Ask Dr. Nerdlove by Harris O'Malley

How Do I Someone Interested in Casual Sex?

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I want to have casual sex with women, but it feels like there’s no way a guy can communicate this without being seen as creepy, shamed, or demonized.

Ask her off the bat? “Eww, too forward!”

Ask her after getting to know her? “I don’t see you like that!” followed by all future interactions being tainted and her likely telling anyone we know I’m creepy.

Ask her after sex is on the table or we’ve already had sex? “You are awful, leading me on like that!”

So what are we supposed to do? It’s not like we can read women’s minds and know exactly what they want. How do I get to the point where we can just communicate like adults, and she can say “no thanks” instead of demonizing me for having different desires than her?

To clarify, I’m not looking for something that works 100% on all women at all times, I’m trying to not be seen as evil just for stepping over an invisible line I had no way of knowing even existed.

No Strings On Me

DEAR NO STRINGS ON ME: The answer is pretty simple: you look for folks who want something casual. There are plenty of folks on dating apps who are looking for short term relationships or don’t want anything serious. Similarly, being up front about what you are and aren’t up for makes it easier for the folks looking for some no-strings, casual fun to find you.

But before you do that, I think you need to take a moment and stop anticipating fights that haven’t actually happened. You give me a list of things you expect to happen or imagine happening… but not experiences you’ve actually had. You’re coming to this under the assumption that you’re going to end up in trouble for wanting a casual hook-up and that’s going to color the way you interact with people and ultimately drive them off.

The thing to keep in mind is that lots of women would be up for a casual hook-up; it’s just that most of the time it’s not worth it for them because the guys who are also looking for casual sex are likely to call them sluts and whores for having the same sex that they wanted. Women are much more interested in sleeping with a guy who’s discrete, polite, safe and non-judgmental. That’s a guy who’s far more likely to care about their pleasure and fulfillment and not be an asshole to them immediately afterwards.

So if you want to start finding folks who are down for a one night stand or a f

kbuddy relationship, start by coming to it from a place of collaboration. Here’s what you’re into and what you bring  to the table, here’s what they’re looking for and what they bring, what happens when the two of you put those things together? Once you can get into that mindset, then it’s time to start looking around on OKCupid or Tinder or FetLife and seeing who’s around and who’s down to get down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My situation is that I’ve been in a relationship with “Angela” for the past 3 1/2 years. Some of that was long distance and the other was live in. There is a 10 year age difference, I’m 38, she 28. We come from different backgrounds and cultures. To get to the point. When we met, within a short period of time she knew that I had religious ties to an organization in my past. I even have a tattoo associated with this belief. In the beginning and basically for the past 3 years she hasn’t really had any objections until recently. Now, it’s a huge problem. She gets so angry that I believe in something she thinks is ridiculous and can’t understand why I just don’t see her point of view and give it up or be less religious. I should add, I’m perfectly tolerant of her atheism, I have no issue with her and don’t get upset with her about it. Live and let live is my motto. This is why it’s so hard to hear the things she says and it causes huge arguments because I, according to her don’t change my belief. Today it has come to a crunch, where I basically had to argue chapter 18 of the charter of Human Rights that gives me the right to believe what I want. She still doesn’t get it and blames it on me.

What do I do?

Man Of Faith

DEAR MAN OF FAITH: What do you do? You break the f

k up with her, right the hell now.

It’s one thing to not be a fan of organized religion personally; it’s another to berate and insult other people because they are.2 This is doubly true when it comes to your3 partner in a relationship. You may not share their belief (or lack thereof). You may even think that it’s absurd. You don’t even have to respect their beliefs, but if you love and care for them and want the relationship to work then you need to respect that they believe that way. If you’re both intractably set in your ways, being willing to live and let live is going to be key to lasting happiness.

But when one partner uses their faith or (again) lack thereof as a cudgel to start fights and insult their partner? It’s time to peace the f

k out.

The problem here isn’t your faith or her atheism, it’s her. It would be one thing if this were an occasional (good-natured) debate, or if you could disagree without it escalating to full-scale arguments. Hell, if it hadn’t been escalating, I’d say maybe you two could work things out and find a sort of detente, an agree-to-disagree arrangement and just politely pretending the difference isn’t there. But the fact that she is continually bringing your faith up and attacking you for not abandoning it? That’s abusive behavior, it’s getting worse and it’s time to get the f

k out.

This isn’t about the incompatibility of different beliefs. This is about one partner abusing the other and this isn’t going to get better.

Dump her. Dump her right now. You deserve better than this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com