To get Abby's booklet "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
Drunken Husband Gave Wife a Life Full of Harsh Lessons
DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, I received a personal letter from you in response to my frantic plea asking how to handle my alcoholic husband. You became my special friend. When my mother died, you called me at home. I will never forget that. Now I want to give something back; it's some advice to your readers from my own experience.
In a recent column, a John C. Seaman, referring to his personal experience with alcohol and drug abuse, said, "I recommend intervention to anyone who is frustrated by another person's drinking or using. You don't have to wait for someone to 'hit bottom,' which could ultimately be death." Those words hit close to home!
My husband's alcoholism ultimately led, although indirectly, to his death. For 12 years I tried to help him, and finally we agreed that he should enter an alcohol and drug abuse program in an area hospital. Six weeks after his release, he resumed drinking. I tried "tough love" and moved him out of our house, saying he could return when he got back on the program and quit drinking.
Well, he wasn't strong enough to quit drinking, nor was he strong enough to fight off the killer who knifed him to death in his motel apartment. It happened in the early hours of April 10, 1991. A drug-crazed man forced his way into my husband's apartment and stabbed him 14 times, then stuffed him into a closet!
Now I have to live with the fact that I let him down. I failed him. It is too late for intervention. So, Abby, please tell your readers to keep trying! Keep trying to rehabilitate your alcoholic or user. Where there is life, there is, at least, hope.
After death, you will want them back so badly, drunk or high, but alive! I, too, recommend intervention along with Mr. Seaman, not out of professional knowledge -- but from harsh life experience.
Call a treatment center, as he suggests. Please do not give up!
Kindest regards to you, Abby, and love to all of your readers. You may print my name. -- DIANE SMITH
DEAR DIANE: Please accept my condolences on the tragic death of your husband. For those readers who may have missed it, the 24-hour helpline of the McDonald Center for Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Treatment at Scripps Memorial Hospital in La Jolla, Calif., is: 1 (619) 458-4357. That call could be a lifesaver.
DEAR ABBY: Our son, who is 21 years old, is basically a fine person and he is usually very reasonable. He has a new girlfriend and she has been "sleeping over." Our son lives in our garage, which we have fixed up comfortably. He needed his privacy, and we needed peace and quiet. He feels that since he is in a separate area, it is OK to have his girlfriend sleep over, even though it goes against our values.
We have set certain rules for him and feel that as long as he is living in our house, he should discontinue this sleeping arrangement. He has always abided by our rules, but thinks we are off base on this.
What do you think? -- LOVER BOY'S MOM
DEAR MOM: I think as long as your son is living in your house, he should abide by your rules.
MAN WITH LIMITED EXPERIENCE SEEKS STUDY OF FEMALE FORM
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old divorced man. My ex-wife and present girlfriend are the only women I have ever had sex with, and both are extremely flat-chested. Therefore, I have never touched -- or even seen -- breasts of any size except in pictures.
Sometimes this bothers me, and I find myself staring at women with large breasts. My girlfriend is very understanding about this and even suggested that we go to a nudist camp so I could get an eyeful.
Abby, do you think going to a nudist camp would get this problem out of my system, or would it just aggravate it?
My decision depends on your reply. -- MISSING OUT IN L.A.
DEAR MISSING OUT: Your girlfriend's "understanding" is admirable, but nudist camps are not peep shows. They are for people who sincerely enjoy the freedom of camping out in the buff. You will find naturalists -- entire families -- at nudist camps.
There are legitimate theaters that offer adult entertainment wherein you can see what you want to see.
DEAR ABBY: Your column about "no-shows" (people who do not show up at a wedding reception after having accepted) struck a raw nerve with me. I was recently married, and we had 40 no-shows at our reception.
We included postage-paid response cards with every invitation, and about 60 percent responded to those. I did a lot of telephoning, and held off the final count to the caterers until two days prior to the wedding. At that time I had to make the final florist order (for every table of eight there was a centerpiece) as well as the final champagne amounts for toasting. We figured that this cost us $1,000 extra.
To this day, we have only found out that one woman was ill, a man didn't get home from a business trip, another man left his wife, and one couple had the flu.
Only one couple informed us personally that they were unable to attend -- three hours prior to the ceremony. At the reception, we learned that another couple had separated and he was too upset to attend.
Abby, please don't use my name or city; I'm hopeful this will alert some other folks, and there will be fewer no-shows. -- AFFRONTED NEWLYWEDS
DEAR NEWLYWEDS: I wish! I have yet to hear how readers felt about my suggestion concerning no-shows at a catered affair: "Since the food is already paid for, why not pack up the goodies and take them home or to a homeless shelter?"
CONFIDENTIAL TO "HANGING IN THERE" IN HOLDENVILLE, OKLA.: I admire your fighting spirit, but an artist knows when a painting is finished, and a wise woman knows when the affair is over. Accept it with grace, and save face.
By popular request, Abby shares more of her favorite prize-winning, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Recently I attended the wedding of a good friend. Because I am a photojournalist by trade, she asked me if I would videotape her wedding, and I gladly agreed.
The wedding was beautiful and the reception went smoothly until the bride's father stopped the band to make an announcement. He said he had "lost" his wallet, which contained $1,500 with which he had intended to pay the band. He said if anyone found the money, it could be returned simply by leaving it in the men's lavatory, and no questions would be asked. No money was turned in.
The following day, I looked over the footage I had taken at the reception and was astonished to see that while filming a couple's conversation, in the background was the GROOM removing a wallet from the evening coat of the bride's father!
Now I don't know what to do. The couple is away for two weeks on their honeymoon. Should I tell my friend? Should I tell her father? Or should I just keep it to myself?
For the bride's sake, please do not use my name or address. -- NO NAME, NO ADDRESS
DEAR NO NAME: Call the bride's father and invite him to view the lovely video you took of his daughter's wedding -- and you won't have to tell anybody anything.
DEAR ABBY: My husband's brother's wife continuously flirts with my husband. She finds excuses to hug on him or be in his face.
I have spoken to my husband and asked him not to respond to her flirtations. He has backed off a little, but says he can't help it if she is always coming up to him.
Would I be wrong to speak to my sister-in-law about this and ask her to kindly stay out of my husband's face? -- JEALOUS IN RICHMOND, VA.
DEAR JEALOUS: Your husband is a grown man and a free agent. If he wanted to discourage the advances of his sister-in-law, he could easily do it with a few well-chosen words spoken in earnest.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I don't know how to solve. Many years ago, my husband and I became good friends with another couple. We have both had families since then, and have exchanged birthday and Christmas gifts.
In recent years we have grown apart, both in friendship and in miles. I would like to stop the exchange of gifts, as our friendship has definitely gone by the wayside, but I don't know how to approach the couple with this suggestion without offending them.
Any help you can give me would be greatly appreciated. -- NOT CHEAP, JUST PRACTICAL
DEAR PRACTICAL: Be absolutely up front with this couple. Come Thanksgiving, write a note to say that you are thankful for friends with whom you can be completely honest, then suggest: "From now on, let us exchange only Christmas cards -- no gifts." I assure you they will not be offended. Trust me.
Hot off the press -- Abby's new booklet, "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a long, business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054. (Postage is included.)