For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Small Oversight Causes Big Hardship for Struggling Mom
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Martha," works as a cleaning lady for a company that sends crews of women into homes to clean. One of the cleaning women forgot to put a remote control back on a table after dusting. The homeowner called the cleaning company, claiming the remote control was missing. The company made the crew return to the house (after work) where they found the remote lying in full view on the floor next to the table. It seems the homeowner wanted to teach the cleaning women a lesson!
Mrs. Homeowner, Martha didn't get paid for the extra hour and a half it took to get to your house and back. Her daughter was at home alone. Martha received a speeding ticket, which of course she must pay. In her frustration, she slammed the door of the company car, was reported and lost driving privileges, which paid a little extra.
Martha is in a desperate situation. She finally found the courage to leave her abusive husband and is working this crummy job to support herself and her daughter and barely makes ends meet. This pushes her further down.
The moral of this true story: Please, people, try to be more tolerant. Your actions can have profound effects on the lives of others. -- M.C. IN ROBINSON, ILL.
DEAR M.C.: Your friend's frustration is understandable -- in any business there are always a few "difficult" clients.
Perhaps it's time Martha sought a job with another cleaning company or employment in another field. Often, women thrust into the job market must start from scratch to develop skills that make them employable. (That's why I urge women to wait to marry until they have the kind of education that guarantees they can support themselves if they have to.)
Many branches of the YWCA offer a program called "Employee Preparation Services," which teaches women how to fill out job applications, set up resumes, practice job interviews, and provides traditional (clerical) as well as non-traditional job training (e.g. construction).
Although not all branches offer this program, by calling a YWCA in her area, your friend can be referred to a branch that does. Or, she can call the national toll-free information line: 1-800-YWCA-US1 (1-800-992-2871). The YWCA also offers child care, shelter and counseling.
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, you pointed out that hitting a child teaches him that "might makes right."
It also teaches him that violence is the answer to all conflicts.
I recall the words of the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: "Man was born into barbarism when killing his fellow man was a normal condition of existence. He became endowed with a conscience. And he has now reached the day when violence toward another human being must become as abhorrent as eating another's flesh." -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, MEMPHIS, TENN.
DEAR ABBY: About divorces: There's an old Irish saying, "It's better to live with the devil you know, than the devil you don't know." Good philosophy, eh? -- OLD PHILOSOPHER
DEAR PHILOSOPHER: Why live with any devil? Better to live alone if your only alternative is living with a devil.
Daughter Is Better Off Knowing That Father Is Sometime Dad
DEAR ABBY: I am the confused grandmother of a darling 7-year-old granddaughter I'll call Mary. Her father never married my daughter, but there is no question about who Mary's father is because she is the very image of him.
He has never paid child support because he refused to acknowledge paternity, but he drops off a birthday gift and another gift around Christmastime. Mary frequently wants to call him and constantly asks her mother and me why she can't see her daddy more often. He gave her his telephone number once when he was in a good mood and told her she could call him, but he rarely returns her telephone calls.
Abby, what can her mother and I tell this sweet child about her father without hurting her feelings? I need some answers to pass along to her mother. -- ILLINOIS GRANNY
DEAR GRANNY: Stick to the truth and don't try to spare Mary's feelings by making up excuses for her father's obvious lack of interest in her. While it may be painful for her, she's far better off dealing with reality than a well-intentioned fabrication.
DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my only sister. I'll call her Anne. She left a husband, a son and a daughter I'll call Karen. Karen is 22.
Knowing she was dying, Anne asked me to do her a favor. Of course I agreed; how could I refuse? She wanted more than anything else to live to see Karen walk down the aisle. Karen's wedding date is March 6. We discussed the wedding at length, and I offered to buy a card for my sister to present to her daughter. I wrote in it exactly what Anne dictated and promised to give it to Karen on her wedding day if Anne wasn't able to do it herself.
Anne died two weeks ago.
I know my sister meant well and had only Karen's best interests in mind when she exacted this promise from me. But I don't want to make Karen sad on her wedding day. She and her mother had planned every detail together. On the other hand, the card and its message might mean the world to her. Abby, what would you do? -- TORN IN NEW ORLEANS
DEAR TORN: I would give the card to Karen a few days before the wedding. That way she will walk down the aisle with her mother's message without the trauma of reading it on a day already fraught with emotion.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother passed away two weeks ago at the age of 100 plus 9 months. His father is still living at the age of 101 plus 5 months.
We observed their 75th wedding anniversary last September. We know of other couples who have been married as long as they have, but we don't find another couple who both attained the age of 100 years old.
Can you -- or your readers -- tell us how rare this is?
My husband thinks you make up these letters, so if he sees this in print, it may make a believer out of him. -- POLLY SCHROCK, CONGERVILLE, ILL.
DEAR POLLY: Your in-laws' longevity is unusual, but not unheard of. People are living longer, thanks to the wonders of medical science and knowledge about the benefits of sound nutrition and regular exercise.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Multiple Medications Can Be Too Much of a Good Thing
DEAR ABBY: Back in 1991, you ran an important letter suggesting that senior citizens "brown-bag" all their medications and have them reviewed by their physician or pharmacist. Please run it again. It is more important today then ever amidst all the confusion concerning medications. I've enclosed a copy as it appeared in the Syracuse Post-Standard in New York. -- CONCERNED LONGTIME READER
DEAR LONGTIME READER: I agree. It deserves to be repeated:
DEAR ABBY: With the increasing concern about the problems of the aging -- confusion, loss of memory, a tendency to fall, incontinence, etc. -- geriatric experts are finding substantial evidence that the elderly take so many prescription drugs that their bodies are becoming vulnerable to the side effects.
Peter Lamy, assistant dean of geriatrics at the University of Maryland School of Pharmacy, says that drug-induced illness is sometimes written off and attributed to the "aging process," which not only reduces the quality of lives, but can lead to senior citizens being prematurely sent to nursing homes.
According to Dr. Jerry Avon, professor of social medicine at Harvard Medical School: "The efficiency of the kidney and liver can decline with age, hampering their ability to excrete drugs, which in turn can lead to a drug buildup in the body." He also said that a drug dosage that was safe at age 50 can be dangerous at age 70. Many organs of the body, from the heart to the bladder to the brain, can undergo a change in their sensitivity to medication.
Abby, please suggest that older persons, or their caregivers, "brown-bag" all of their prescription and over-the-counter medications, and take them to their physician or pharmacist for analysis of their cumulative effect.
You would be doing your readers a great service. -- MILLIE HAWTHORN, HARRISBURG, PA.
DEAR MS. HAWTHORN: Thank you for some valuable suggestions that could improve the quality of life -- and possibly extend it. Dr. Robert N. Butler, renowned gerontologist and chairman of the department of geriatrics at Mount Sinai Medical Center in New York, has suggested that older persons fill all of their prescriptions at one pharmacy, so there will be a complete record of their medications.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a shelter for the homeless. People who come here need many things. Sometimes they own little more than the clothes on their backs.
We rely on people who are more fortunate to donate these items. While we appreciate all donations, some of the things we receive are in such bad shape they cannot be used. I ask only that people who give things to charities think about what they give. Quantity is not as important as quality.
A neat, fresh-looking outfit can boost the confidence of a child who is going off to a new school after facing a family trauma. No one wants to rummage through a pile of ragged clothes trying to find something presentable to wear. The poor cannot use old, stained clothes that need repairs. They often lack the means to remove spots or make the repairs.
Used items that are in good condition can make a big difference to those who have little and need so much. Abby, please encourage your readers to give the things that they would be happy to receive were their situations reversed. -- GAILYN RYAN, ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR GAILYN: Your suggestions are sensible and compassionate. Attractive, usable items in good repair would certainly boost the morale of those who suffer the trauma of poverty. Items of clothing that don't pass muster should be recycled in another manner.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)