Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Counseling Saves Self-Esteem as Well as Woman's Marriage
DEAR ABBY: May I second your excellent recommendation to "Nervous Wreck," whose bull-headed husband refused marriage counseling, was walking all over her, and was teaching her son to do the same?
We had a similar situation at our house. I finally sought counseling alone because my husband not only refused to go with me but also tried to talk me out of it.
Several sessions with a psychiatrist relieved my depression, and at the doctor's suggestion I signed up for a course in assertiveness at a nearby mental health clinic.
Well, Abby, our marriage is on an entirely different footing now. In counseling I was treated as a rational, sensitive person whose feelings are important, and I came to view myself that way.
Because I changed, my family's reactions toward me did, too. They found that I would firmly reject disrespectful attitudes and actions and that I demanded my rights in any situation.
My husband now seems like a different man, and we are both 100 percent happier. As for me, I'm ... NO LONGER A WRECK
DEAR NO LONGER: Thank you for supporting my constant recommendation to "get counseling." To some it may sound like a broken record; to others, a cop-out. Mental health clinics across the nation continue to provide lifesaving support for troubled people at a price everyone can afford to pay. If your marriage is in trouble and your mate refuses counseling -- go alone!
DEAR ABBY: Some people seem to think that just because we have a large family, our yard is a public playground.
At this moment I have 16 kids playing ball in my back yard, and only seven of them are mine. My problem is that the kids aren't allowed to play in other yards because they ruin the grass and fall in the flowers. I really don't mind, but it wouldn't hurt some of the other parents to let the kids play in their yard once in a while.
At night, the kids ask me to turn on my yard lights so they can play after supper. The yelling and the screaming can be heard for blocks.
When, oh when, will I have peace and quiet again? -- MOM WITH PUBLIC PLAYGROUND
DEAR MOM: Too soon. Count your blessings, Mom. You're lucky your children are occupied in a healthy, wholesome sport. You don't have to worry about where they are, what they're doing and with whom. Anybody can raise grass. It takes special people to raise children.
DEAR ABBY: While in church, I saw a woman put a $5 bill in the collection plate and take back $4. Is that considered proper etiquette? -- CURIOUS
DEAR CURIOUS: Why not? God knows she put in $5.
Dear Abby: John and I Were Married in 1970. It Was the Second Time Around for Both of Us. Because of Interfering Relatives, Including Eight Children and in-Laws on Both Sides, Who Did Everything They Could to Break Up Our Marriage, We Were Divorced Three
Despite all the unpleasantness, we forgave each other and continued what has always been a wonderfully loving relationship. We are in our mid-50s and feel ridiculous sneaking around to be together.
John says, "Let's say to heck with everything, sell our houses, move 1,000 miles away from all the relatives and enjoy the years we have left!"
Neither of us has to work, and our financial situation is good. Should I put myself first for once in my life and remarry John? Or keep up a house for my remaining unmarried daughter? -- TORN
DEAR TORN: Your John is a man after my own heart. Remarry him and move away from both your families. Don't worry about your unmarried daughter. She's probably due to leave the nest soon anyway. Enjoy your lives. It's always later than you think.
DEAR ABBY: When I travel, I like to take my dog with me, which presents a problem because not all hotels allow dogs.
I recently stopped at a hotel where I was made welcome with my pet, and I saw this framed "notice" hanging in the lobby. It tickled me, and if it tickles you, maybe you'll run it in your column.
"Dogs are welcome in this hotel. We never had a dog that smoked in bed and set fire to the blankets. We never had a dog who stole our towels, played the TV too loud or had a noisy fight with his traveling companion. We never had a dog that got drunk and broke up the furniture. So if your dog can vouch for you, you're welcome, too." -- DOG LOVER
DEAR DOG LOVER: I've been tickled by a version of that notice, but in case some readers haven't, I'll run it. Thanks for a well-deserved tribute to man's best friend.
DEAR ABBY: My husband went on a 10-day business trip recently, and he wrote me three letters. He addressed the first one to "Mary Smith," the second to "Mrs. Mary Smith" and the third to "Ms. Mary Smith."
I have a friend who studies psychology, and she told me that my husband's addressing me as he did -- carefully avoiding using "Mrs. John Smith" -- was his way of "de-wifing" me.
I should add that when my husband returned from the trip, he was as affectionate and loving as ever, and he certainly didn't "de-wife" me then.
What do you think of my friend's theory? -- PERPLEXED
DEAR PERPLEXED: Not much. And if I were you, I would "de-friend" her.
What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
DEAD WIFE'S MEMORY HAUNTS MAN'S ROMANCE WITH WIDOW
DEAR ABBY: I met a very attractive, eligible widower last winter, and we've been keeping steady company since.
My only complaint is the way he keeps talking all the time about Mildred, his deceased wife. I never talk about my deceased husband. Outside of that, he is a decent man, and we get along just fine.
He has asked to marry me, but this is the way he proposed to me: "How would you like to take Mildred's place?" -- UNDECIDED
DEAR UNDECIDED: If he has a sense of humor, tell him that since Mildred is in the cemetery, you don't want to take her place. But if he wants a new life and a new wife, you'll consider it -- providing he quits talking about Mildred.
DEAR ABBY: Our 24-year-old son is engaged to a beautiful but spoiled 21-year-old girl. She has broken two engagements (one after the wedding invitations were mailed), and now she has asked our son for more time to "think things over." Meanwhile, the invitations are supposed to go out next Monday.
We have counseled with our minister, and he is all for letting her "think it over," but our son is trying to talk her into going through with the wedding on the scheduled date.
Her parents are no help at all and are pushing for the wedding as planned because they would like to get this spoiled, flighty girl married and out of the house. Also, they are very fond of our son.
What should we do? -- DETROIT DILEMMA
DEAR DILEMMA: I agree with your minister. I would give the bride all the time she needs to think it over. There are worse things than a late wedding. And one of them is an early divorce.
DEAR ABBY: I know the libraries are full of books on the subject, but you seem able to put so much into a few words. What makes some kids good and some bad? In other words, is there a formula for raising good kids? Is it heredity or environment? -- TRYING HARD
DEAR TRYING: That battle has been going on for a long time, but I'm inclined to be on the side of environment.
All kids need discipline. ("Discipline" does not mean punishment; it means "teaching.") Kids need to know how far they can go. And they don't really want everything they ask for.
Reward them when they're good, and deprive them of something they enjoy when they misbehave.
I don't believe in hitting a child. A little slap on the wrist (just enough to hurt his dignity) is all right. However, hitting a child hard enough to hurt him physically may rid you of YOUR hostilities, but it will only teach the child that violence is the answer to all conflicts.
Don't ever tell a child he's "bad." If he misbehaves, tell him you do not like what he DID; don't tell him you don't like HIM.
Give a child lots of love, and when he comes to you with a confession, don't be too hard on him.
People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)