This one's for everybody, from teens to seniors! To purchase Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Don't Wait for an Invitation to Help Someone in Need
DEAR ABBY: Concerning people who are hooked on drugs and/or alcohol, I just read a letter in the San Diego Union from the woman who signed herself, "Broke the Cycle in Dallas." I agree with the writer wholeheartedly, and with your response as well. However, I would like to go one step further: Family members CAN help "someone who doesn't want help" -- someone who is in denial. Denial, and that "false sense of control" we call delusional thinking, creates havoc in relationships. However, this denial can be broken through with a process called Intervention.
I recommend Intervention to anyone who is frustrated by another person's drinking or using. You don't have to wait for someone to "hit bottom," which could ultimately be death.
I am a professional counselor at The McDonald Center for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Treatment at Scripps Memorial Hospital in La Jolla, Calif. To learn more about Intervention, call a local treatment center -- or call our 24-hour Parent and Teen Helpline: 1-619-458-4357. -- JOHN C. SEAMAN, M.A.
DEAR MR. SEAMAN: Thanks for a potentially lifesaving letter for the thousands of people who are hooked on alcohol and/or drugs but insist they can handle it -- which they cannot.
DEAR ABBY: We have a daughter who is a senior in college. She was very popular in high school. She was homecoming queen, a cheerleader and an "A" student.
In her second year of college, she started dating guys with long hair. None of them were druggies, but they were all long-hair types. We would have called them "hippies" in my day. Her latest boyfriend has a tattoo on his arm. Well, last week our daughter came home with an ugly tattoo of an eye on her ankle!
Abby, we are decent people, but I feel as though our daughter has betrayed us and all our teachings and beliefs. I know that tattoos are fashionable right now, but I am sure the day will come when she will be sorry and embarrassed about that tattoo on her ankle. I am humiliated and would like to know how much parents are supposed to take. -- UNHAPPY DOWN SOUTH
DEAR UNHAPPY: You are taking this too personally; keep in mind that the ankle with the tattoo is your daughter's, not yours. Your daughter sounds like a bright, responsible young woman. Don't worry about her tattoo. Should she ever feel sorry and embarrassed, the tattoo can be covered with a cosmetic. Two of the best -- Covermark or Dermablend -- can be found in most department stores and some pharmacies.
DEAR ABBY: Last Christmas we purchased a video game for our sons, ages 8 and 10. At first it was fun, but now I am sick of the hours wasted in front of the television set. If the boys aren't playing it, their father is, and the arguments and hurt feelings are not worth the money invested. We used to go to the parks or beaches, or just spend time barbecuing after work. Now it's, "What game should we rent tonight?" followed by an evening of no communication.
I swear, they are addicted to it! Am I wrong? Has this happened in other households also? -- MAD AT THE VIDEO GAME, LACEY, WASH.
DEAR MAD: You are not wrong. But who makes the rules at your house? You should allow your sons to play their video game only as a reward for having done their homework and chores. And there should be a limit on how much time they can spend in front of the television set. Kids can get hooked on a video game -- but wise parents can turn that addiction into a bargaining chip.
DEAR ABBY: I have a lovely daughter -- intelligent, well-educated, attractive, a kind and caring person. She has not married. Every now and then, some stupid jerk asks me, "Why hasn't your daughter married?"
I respond in a civilized manner, although I consider the question none of his or her business and think that only a clod would ask such a question. Can you think of any remark to put such people in their place? -- OGDEN, UTAH, MOTHER
DEAR MOTHER: Try this: "Why don't you ask her?"
DEAR ABBY: I am writing about the mother of the bride who was much disturbed -- and properly so -- because of the "no-shows" at her daughter's wedding. She paid $25 per person, and there were eight guests who accepted but did not call to cancel and didn't show up.
Is there any reason why the parents of the bride who paid for the reception could not have asked the caterer to pack up the $200 worth of food so they could take it home?
Also, would it be a breach of etiquette for the parents or the newlyweds to call the no-shows and ask why they didn't attend the wedding after having accepted? (Am I the only one who thinks a telephone call or a note to the no- shows would be in order?) -- A.F.S.
DEAR A.F.S.: There is no reason why the parents of the bride shouldn't have asked the caterer to pack up the no-shows' dinners to be taken home and placed in their freezer to enjoy later.
However, I would neither call nor write the no-shows, asking why they didn't cancel when they knew they couldn't attend. Explanations (and apologies) are in order, but the no-shows should initiate them.
What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Son at Arm's Length Won't Join His Family's Embrace
DEAR ABBY: Our 42-year-old son and his wife live in the same city with us. We never make demands on them and are self-sufficient and able to take care of our needs. We do, however, enjoy seeing them, and invite them to join us for dinner from time to time.
They never drop in, but we would be delighted if they would. My husband and I never go to them uninvited, and they rarely invite us over.
When friends or relatives visit us from out of town, we would like to include our son and his wife and ask them to share a meal. But when we do, they seem very annoyed and resentful and claim that our guests are ours, and they don't want to be bothered.
I occasionally coax them by telling them that if they would come, they are free to leave anytime and don't have to give up the whole evening. I try to be thoughtful -- they call it "manipulative."
It upsets us terribly that our adult son can't understand that family relationships mean a lot to us, and we would be proud to have our friends and relatives meet him and his wife. When he and his brothers were growing up, our home was always open to all their friends.
He is a nice and pleasant person, but he refuses to give of himself. We can't seem to make him understand that caring adults sometimes make an effort to please others -- not just themselves. What are your thoughts on this, Abby? -- CARING PARENTS
DEAR PARENTS: For whatever reason, your son is not interested in maintaining a close relationship with you or "the relatives." Too bad he has never learned the joy of doing something for the sheer pleasure it affords others. Your "nice, pleasant" son is also selfish.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Puzzled in Florida" who couldn't decide how to list her daughter's race, since she is half-white and half-Chinese.
I am a white American; my wife is a black Jamaican. When I filled out the census form, I, too, was puzzled. Our sons are neither white nor black -- certainly not Oriental -- and much more is implied by "other."
Our oldest son resolved the problem by saying, "Dad, we are 'biracial.'"
A group of similar kids and teachers in his high school formed a "biracial" social club and coined the term. It is an obvious and correct answer. Sign me as ... BILL K., STATEN ISLAND, N.Y.
DEAR READERS: The "Carole and Rick in Delaware," whose wedding invitations contained an insert suggesting that a check made out to the Chutzpah Travel Agency toward a Hawaiian honeymoon would be appreciated, are not Carole and Rick Ratel.
The recently wed Carole and Rick Ratel of Delaware also had a Hawaiian honeymoon -- but it was paid for in advance as a gift from the father of the bride.
I am indebted to Mrs. Patricia E. McDaniels of Newark, Del., the mother of the bride, for setting the record straight.
People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)