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by Abigail Van Buren

Unwelcome Guests Are Given 13 Reasons for Staying Home

DEAR ABBY: The letter signed "Frustrated in Florida" really burned me up. "Frustrated" had a married stepdaughter who lived out of state, and this nervy young woman invited another married couple and their two children to accompany them to their home for six days!

Well, I have some suggestions for "Frustrated" if that stepdaughter should show up again with or without her friends:

1. Have soiled sheets on the beds.

2. Have the fridge very low on food -- no snacks.

3. Undercook the eggs.

4. Scorch the beans (use an expendable pot).

5. Burn the potatoes.

6. Intrude on their private talks.

7. Bone up on some polite (?), classical insults, including references to moochers and deadbeats.

8. Get rough bathroom tissue.

9. Put out a short supply of cheap (very cheap) towels and washrags.

10. Lock the good sheets and towels away or "store" at a good friend's for a few days.

11. Don't wash the dishes; next mealtime exclaim, "Oh my, the dishes aren't washed. You ladies will have to help me do them!"

12. Have the TVs out for repair.

13. Don't pay to put those sorry bums up at a motel -- let them rent their own rooms.

If these steps don't get rid of them -- fumigate! -- A MEAN OLD EX-FARMER FROM KANSAS