To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Dead Son's Fiancee Is Family -- in Fact if Not in Name
DEAR ABBY: Four years ago our son, "Al," got his girlfriend, "Tara," pregnant. Tara was 15 and Al was 18 at the time. A week after our grandson was born, Tara's parents kicked her out of their house, so we took her and the baby into our home where we lived happily as a family.
As time went on, Tara got pregnant again -- also from our son -- and when she became of age to marry without her parents' consent, she and Al selected a date in September (1990). Al was a college student living at our home with Tara and the babies.
One month before the wedding, Al was killed in an auto accident. During his funeral, we treated Tara as his widow.
Tara has since reconciled with her parents, and she and her children have moved back with them. She is now 19, but she doesn't date yet because she's still grieving for Al. We hope that one day she will have a normal life, but she is not interested yet.
She attends all of our family functions, birthdays, weddings, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, etc., just as though she were Al's widow.
Abby, we feel that it may be an embarrassment to her when we introduce her as "Tara, the mother of our grandchildren." Since she and Al were never married, she is not technically our daughter-in-law. So, how should she be introduced? -- AL'S FATHER IN GEORGIA
DEAR FATHER: Introduce her as "Tara, the mother of our grandchildren." Your family and close friends will know the background, and casual acquaintances and strangers do not need to know her history. Or ask Tara how she would like to be introduced and abide by her wishes.
DEAR ABBY: My heart went out to "Guilty in Antigo, Wis." -- the smoker who was made to feel like a leper by society because she smokes.
I am not a smoker, but my mother was. I have inhaled my share of secondhand smoke, which, in turn, may have made me more tolerant of smokers today, but non-smokers should check their own bad habits before looking down their noses at smokers.
Put me next to a smoker anytime on an airplane, in a restaurant or theater, before you put me next to a squawling baby or a loud, obnoxious person! Most of my friends who smoke go outside to do so out of consideration for non-smokers, but how many people do you see actually leaving a restaurant or a theater when their child acts up?
What I'm saying is, we all have habits and/or actions that may annoy others.
If smoking is the only bad habit "Guilty in Antigo" has, I'd love to have her over for coffee and a cigarette sometime. If she can handle my nail-biting and gossiping, I can handle her cigarette-smoking. -- NOT PERFECT IN WESTMINSTER, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Your readers are sending in their crazy wedding night stories, so here's ours:
When Rick and I married, Dec. 14, 1985, we had only a weekend to honeymoon, so we took my aunt's advice and rented a condo on the beach in Rosarito, Mexico. After the wedding, we made the two-hour drive, arriving at the gated entrance after dark. We asked the Spanish-speaking guard to point us in the right direction to our rented unit, showing him the street address.
Upon finding our condo, we could not imagine why the key wasn't in the potted plant by the door where the owner promised it would be. Also, my aunt had told us that the unit was right on the beach -- this one was across the street. Finally, Rick climbed the balcony and entered the condo through the sliding glass door; then he opened the front door for me. We had brought along groceries and even logs for the fireplace, so we made a delicious dinner and built a romantic fire in the fireplace. It was a perfect wedding night.
The next morning, I decided to go outside and try to find the key. When I looked on the wall above the potted plant, I saw a ceramic plaque with the condo's full address -- a completely different street name than the condo we had reserved! I don't think I have ever washed dishes faster than I did that morning! We made the bed, cleaned up the place and ran out the door as fast as we could -- scared to death, but laughing hysterically. We drove as fast as we could to the right condo -- just a few blocks down the street.
We never did find out who owned that first condo, but if the owners happen to see this in print, "Thank you, and we are sorry!" -- KRISTA AND RICK TOBERIO, SAN CLEMENTE, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: When I was 11, my parents divorced and my mother moved to another state and took me with her. I saw my father only three times until I was 15. I've talked to him over the telephone a few times. (I called him -- he has never called me, not even on my birthday.) He is now remarried and living a comfortable life with his second wife and two stepchildren.
How can a father ignore his own blood child? I have tried over and over to build some kind of relationship with him, but it hasn't taken hold. I admit, I've had some problems growing up. I dropped out of high school, and every time I called him he mentioned it, saying I didn't live up to his expectations, so I finally quit calling him.
I haven't called him in two years. I am 21 now. Should I give up or keep trying? It probably shouldn't bother me after 10 years, but he is still my dad. Well, maybe if he reads your column he will recognize me. Sign me ... "ORPHANED" IN IDAHO
P.S. I am engaged to be married. Should I ask him to pay for my wedding?
DEAR "ORPHANED": Apparently your father isn't as eager to build a relationship with you as you are to build one with him. How sad. Let him know that you are engaged to be married, and if he offers to help pay for your wedding, fine --- but don't ask him. If you expect nothing, you won't be disappointed (again).
You deserve some happiness in your life. I hope you have it. Congratulations and all good wishes.
Most teen-agers do not know the facts about drugs, AIDS, and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy. It's all in Abby's new, updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Free at Last of Cancer's Grip, Man Frees His Wife as Well
DEAR ABBY: More than a year ago, you published a letter from "Mac in Oregon." He told you about his life and his battle with cancer and said he hoped his wife would not spend her life alone after he died.
Well, Mac lost his battle on May 30. He fought long enough to show great courage, but not so long as to destroy those he loved. He was as unselfish in death as he was in life.
I knew Mac for 42 years. He taught me about life, love, truth and mercy, and left me (and others) with sweet memories and a treasure trove of lessons about what is truly important. He wasn't rich, powerful or famous, but he was my dad. Rest in peace, Mac -- we love you still. -- TIM McSWAIN, LINCOLN PARK, N.J.
DEAR TIM: My heartfelt sympathy to you and your family. And now, as a tribute to Mac, I'm printing your father's letter that appeared in my column on April 24, 1990:
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for supporting the widow who started dating three months after her husband died. You were right to say, "The time to show respect for one's spouse is while that spouse is living." Here is my story, and there must be thousands of husbands (and wives) who feel as I do.
My wife and I had many good years together. We raised kids, lived through joyous good times and horrendous bad times.
I am in my 18th month of chemotherapy for various cancers. I may live three months or five years. It doesn't matter how short or long my life will be, but it's reasonable to assume that I will die before my wife does. I have had a more rewarding and fruitful life than I probably deserve, for which I am grateful. But the day I die, my last thoughts will be regret that I shall leave her alone. It's sad to know that after so many months of total concentration on my welfare -- days of putting up with my misery and never letting me see her own misery -- her reward will be to be left alone.
Abby, she is not the kind of person who should be alone. So I tell her now, and I want my kids and all my friends to listen: "As soon as you possibly can after throwing my ashes off the boat into the Pacific, wrap the memories of our life together around you -- and begin a new life. If three days, or three months after I'm gone, you find a man who will love and cherish you for a few years as I have for so many -- go for it! You've earned it." -- "MAC" IN OREGON
DEAR MAC: Your sincerity rings true, leaving me uncharacteristically speechless. Thanks for a two-hankie letter.
DEAR ABBY: You have stated twice in your column that both of the Wright brothers were bachelors.
Wilbur Wright died at the age of 45, a bachelor. Orville Wright lived to be 77 years old and married late in life. His wife was not as old as he was, but they had no children.
You were correct in stating that the Wright brothers do not have any direct descendants. -- HELEN L. THOMAS
DEAR HELEN L. THOMAS (not to be confused with Helen Thomas, veteran White House correspondent for United Press International): Thank you for attempting to set the record straight.
The New Encyclopedia Britannica, Volume 19, Page 1033, states: "Both the brothers died bachelors."
Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)