to roam freely and has taken to coming to our house to dig holes in the garden and flowerbeds. After the first incident, the neighbors told me to just "spank" Petunia and send her home.
She recently decided to demolish my strawberry bed and melon patch. I had put many weeks of backbreaking work into them, and Petunia not only destroyed the fruit, she chewed the roots as well. When I called the neighbors to issue a third warning, I was told they were sorry and they would pay for the damage. Then they offered to give Petunia to me.
We live three miles outside the nearest town and we're not governed by animal-control laws. (The animal-control people know Petunia because she often crosses the highway and makes it into town to forage.) Their advice was to shoot the pig.
As an animal lover, I find this advice unacceptable. I have two dogs that I keep in a fenced yard and a kennel. They are not allowed to run unsupervised to tear up other people's property.
These neighbors claim they "want" to put up a fence, but can't afford to right now because they just purchased a new Cadillac. Four other neighbors in the path of destruction have also complained. How can I get through to them that Petunia is a pest before someone flies off the handle and starts taking potshots at the pig? -- PEEVED AT PETUNIA IN ELGIN, OKLA.
DEAR PEEVED: Since Petunia continues to roam unrestricted and her owners have told you they'd be willing to give her away, contact the nearest animal rescue group and ask if they can find a home for an adorable potbellied pig who needs love, attention and supervision. If the answer is yes, the next time Petunia wanders, a committee of neighbors should visit the owners and tell them a suitable home has been found for their problem pet. It shouldn't take a crystal ball to see that if she remains where she is, Petunia's future could be pork roast.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old female hairdresser with a clientele of mostly young and middle-aged women. I like my job very much, but I'm just a hairdresser -- not a psychiatrist. You wouldn't believe the things people tell me. I wish they would leave their personal problems at home. At the end of the day, I'm so stressed out from listening to other people's problems I am a nervous wreck.
How can I get it across to them without hurting their feelings or losing their business that I really don't want to hear about their personal lives? -- STRESSED-OUT HAIRDRESSER
DEAR STRESSED-OUT: Women have confided in their hairdressers since the dawn of history. Most of them are venting, not seeking anything more than a sympathetic ear. Telling a client you don't want to hear about their personal lives could be interpreted as rude and uncaring. And a hairdresser who is perceived as rude and uncaring is a hairdresser with an empty chair.
A diplomatic approach might be to subtly shift the subject to something else if possible -- or even to tune out. Do you remember the old slogan, "Only Your Hairdresser Knows for Sure?" Well, here's another: "A successful hairdresser does a lot of listening but very little talking."
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)