Ask Someone Else's Mom by Susan Writer

Is New Guy Moving Too Fast?

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I was married almost straight out of high school. My husband was my first, and so far only. He and I separated last year, and he is filing for divorce. He has someone else he wants to move forward with, and that’s strangely fine, since we had not been happy for a long time.

Right before everything shut down, I had met a guy through a mutual friend. We only went out once before we had to switch to video dates. Like me, he was with someone for a long time and has only been single again since right before my husband and I split up.

We learned a lot about each other during our virtual dates, and it seems we have a lot more than failed relationships in common. I get a good feeling about him, but now that we are able to get back to dating normally, I think he is going to want to move things into the bedroom, and I honestly don’t think I’m ready for that yet.

I also do not want to have him lose interest and start looking elsewhere if I take too long, since he is ready to find someone he can start a serious relationship with.

How do I let him know I could be that someone, but that I need a little more time than a lot of other women out there? --- NOT BEEN AROUND MUCH

DEAR NOT BEEN AROUND MUCH: From your letter, it’s hard to tell if you have reason to believe the new guy has made it clear he’s ready for bed, or if you’re projecting what he wants. Either way, since you’re both coming from serious, long-term relationships, it’s not unreasonable to be ambivalent about when to take the next steps and what they should be.

If he’s not directly pressuring you into intimacy, maybe you should just see how it goes now that you’re able to spend real time together. On the other hand, if he’s told you he’s ready for sex, then the time has come to let him know you’re not comfortable going there just yet.

If he sees real value in what you’ve begun together from a distance, hopefully he’ll give you the time you need. Otherwise, sleeping with the guy just because you don’t want him to move on probably isn’t the best game plan.

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