What teen-agers need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with their peers and parents is now in Abby's updated, expanded booklet, "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Relative's Hug Is Too Close for Young Woman's Comfort
DEAR ABBY: I have a male relative who puts his arms around me, holds me close, and hugs me every time he sees me.
I have hinted that I don't like it, but to no avail. When I casually mentioned this to his wife, she smiled and said, "People who experience physical contact tend to have fewer emotional problems."
Abby, this may be true, but as far as I'm concerned, every time he does this to me, I feel manhandled, and I dislike it intensely.
If I were to take harsh measures, my other relatives would say I'm being foolish -- he is just being friendly.
Please tell me how to handle this situation. I am not a child. -- YOUNG FEMALE ADULT
DEAR YOUNG FEMALE ADULT: Quit hinting, and when this male relative approaches you, give him the straight-arm and this short speech: "From now on, no more hugging, please. I don't mean to be unfriendly, but I really am not into hugging."
And if his wife again interjects her opinion with regard to physical contact and emotional problems, you smile and tell her that you don't need that much physical contact -- and you'll take your chances with "emotional problems," should any occur.
DEAR ABBY: I don't lie, steal, swear, gamble or cheat on my husband. I don't do drugs, cheat on my taxes, abuse my children or run stop signs. I don't chew my fingernails, drink to excess, overeat, gossip or spit on the sidewalk. But I am addicted to cigarettes, and consequently, I am subjected to verbal and emotional abuse by non-smokers.
I know what it is like to be treated like a second-class citizen. I am told where I may and may not sit. I have been told that I stink, I'm weak, and I ought to be ashamed of myself.
So what do I do? I go out in the alley and light a cigarette to comfort myself and calm my nerves. Am I such a bad person? -- GUILTY IN ANTIGO, WIS.
DEAR GUILTY: No, you are not a "bad" person. You are just one of millions of smokers who are addicted to cigarettes and are not yet ready to do whatever it takes to free yourself of this addiction. When you're ready, call the National Cancer Institute's Cancer Information Service. Its toll-free number is (800) 4-CANCER.
DEAR ABBY: I recently had a friend visiting me. She brought her children along. I noticed that her children were playing at my desk where I keep my jewelry in a drawer.
After they left, I discovered that one of my rings was missing. Should I tell my friend? -- ANXIOUS
DEAR ANXIOUS: Yes. But before telling her, search everywhere you think the ring might be, to make certain that it is nowhere to be found -- not just misplaced.
CONFIDENTIAL TO ANNA MARGARET J. (FORMERLY OF YUMA, ARIZ. -- NOW READING ME IN THE SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE): Of course I remember you! Please write again and enclose your address.
Child's Disfigurement Leaves Friends Without Right Words
DEAR ABBY: My friend and I read your column and discuss the letters and your replies. We usually agree with your answers. Now we have a question for you:
Let's say that "Mary" was shopping and ran into a young woman she had known in college -- we'll call her Beatrice. Beatrice had her 2-year-old son in a stroller, and when Mary looked at the little boy, she wasn't prepared for the shock she got. The child's face was terribly deformed and disfigured!
What should Mary have said -- if anything?
My friend said, "I would have ignored the abnormality and said something like, 'My, what a sweet child. How old is he?'"
I said, "I would have been more honest and said something like, 'I'm sorry about your baby, but I hear they are able to do amazing reconstructive surgery now.'"
Abby, what do you think a parent of a facially disfigured child would want to hear? My friend and I are hoping you will respond in your column. It would be helpful to many readers. -- NO NAME OR CITY, PLEASE
DEAR NO NAME: Just when I think I've seen everything, along comes a letter such as this one.
Only a person who has walked that path is qualified to answer that question. I hope someone who has will write and let me know. The answer would be helpful to many readers -- as well as to this columnist.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who insists he is not addicted to tobacco because he doesn't smoke cigarettes -- he smokes a pipe! He says, "I don't inhale, so a pipe can't hurt me."
Meanwhile, his wife inhales his secondhand smoke all day, and it must hurt because she has a respiratory problem and a chronic cough. This man claims he doesn't have a habit, yet he is never seen without some kind of pipe -- which he constantly is lighting, packing with tobacco, tapping into an ashtray or fiddling with in some manner.
He has a very impressive collection of pipes as well as a variety of fancy blends of tobacco, so it's apparent that he is not just a casual smoker. He brags that he could quit his pipe tomorrow and never miss it because he really doesn't have a habit.
Abby, I wonder whom is he kidding? -- AN OBSERVER
DEAR OBSERVER: Himself.
DEAR ABBY: The heartwarming letters you have published about people doing kind deeds impulsively for strangers prompts my first Dear Abby letter.
Every Saturday night, no matter what my husband and I did, we would always wind up at Baskin-Robbins for ice- cream cones. The same young girl always waited on Bob while I sat in the car -- a '66 T-Bird.
One night, with no warning whatsoever, my husband died of a heart attack. Although we had been married for 45 years, I was devastated.
About two months after my husband's death, I stopped by Baskin-Robbins for an ice-cream cone. The young girl remembered me because of the car, and said, "I've missed you. Where is your nice husband?"
I told her that he had died suddenly. "Oh, I'm very sorry," she said. "Please, wait a minute." Then she hurriedly packed a quart of our favorite flavor and handed it to me.
"No charge," she said softly. "Your husband was such a fine gentleman."
I was so touched, I cried. -- VIRGINIA DARE LUDWIG, TUSTIN, CALIF.
Everything you'll need to know about planning a wedding can be found in Abby's booklet, "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Recording Your Family Past Is Best Done in the Present
DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for your readers. Tell them to urge their parents to identify the photos of their ancestors. When our parents died, my sister and I had no idea who was in the photographs we were left.
Fortunately, my sister traveled to Denmark and was able to get in touch with relatives who could identify the people. -- MARILYN BIRD, ROSE CITY, MICH.
DEAR MARILYN: I couldn't agree more. A few years ago, I received this letter that dealt with the problem:
DEAR ABBY: You suggested that "older people" should mark the backs of family pictures while they can still remember who's who, when the pictures were taken and the approximate dates. Why only "older people"? That's something everybody should do as soon as a snapshot is developed.
For years, I was too busy (or too lazy) to do it, and now that I'm retired and have plenty of time, I can't remember who half the people are.
My parents can't help me because my father has been dead for 25 years, and my mother is in a rest home, unable to remember much of anything.
So here I sit, with a big box of family pictures -- beating my brains out trying to recall names, dates and places. What a mess!
Abby, please remind your readers often to label their pictures. Then their grandchildren won't have to go through what I'm going through now. -- KICKING MYSELF IN ASBURY PARK
DEAR KICKING: Not only should family pictures be labeled, but accounts of historical events and newspaper clippings of births, graduations, marriages and deaths in the family should be preserved in a sturdy scrapbook.
Fascinating family histories could be preserved if younger members interviewed older relatives at family gatherings. A tape recorder would be ideal for this purpose.
Succeeding generations will love it!
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I disagee on how our children should address their elders. My husband and his family feel that children should always address adults as "Mr. or Mrs. So and So," regardless of the adult's preference -- otherwise the child will not learn to respect adults.
What is your opinion? Should my children address you as "Miss Van Buren" even though you ask them to call you "Dear Abby"? -- PREFERS FIRST NAME
DEAR PREFERS: To show respect to an adult, one addresses that person as he/she asks to be addressed.
If a man named "Rudolph" says, "Please call me Rudy," to ignore his request and call him "Rudolph" would be rude.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding thank-you notes: I believe I received the tackiest thank-you note ever -- my canceled check with "thank you" written in the "memo" space. -- APPALLED IN SODUS, N.Y.
By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)