Ask Dr. Nerdlove by Harris O'Malley

I Met My Dream Woman. Is This Too Good To Be True?

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I remember your ‘Geek Girl’ post on your blog, about the fantasized nerdy girl who will play video games with you and then f--k your brains out, who is also a model. It’s fantasy, not real, except when it is. Or is there a catch?

I met one, or rather, she met me. She’s a model, red head (a plus), plays video games, and get this, is an artist/animator too!  But. . . she has a boyfriend, who she is having issues with.  This doesn’t mean the game is up, after all she contacted me, we hit it off, and she was quick to let me know that the relationship is not a stable one. Subtle hints perhaps?

Now comes the real complications. She has also confided in me that she has multiple financial issues, can’t get a job, doesn’t really have a place to stay (is moving between friends), and I realized that recently I was listening to all this for about 30-40 minutes on the phone while just nodding my head and going ‘mhm’.

Am I becoming the white knight? It’s in the back of my mind.  I want her to get a job, reach her goals on her own and not present myself as that savior, or person she can depend on. I’m looking for someone to hang out with, have fun, and have sex, and not to worry constantly about ‘if she needs me’ or anything so dramatic. I feel as though she might be trying to push me in that direction, or at least into the friend zone, perhaps involuntarily by needing someone to vent to. I see that pit and I don’t want to fall in, but at the same time this girl is amazing and I’d like to keep the relationship going. 

What’s a nerd to do?

Animators In Lurve

DEAR ANIMATORS IN LURVE: Let’s see: gorgeous girl – a redhead even (BONUS), model and artist contacts you out of the blue; I’m assuming it’s via a dating site or something similar, since you don’t say. She can’t pay her bills. She doesn’t have a steady address. Can’t find a job.

Oh, and she’s got a boyfriend buuuuuuuut… it may or may not be on the rocks.

Am I really going to have to say it?

You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?

OK, fine:

IT’S A TRAP.

So let’s game out this scenario a little. She’s into you, but she has a boyfriend. But hey, that relationship may be ending soon… and wouldn’t you look like an awesome dude if you were able to help her out with her problems a little? Not that she’ll ever suggest that you should, in fact, she’ll be quite shocked if you made the offer, even push back against it. But it’s so hard bouncing from couch to couch and the job market’s so goddamn tough right now. And did she mention that she and her boyfriend had another fight? She has no idea why she’s still with him really…

Your issue isn’t with risking being a White Knight, it’s with risking getting conned.

Now I’m not saying she’s a gold-digger, but I AM saying saying that this is looking an awful lot like someone’s trying to find herself a sucker.

Frankly, everything about this is setting my Spider-Sense to tingling.

In fairness: yeah, it’s hard out there right now. The job market still sucks, there’s a pandemic on and there are plenty of people having to couch-surf in order to have a place to sleep. However, I’ve been gulled before though (though thankfully not to the point of serious financial involvement) and this sounds entirely too much like a con job to me.

Y’see, that Schrodinger’s Boyfriend of hers is the honey-pot; that’s what she’s going to be dangling over your head as the incentive to help her out. It’ll always be juuuuuust out of reach, but maybe if she were able to get back on her feet she might actually leave him. It’s that potential that makes it so attractive. What we can’t have is always more appealing than what we can, and so her relationship status will always be in flux – tantalizingly close, but far enough out of reach that it you still aren’t able to grasp it (and by “it”, I mean her body). She’ll never outright ask for your help finding a job. Or to crash at your place. Or to loan her a little money to keep her on her feet… because it’s way more powerful if you think it’s YOUR idea. Especially if you think it’ll get you closer to what you want – her.

Whether you want her to love you for being her savior or whether you just want to tap that is irrelevant to her; your wallet and/or ability to provide her with things (like a job) is.

You don’t say whether you’ve met this girl in person; I’m guessing you haven’t. I’m further willing to bet that you’re gonna have a hard time managing to convince her to meet up. She will likely have a very plausible reason why she can’t hang out with you or Skype or FaceTime with you, but wants to keep talking via email, WhatsApp and the phone. Why? Because I’m willing to put down actual money that she doesn’t really look like her pictures.

Maybe she does. Maybe she’s willing to meet up in person. That wouldn’t really assuage my suspicions; it just means she’s a little bolder than others out there. Doesn’t matter.

This whole thing stinks to high-heaven and you should be proceeding with absolute caution if you insist on trying to keep things going. Do not offer her money or assistance in finding a job or a place to stay. If she hints at it, you can point out relevant listings on Craigslist or NextDoor. Watch out for hints of how “grateful” she would be for some help. She may have a sudden “emergency”. She may even get mad at you or try to guilt you into helping her. You must, must remain non-reactive. If I’m right – and I’m certain I am – she’ll be looking for any leverage she might be able to use to get at you before she moves on to an easier mark.

Remember: the penis has no conscience, no memory and no ability to look more than 20 minutes ahead and she’ll have no problems using this against you. Keep your blood in your brain, not in your shorts.

I could be wrong. She could be legit.

But I seriously doubt it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com