Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Wants to Know Why She Still Takes Man's Abuse
DEAR ABBY: I am terribly confused and at my wit's end. I left my husband five years ago for a younger man who showed me wonderful attention and admiration. Over the last few years, this relationship has turned ugly. There has been some physical abuse and a lot of verbal abuse. Of course, he doesn't think words can be abusive. Last night was the last straw. He said some things to me that were very cruel, and now I know that we should no longer be together.
So why am I having such a difficult time breaking it off with him? I am a successful, intelligent professional woman. Why do I give in to him over and over again and take him back after he humiliates me? He tells me I deserve it. It makes me so angry at him, and myself.
What makes someone with intelligence and common sense stay in such an awful relationship?
Abby, please help me to understand, so I can break this abusive cycle. I will be anxiously awaiting your reply. -- DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF, LA MESA, CALIF.
DEAR DISGUSTED: I am not qualified to psychoanalyze you, but my best guess is that you are angry with yourself for having left your husband for a younger man who conned you into believing he was some kind of prize.
No woman deserves to be humiliated and abused verbally or physically. I advise you to say goodbye to this poor excuse for a man -- and the sooner the better.
There are worse things than being alone, and you are now experiencing them. Write again in three months. And if you weaken -- reread this letter.
DEAR ABBY: Though they did not ask, I am writing this on behalf of all "steps" and "in-laws" in hopes of enlightening our society.
When I was a teen-ager, my father died of a massive heart attack. Four years later, my mother married a wonderful man whom I loved dearly. Eighteen years later, we buried him after he lost his struggle with cancer.
Over the past month, I have been amazed at the insensitivity of people. There seems to be a common misconception that because a mother, father or child is a "step," the significance of that relationship is diluted.
Let me assure you that neither blood ties nor time determines the depth and strength of a relationship. The case of Susan Smith comes to mind. Those were her flesh-and-blood children whose seat belts she strapped before pushing that car into the lake!
One of the coldest, albeit most innocent, shocks I got was when a co-worker asked me after I returned from the funeral of my second father, "Was he your real father or just your stepfather?" Just? That made him sound positively throwaway!
My mother received a staggering outpouring of love and caring. She lost a husband, and I lost a father -- not a stepfather. I hope this letter will cause people to think with their hearts and not their dictionaries.
I am signing my name, but if you use this, I respectfully request anonymity. Thank you. -- GRIEVING DAUGHTER
DEAR GRIEVING: Thank YOU for a heartfelt message. Please accept my condolences.
Face New Year With Resolve and Make Each Day a Victory
DEAR READERS: My New Year's column has become an annual tradition. These New Year's resolutions are based on the original credo of Al-Anon. I am using its theme with some variations of my own:
Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not set far-reaching goals to try to overcome all my problems at once. I know I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I thought I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today, I will be happy. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." He was right. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. I will chase them out of my mind and replace them with happy thoughts.
Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those that I cannot.
Just for today, I will improve my mind. I will not be a mental loafer. I will force myself to read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll make an honest effort to quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat nothing I know to be fattening. And I will force myself to exercise -- even if it's only walking around the block or using the stairs instead of the elevator.
Just for today, I'll do something I've been putting off for a long time. I'll finally write that letter, make that phone call, clean that closet or straighten out those dresser drawers.
Just for today, before I speak I will ask myself, "Is it true? Is it kind?" and, if the answer to either of those questions is negative, I won't say it.
Just for today, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk softly, act courteously, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll not try to improve anybody except myself.
We know so much more about nutrition and how exercise and sensible living can extend life and make it more enjoyable, so just for today, I'll take good care of my body so I can celebrate many more happy new years.
Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it, thereby saving myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take the responsibility for my own actions.
To one and all: a happy, healthy New Year! -- LOVE, ABBY
P.S. God bless our men and women in uniform in every corner of the world where our flag is flying. And let us not forget those patriotic Americans who are serving their country in the Peace Corps, as well as those who have served and are now in veterans hospitals and nursing homes.
THOUGHT FOR THE NEW YEAR: "Anticipate charity by preventing poverty; assist the reduced fellowman, either by a considerable gift, or a sum of money, or by teaching him a trade, or by putting him in the way of business, so that he may earn an honest livelihood, and not be forced to the dreadful alternative of holding out his hand for charity.
"This is the highest step and the summit of charity's golden ladder." -- MAIMONIDES
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Small Successes Bring Major Victories Well Within Reach
DEAR READERS: My New Year's column has become an annual tradition since 1973. These New Year's resolutions are based on the original credo of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have taken the liberty of using that theme with some variations of my own:
Just for today I will live through this day only, and not set far-reaching goals to try to overcome all my problems at once. I know I can do something for 24 hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today I will be happy. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." He was right. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. I will chase them out of my mind and replace them with happy thoughts.
Just for today I will adjust myself to what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those things I cannot correct.
Just for today I will improve my mind. I will not be a mental loafer. I will force myself to read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll make an honest effort to quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat nothing I know to be fattening. And I will force myself to exercise -- even if it's only walking around the block or using the stairs instead of the elevator.
Just for today I'll do something I've been putting off for a long time. I'll finally write that letter, make that phone call, clean that closet or straighten out those dresser drawers.
Just for today, before I speak I will ask myself, "Is it true? Is it kind?" and if the answer to either of those questions is negative, I won't say it.
Just for today I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, talk softly, act courteously and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today I'll not improve anybody except myself.
Just for today I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it, thereby saving myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today I will gather the courage to do what is right and take the responsibility for my own actions.
To one and all: Have a happy, healthy new year. And to ensure a happy new year for everyone else, if you're driving, don't drink, and if you're drinking, don't drive. Have a designated driver or take a cab. -- LOVE, ABBY
P.S. God bless our men and women in uniform in every corner of the world where our flag is flying. And let us not forget those patriotic Americans who are serving their country in the Peace Corps, as well as those who have served and are now in veterans' hospitals and nursing homes.
Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)