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by Abigail Van Buren

Mothers Declare War on Pacifier Warning

DEAR ABBY: I am a child psychologist and the mother of two. There is certainly controversy in the field of child development concerning pacifiers. However, most professionals believe that there is no harm in giving pacifiers to infants as long as the pacifier is "orthodontically approved" -- meaning the shape prevents the development of a tongue-thrusting habit.

It is important to understand that the sucking reflex, being necessary for survival, is the strongest reflex in a newborn. Some infants display a stronger need to suck than others. If a mother were to attempt to satisfy this need with breast or bottle, the result would be overfeeding -- and a very tired mother.

Use of a pacifier is harmless as long as the infant is weaned from it, much as one weans a baby from a bottle.

My younger daughter was born with an extremely strong sucking reflex. When the pediatrician came to the hospital and lifted her from her bassinet, all of the bedding came with her -- she had tried to stuff it into her mouth! The pediatrician said, "I hope you have a pacifier at home."

Abby, the next time you print a letter from a "child development specialist," please check with other professionals before unnecessarily alarming thousands of parents who are already bombarded with well-intentioned advice from every side. As with everything, moderation is the key. -- PRO-PACIFIER, MONROE, MICH.

DEAR PRO-PACIFIER: Meet another pro-pacifier enthusiast who shares your opinion of the child development specialist.

DEAR ABBY: I am really incensed by this "child development specialist" who, by sheer ego and self-importance, purports to know more than the instincts of a mother.

I am equally incensed at her allegation that parents who give their children pacifiers are really pacifying themselves to keep their children quiet.

How dare this "child development specialist" insinuate that I am a bad mother for using pacifiers! If I were to listen to the constantly changing theories of these child development specialists and actually put to use some of their theories, my children would be so confused, they wouldn't know which way is up!

I would like to see the research that backs up her theory that the use of pacifiers can lead to smoking, overeating and alcoholism. Furthermore, what makes this woman a "child development specialist"? Is it education or experience? If experience counts for anything, I am a child development specialist myself. I'm raising twins. -- PAM ISAACSON, EL PASO

DEAR ABBY: Some very close friends are planning a surprise 25th wedding anniversary party for a special couple we all love.

The friends who are planning the party want all the other friends of this couple to participate. Would it be considered tacky to put on the invitation: "In lieu of a gift, please make a cash contribution to help defray the cost of catering"? -- "US" IN BALTIMORE

DEAR "US": Yes, it would be tacky. If the "very close friends" want to plan the party together and split the cost, fine -- but do not ask the invited guests to chip in.

What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)

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