CONFIDENTIAL TO J.N. IN BALTIMORE: Go for it! "Fortune is a prize to be won. Adventure is the road to it. Chance is what may lurk in the shadows at the roadside." Those are the words of one William Sydney Porter, whose pen name was O. Henry. (Surprise!)
Teen's Self-Worth Is Lowered by Her Boyfriend's Cheap Talk
DEAR ABBY: Our 17-year-old daughter, "Marcie," is going steady with "Brad." They are both seniors in high school.
During Marcie's junior year, she ran with the wrong crowd, made some bad decisions about smoking and drinking and, yes, even sex. She was very honest with Brad, and now he is being verbally abusive -- throwing her past in her face and making her feel like dirt. She quit smoking and drinking, but there's nothing she can do about her virginity. After being with Brad, she comes home and cries because he makes her feel so cheap and dirty. They fight all the time about it. He acts like her judge and jury.
What can I do? She says she's in love with him. He's the second boy she's gone with who's been verbally abusive. It took Marcie a year to get over the first one.
How can I help her? She doesn't want me or her dad to talk to Brad or his parents about this. I'm so worried about her. Please help. -- OHIO MOM
DEAR MOM: I know you love your daughter and would do anything to help her, but this is one job Marcie has to do herself. She needs to forgive herself and rebuild her self-esteem. She should not permit anyone to degrade her, or make her feel cheap.
Marcie has made some mistakes (who hasn't?); now she needs to respect herself enough to say goodbye to anyone who tries to degrade her. No family member can help Marcie. Get her into counseling. If her school has no counselors, try your local department of family services or United Way.
DEAR ABBY: A mother wrote to you in agitation over her gay daughter's "lifestyle." I am writing in agitation over the use of that word -- as if it is used to describe continually bizarre and abnormal behavior.
Abby, like all the rest, we are born, we live our lives, and then we die. Along the way we go to school, to work, to church, we are sick and we are well, we are happy and we are sad, we pay taxes and give to charity, we enjoy family and friends, we buy cars and houses and books, we watch TV and go to the movies, we play golf and football and bridge, we go to offices and factories and farms, we vote and we volunteer, we worry about money and politics, and we are tired at the end of the day. Some of us love another of the same sex. It would seem so small a thing, like the color of the skin, in such a wide, wide world.
Will you gently chide your readers, Abby, that we are all far more alike than we are different? -- NORTH CHATHAM, N.Y.
DEAR NORTH CHATHAM: Your chiding is identical to my philosophy.
By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Motorists, Here's a Warning: Don't Interrupt Cops at Work
DEAR ABBY: Will you please ask your readers never to interrupt a police officer in the middle of a traffic stop unless it is a dire emergency? (Directions to the nearest restaurant don't count!)
Abby, we police officers never know who we are pulling over during a routine stop. It could be a murderer, an escaped felon or a minister. More law enforcement personnel are injured or killed during routine traffic stops than almost any other type of police activity. (It's twice as dangerous at night.)
Please don't pull up right next to me as I'm approaching the car I just stopped and ask me for directions! We could both be in danger and I might not be able to guarantee your safety.
We also make stops where the element of danger is known beforehand -- such as an armed robber fleeing the scene. This is usually a planned stop where suspects are taken out of a car at gunpoint. If you should see one or more police officers with their guns drawn and pointed at someone, don't walk up and ask, "What's going on?" We are not filming "T.J. Hooker."
If a police officer is all red in the face and yelling at you and waving an arm in a sideways motion while holding a gun in the other, don't wave back. It isn't a greeting. MOVE! You are in the line of fire!
Thanks, Abby, for letting me get this off my chest. -- CALIFORNIA COP, LOMPOC, CALIF.
DEAR READERS: He's right. When officers are on duty, they are not playing cops and robbers; it's the real thing. So, please, don't interrupt an officer who is obviously busy doing his job.
DEAR ABBY: Well, it happened again tonight! Don't people realize that in this day and age, it is not safe to assume anything?
I am a 21-year-old man -- stable and successful -- and I am presently seeing a woman who is 19 years my senior. For some reason (probably because I look younger than I am), people tend to assume that we are mother and son.
Abby, you would not believe the pain and frustration it causes my girlfriend when people tell her what a handsome "son" she has! She doesn't look anywhere near old enough to be my mother.
Tonight when we came out of a restaurant and the valet retrieved my car, the young fellow who brought us our car said, "Gee, if my mom had a car like this, she'd never let me drive it!"
Please let your readers know that assumptions can be rude. I doubt there would be a problem if I was 40 and she was 19 or 20. -- HATES ASSUMPTIONS
DEAR HATES: Unfortunately, some assumptions -- when verbalized -- can be cruel as well as rude. However, when a 40-year-old man is in the company of a 19- or 20-year-old woman, the assumption is more likely to be that they are boyfriend and girlfriend. Today, when people are living longer and taking better care of themselves (physically, nutritionally and sometimes with a little help from a plastic surgeon), age is merely a number.
But on the chance that it could be embarrassing, it's wise to make no assumptions concerning the relationship between a male and female.
People are eating them up! For Abby's favorite recipes, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
No News Can Be Bad News Where Cancer Is Concerned
DEAR ABBY: I read a letter in your column in the Oregonian that shook me up. It was from a woman who said that her husband had had a physical every year since 1971, checked out 100 percent -- then out of the blue he was diagnosed as having inoperable prostate cancer! No one had told him that if his father or a brother had had prostate cancer, he should take a P.S.A. blood test. After I read this in your column, I wrote "GET THIS" on the column and handed it to my husband, because his brother has had prostate cancer. So with no symptoms, my husband took the P.S.A. test and was found to have early prostate cancer!
Thank God for that letter -- and thank you, Abby, for publishing it. I had copies made and sent them to all my male relatives. I even posted one on the bulletin board at our club. You may use my name. -- BOBBI (MRS. FRED) JACKSON, SOUTH BEACH, ORE.
DEAR BOBBI: Thank you for permitting me to use your name. For those readers out there who want to know -- the name of the blood test is "Prostatic-Specific Antigen." And for those who need a nudge in the right direction -- read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is a story about two men. One of them is my friend who went to his doctor for his regular physical examination. An elevated blood count indicated that he needed further testing and, as suspected, it was found he had two cancerous polyps on his prostate. They were removed by a simple surgical procedure. Prognosis: He will probably live a normal life.
The other one is my brother, who had ample warning of the same problem for a year, but who kept putting off a visit to the doctor until it became absolutely necessary. By then, the cancer had spread through his system and he required radical and painful surgery. Prognosis: We buried him last week, and it was so unnecessary! Please excuse the tear stains. I miss my brother. -- GRIEVING IN THE OZARKS
DEAR ABBY: Last weekend I went camping with my family and a friend. I met a really special guy who I fell for right away. The problem is, I told him I was 17 (I am 15).
He is 17. Now I am worried that he will be mad at me for lying and think I am too young. The reason I told him I was older is because a lot of guys think I'm too young even before they get to know me. I look 17 and am very mature.
I don't think age should matter if two people really like each other. How do I convince him that I like him so much, and that I'm sorry for lying? -- SORRY I LIED IN YUBA CITY, CALIF.
DEAR SORRY: Age does matter during the teen years, and so does the degree of maturity. Some 17-year-old "boys" are men -- and much depends upon his degree of maturity at age 17. Liking him so much that you lied about your age is not much of a defense, but my advice is just to be straightforward and tell him what you've told me. Lying about one's age is, in itself, immature. But if he likes you enough, perhaps he'll be forgiving.
To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)