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by Abigail Van Buren

Couple's Snore War Is Causing Sleepless Nights

DEAR ABBY: My husband says that I snore, but I know I don't. One thing I know for certain is that HE snores; and if I don't fall asleep before he does, I am up all night. He tells me that he is up all night because of MY snoring, which is ridiculous because if he were up, he wouldn't be keeping me up with his snoring.

How can we find out the truth? Don't suggest we have a third party sleep with us, as I am very old-fashioned. -- HATTIE

DEAR HATTIE: Buy, rent or borrow a tape recorder and turn it on when you both retire. Whoever is awake while the other is snoring should say, "I am awake, so YOU must be snoring!" And that should settle it!

DEAR ABBY: My problem is a husband who thinks he's funny. I had a very nice dinner party at home the other night and was especially proud of the way everything turned out.

Well, when the guests were leaving, my husband said, "Come back soon because the only time I get a decent meal around here is when we have company." Everybody laughed, but I wanted to crawl into a hole.

He said that once before and it got a big laugh, so he pulled it again.

In the first place, Abby, it's not true. I pride myself on always feeding my family very well. I told him later I didn't think that crack was very funny, but he said, "I was only kidding."

Is there a clever retort I could use in case my husband the comic says that again? -- TICKED OFF IN TULSA

DEAR TICKED: You could say (only kidding, of course), "The only time my ever lovin' Scrooge gives me money for fancy groceries is when we have company."

DEAR ABBY: You had a letter in your column about people who were always mooching rides, and these moochers were called "schnorrers."

I would like to know where that term came from. We are one of the 200 families in the United States with the name of "Schnorr," and we object to the use of our name with such a meaning.

We hope that the Schnorr families in Oregon, New Mexico, Illinois and all other states feel as we do and that you get 199 more letters of protest. -- THE SCHNORRS OF ARIZONA

DEAR SCHNORRS: The verb "to beg" is "schnorren" in German. From it comes the noun "schnorrer" -- which means "a beggar, a panhandler, a moocher, a cheapskate, a chiseler, a bum, a drifter or a borrower." It can also mean a compulsive bargain hunter, bargainer or an impudent indigent.

The above information was "schnorred" (borrowed without permission) from "The Joys of Yiddish" -- a delightful and authoritative book written by Leo Rosten.

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