For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
FATHER AND DAUGHTER STAY CLOSE DESPITE DISTANCE BETWEEN THEM
DEAR ABBY: You recently published a letter praising divorced fathers who sent child support checks faithfully. Then I saw a letter in your column saying that those fathers were merely doing their legal duty.
Well, Abby, what about divorced fathers who do everything possible to stay in their child's life?
I am 13 years old, and my parents have been divorced for 10 years. Dad still lives in Chicago, but he calls me every single Saturday morning just to talk. He has done this as far back as I can remember.
He never forgets cards for all the holidays, and in between, he writes friendly letters. I visit him almost every holiday and in the summer, too.
He never says anything mean about Mom.
One letter in your column seemed to say that the only thing divorced fathers do is fill out the check every month. That simply is not true. -- JANET REECE IN CINCINNATI
DEAR JANET: Here's a round of applause for all those fathers who keep a loving relationship with their children. And another round of applause for a mature and gracious 13-year-old who is undoubtedly a credit to both her parents.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who calls me occasionally, and I have found out that every time we talk, her husband listens in on the conversation. She doesn't think there is anything wrong with this, but I think it is rude and inconsiderate. When I sense that he is on the phone, I will usually say something like, "Has Tom hung up, or is he still on the line?"
For that reason, I have stopped calling her unless it is something very important. Perhaps I am being overly sensitive, but if I wanted to talk to the husband, I would ask for him. What do you think of grown people who act this way?
We have read your column for many years and I feel that if you respond in the paper, they would certainly read it. Sometimes it is the little things that ruin a wonderful friendship. -- OVERHEARD AND HATING IT
DEAR OVERHEARD: Grown people who listen in on the conversations of others are childish, nosy and rude. Please write again and let me know if Tom and his wife recognize themselves.
DEAR ABBY: I was wondering what to say to solicitors when they come to the door. My mom is usually busy doing something and my father works upstairs at home.
I'm 11 years old, so I don't want to seem disrespectful by saying, "We're not interested" and slamming the door in their faces. What should I do? -- WONDERING GIRL IN PASADENA
DEAR WONDERING: Never open the door to a stranger. It is permissible to ask the solicitor, through a closed door, to identify him or herself. If your parents have no interest in the product, say, "No thank you." The solicitor will get the message.
Children should be told that under no circumstances should they tell a stranger, "My mother isn't home."
DEAR ABBY: A Mrs. Bierstein wrote about her wonderful life in a retirement center, and you responded that in several European countries, similar facilities were available to most seniors at little or no cost. That is true, and it would be wonderful if we could have them too, but please tell the other side of the story.
In such countries, average people pay about half their income in taxes, some medical treatments are denied due to cost, medical advancements seldom keep pace with ours, and their governments are drowning in seas of red ink -- even more than our own government.
Simply put, "There isn't any free lunch!" Sign me ... TEXAS TAXPAYER
Common Heritage of Christians and Jews Is Cause for Kinship
DEAR ABBY: The Long Island woman who was devastated because her Jewish daughter indicated she may become Catholic should take comfort that Catholics are free to do whatever Jesus did. Jesus of Nazareth was a Jew who regularly went to synagogue and often led the services. He strictly observed the commandments and celebrated all the Jewish holidays. Any Catholic may go to temple, join the Hanukkah festivities, host or attend a Seder, etc.
In so doing, the Catholic is not "being Jewish." Catholics have not traditionally celebrated the Jewish holidays because for centuries Jews and Catholics saw one another as adversaries.
Today Jews and Catholics realize that they share the heritage of the Hebrew Scriptures and that they can best resist the rapid disappearance of all religion from public life by working in harmony. It is Catholic to celebrate the miracle of the temple lamp, and much more so to celebrate the time when Jews were saved by the body and blood of a lamb, a foreshadow of the Lamb whose body and blood redeemed us all.
When this woman's granddaughter asks her mother, "Why are we going to Grandma's for Passover if we're not Jewish?" the answer should be: "God calls us to honor our father and our mother; they celebrate Passover and we honor them by being with them on important occasions. Also, because we are celebrating the Passover as Jesus did each year of his incarnate life. Finally, because Jesus instituted the sacrament of Holy Communion at his last Passover Seder." -- MARTY BARRACK, BURKE, VA.
DEAR MARTY: Thank you for an excellent letter. I was touched by the number of readers who reached out to help "Devastated in Long Island" come to terms with her daughter's decision. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to the Jewish mother who was devastated by the prospect of her daughter's conversion to Christianity, and therefore her granddaughter's religious upbringing. I'm a Christian and would love to be able to say I'm Jewish -- but I can't.
Jewish history is Christian history. That's what the Old Testament is. I feel a kinship with Jews because we worship the same God and study the same people: David, Isaiah, Moses, Noah, Daniel, etc. This is my heritage as well.
I would love to celebrate the Jewish holidays because I believe they are important. We should remember that God spared the firstborn of Israel when the Angel of Death passed over the homes whose doors were marked with the blood of the lamb.
This young granddaughter will be blessed to have the opportunity to learn her full religious heritage. To a Christian, Jesus is the Christ who fulfills all Jewish prophecy.
Where does that leave the grandparents and uncles who are committed to Judaism? Honored and loved, and just as much a part of her life as the other side of the family. -- ENCOURAGED AND DELIGHTED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR ABBY: I would like to address "Devastated in Long Island." I could have once called myself "Devastated in Boston" when my oldest son decided to marry a Jewish girl and convert to Judaism after being brought up in our very religious Catholic home. (Indeed, he had been an altar boy and never left our house in the morning without saying his morning offering and dedicating his entire day to God.)
However, my husband and I decided that our son was a grown man, entitled to worship God in whatever manner he pleased. My daughter-in-law is a wonderful wife, mother and daughter, devoted to her family. She and my son are compatible in almost every way.
Their children are being brought up in the Jewish religion. I am delighted my grandchildren are receiving religious instruction, because Christianity is based on Jewish law and religious concepts. So many little ones are not as fortunate.
To "Devastated in Long Island," I say: Let go and let God. You will never regret it. -- HAPPY MOM WITH HAPPY FAMILY IN MASSACHUSETTS
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Single Mom Who Counts Her Blessings Comes Out on Top
DEAR ABBY: In response to the single mother who is tired of "just getting by":
I can certainly empathize with her. I am 46 and have an 8-year-old child, and I live from paycheck to paycheck because I don't receive child support either. When I get depressed, I play the "count your blessings" game, and it changes my perspective.
That single mother who is just getting by is able to provide a comfortable roof over her daughter's head, good food and nice clothes. She wants to provide "better things" in life, and she's angry because she can't afford dance lessons for her daughter. She should realize that there are at least a million mothers on our planet who would gladly trade places with her.
I would encourage her to be creative -- teach the daughter herself. She can turn on the radio and have some of that fun she thinks only money can buy. Where there's a will, there's a way. -- FRANCINE YACOUB IN DALLAS
DEAR FRANCINE: You and many others pointed out that with a little creativity and help from others, this single mother can provide quality entertainment for her daughter. Many readers suggested she consider church activities, scholarships from the YWCA, picnics in the park, and visits to the public library to check out books and videos.
Among the other excellent suggestions: Share housing with another single mother or senior citizen, barter for some of the things she needs (perhaps she could clean house for the dance teacher), trade baby sitting with another mother, or baby-sit to earn extra money.
DEAR ABBY: A few days before Christmas, my family received a Christmas card from an aunt. Enclosed in the same envelope were two birthday cards: one for my brother and one for me. We both have December birthdays. Mine is Dec. 23 and his is on the 28th.
My mother thought this was incredibly rude and refuses to send this aunt a card next year. She thinks it was cheap, and people should have the decency to send each card in a separate envelope.
I, on the other hand, say it would have been wasteful to send two cards in separate envelopes. That's just two more postage stamps and envelopes arriving on the same day. I wouldn't mind if I didn't get my own envelope. (My brother said he wouldn't either.)
Abby, if you say it isn't proper etiquette, my aunt will no longer receive Christmas cards from us. -- A 12-YEAR-OLD DAILY READER
DEAR DAILY READER: Your aunt was not "cheap" -- she was wisely conservative. In addition, she was helping the environment by conserving paper -- a tree product. Please show this letter to your mom.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Hurt Mother-in-Law": I was married in 1967, and I clearly remember my new mother-in-law taking me aside and saying, "You already have a mother, so let's figure out a name for you to call me that you are comfortable with. I'm comfortable with Doris."
She set the stage for a wonderful relationship. My father-in-law did his part, too. He introduced me to his friends as "my daughter." That always got a laugh from them, and it made me feel warm and accepted.
In loving memory of Doris and Armand Roth. -- KIRSTEN W. ROTH, PACIFIC PALISADES, CALIF.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)