This one's for everybody, from teens to seniors! To purchase Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Society Has Double Standard Dealing With Minors and Sex
DEAR ABBY: The following story is fictitious: A man in his late 20s goes to bed with a 14-year-old girl. He gets caught, is arrested, and goes to prison for a few years where he is subject to all kinds of dangers in prison because of his crime.
The following story is real: A married woman in her late 20s goes to bed with a 14-year-old boy. They are having an affair. The boy and this woman do their frolicking when her husband is at work during his graveyard shift. This boy is some kind of "hero" to his friends, and even to some adults! Why?
This is a double standard in its ugliest fashion. If an underage girl has sex with an adult male, then it is a case of, "Poor girl, he must have taken advantage of her."
When an underage boy has sex with an adult woman, it turns into, "What a stud, atta boy -- learn early!"
Furthermore, I have never heard of a case where a woman went to prison for having sex with underage boys. Isn't it a crime? I am not saying that one is right and the other is not. They're both wrong. Why, however, do women get away with this awful crime? -- FRESNO FRANK
DEAR FRESNO FRANK: Women "get away" with it if the parents of the underage boy are unwilling to charge the woman with having sex with a minor. But regardless of who takes advantage of a minor of either sex -- that person is guilty of statutory rape.
DEAR ABBY: The problem I'm about to tell you is one you probably never heard before.
My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have two great sons. My husband and I have had problems we've tried to resolve with counseling, but the counseling didn't work, so I decided I wanted to leave him while I was young enough to make a happier life for myself.
I called my father-in-law and asked to see him privately so he wouldn't be too shocked when I left his son. Well, he picked me up and we went for a drive out in the country.
When I gave him my news -- he gave me some. He said he and his wife never had a really good marriage, but he stayed with her because of their children, who are all grown now. Then he told me he's always had special feelings for me -- but he would never follow through on them because I belonged to his son.
To make a long story short, we confessed our love for each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together, but we don't know how my sons will feel about having their grandfather for a stepfather. It's a mess, but you only live once. What should we do? -- TRUE STORY
DEAR TRUE STORY: You both need to see a marriage counselor -- but not the one you and your husband saw. Please, think this out carefully and make no announcements before you are certain that your decisions are sound, solid and will stand the test of time.
DEAR ABBY: After reading your wonderful booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It," what advice do you have for people who are on the receiving end? How does one respond to people who have "lost it" and are venting their anger on you? -- BEEN THERE
DEAR BEEN THERE: If they become physical, get out of their way and put as much distance as you can between them and you. But if they're venting their anger verbally, you'd be wise to simply listen. Anger expressed is anger defused.
Man Feels Born Anew When He Strips to His Birthday Suit
DEAR ABBY: In reference to "Missing Out in L.A.," the 39-year-old man who had only sex partners who were extremely flat-chested and was wondering if visiting a nudist camp to "get an eyeful" of large-breasted women would satisfy his curiosity: Your response to this gentleman was right on target: "Nudist resorts are not peep shows!"
The men, women and children who enjoy the "naturalist" lifestyle are not exhibitionists. Anyone who goes to a nudist resort to "get an eyeful" will get an eyeful of the exit in a hurry. All nudist resorts have rules that prohibit gawking, staring or any other unacceptable behavior. This includes any sexual activity.
Nudists are people who feel that being unclothed is natural and not dirty or shameful. Small children are born nudists. Anyone who has been around small children has seen them pull off their clothes just to be rid of the uncomfortable nuisance.
I am 38 and discovered the nudist lifestyle last summer. Never in my life have I felt anything that feels so good and natural. My girlfriend, who was apprehensive at first, finally went with me. Now, together we enjoy our place in the sun. I wish I had found this lifestyle sooner. Please don't misunderstand. This lifestyle is not for everyone. I myself cannot eat sushi. "Live and let live" and "To each his own."
Another solution for "Missing Out in L.A." would be either to go to a topless bar or hire a strip-o-gram. This will allow him to see what he wants to see without offending anyone.
Thank you for steering that gentleman toward another solution, and allowing me to dispel some misconceptions about the nudist lifestyle.
Abby, you may use this letter and edit it as you see fit. I'm enclosing my name, address and phone number if you wish to contact me for any reason, but please do not publish it. Sign this ... "NATURAL IN COLORADO"
DEAR ABBY: A while back, you had a letter in your column about a girl who got an engagement ring that looked like a big diamond, but it was an imitation (cubic zirconia) which she was proudly showing around to all her friends and relatives, thinking it was real.
I guess she fooled some of the people some of the time, but it could have caused her a lot of embarrassment.
I have a different problem concerning my diamond engagement ring. My boyfriend told me that his father got it at a very good price because it was "hot" -- stolen.
I love my fiance very much, but I do not feel comfortable wearing this ring, knowing its history. I do not want to appear ungrateful, and I don't want to insult my boyfriend -- or his father -- but every time someone compliments me on my ring, I want to crawl into a hole and hide.
What should I do? -- ASHAMED IN BUFFALO
DEAR ASHAMED: Be honest with your fiance. Tell him you can't enjoy wearing that ring, knowing its history. Better to have a modest diamond -- or none at all -- than a "hot" rock.
To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
LINES DRAWN AT KENT STATE STILL DIVIDE PEOPLE TODAY
DEAR ABBY: You recently published several letters on the Kent State killings that reflected your readers' prejudices, not the facts as determined by the official investigative bodies, particularly the President's Commission on Campus Unrest. Some of the myths your readers cling to cannot be adequately addressed in a short column, but I would, at least, like to set the record straight on a few points:
1. The anti-Vietnam War rally that the National Guard broke up at Kent State was peaceful until the Guard made what the President's Commission called a "highly questionable" decision to disperse the crowd. The President's Commission concluded: "There was no apparent impending violence. Only when the Guard attempted to disperse the rally did some students react violently."
2. Though the Guardsmen were subsequently subjected to some abuse, including some rock throwing, the notion that the Guardsmen had to fire because their lives were endangered by an uncontrollable mob was also disputed by every official investigation. The Justice Department concluded the shootings were "neither necessary nor proper." Similarly, the President's Commission concluded the killings were "unnecessary, unwarranted and inexcusable."
3. The students who were killed were not the same students who were responsible for the burning of the university's Army ROTC building or any other act of violence which occurred in the city of Kent the weekend before May 4, 1970.
4. On May 4, two of the four students who were killed had participated in the demonstration and may have at some point thrown rocks at the soldiers. The other two (an ROTC student and a coed carrying books to class) were strictly bystanders. The Justice Department concluded that because all four fatalities were located more than 300 feet from the firing soldiers, none were "in a position to pose even a remote danger to the National Guard at the time of the firing." -- WILLIAM A. GORDON, AUTHOR, "THE FOURTH OF MAY: KILLINGS AND COVER-UPS AT KENT STATE" (PROMETHEUS BOOKS, 1990)
DEAR MR. GORDON: Thank you for setting the record straight. I bought -- and read -- your book, a fascinating as well as factual account of what really took place at Kent State.
DEAR ABBY: Could you please give me some advice on how to make restitution of a large sum of money and still remain anonymous?
I can't send a personal check or walk into my local 7-Eleven store with $4,000 and ask for a money order. And I certainly don't want to send cash anonymously through the mail.
Many years ago, I was reimbursed for a medical insurance claim that I had no right to. My conscience has bothered me for a long time, and I can't seem to come up with a workable solution. I am also uncertain about whom to send the money to. I thought perhaps if I addressed my letter to the president of the insurance company, it would eventually get into the right hands, but I don't want to tempt some other employee by sending some form of payment as good as cash. Any ideas? -- GUILTY CONSCIENCE
DEAR GUILTY: I agree that sending cash through the mail would be unwise, but since you do not wish to be identified, advise your attorney to send the insurance company $4,000 with a cover letter to the president -- explaining that it is from "a repentant client who wishes to remain anonymous."
People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)