Ask Dr. Nerdlove by Harris O'Malley

Am I Too Hopeless For Women?

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My experience with women is quite low. I had at the age of 24 my first time intercourse without an orgasm (and what was for me far more awkward) she also had none. Prior it I had just a few experiences which could be counted under “clothed lapdance” or “heavy petting”, no blowjob yet. Since I’m now already 30 I worry that I’m totally incompatible with women.

I see two or better three problems:

– my shyness. I can’t beat that silly shyness that keeps me from talking to girls that I like. Even alcohol won’t help. The really few attempts I sounded like an idiot, almost stuttered and left while the girls turned their backs to me.

– my remaining virginity. since I haven’t had much experience with girls (heck, I never kissed, nor did I learn how) 

– my handicap: broken kidneys and dialysis. Because of it my interest in girls started with 19 or 20 first. My self-confidence for my body suffered a bit by it since my arm has some scars and a bigger lump, doesn’t make sexy.

So, I could need some advise how I could attract women since at the moment I can visit bars or clubs… somehow I’m the one standing at the bar or in the corner without company, ignored by the females.

Can you give me a hint?

Kind regards!


DEAR NOOB: You’re not incompatible with women.

I know our culture likes to emphasize the idea that a man is not a virgin, but there’s nothing wrong with being inexperienced at 30. At worst, you’re a little on the right hand side of the bell-curve. That’s it.

You had something of a late start due to medical issues and that’s perfectly fine. It’s the pressure you’re putting on yourself to make up for lost time and to match up to an imaginary and self-imposed standard that’s causing you stress.

Take your inability to orgasm during your first time at penetration; that’s actually incredibly common for guys, especially virgins. The idea that all virgin men pop their corks the instant penis meets vagina is a myth; some guys take incredibly long to reach orgasm and others don’t orgasm at all, for any number of reasons. The sensations are completely different from what they’re used to, they may be letting the stress of trying to impress their partner get to them or they may not be getting the type of sensation they need.

(And, I might add, women frequently don’t have orgasms the first time with a new partner. The first time with a new partner can often be a semi-awkward experience as everybody tries to sort out what this partner likes that their other partner didn’t, worrying about body issues, etc.)

Here’s the thing: your issues are mostly in your head. They’re phantasms that you’re letting psyche you out.

Let’s take your virginity issue: you’re relatively inexperienced. Big fat hairy deal. This is only as much of an issue as you let it be. Most women are going to follow your lead; if you roll it out as though it’s a huge problem, they’re going to respond as though it’s a huge problem. If you roll it out like it’s no big deal – or, better, a bonus – they’ll respond accordingly. You may or may not encounter the rare woman who freaks out at the idea of a virgin your age, but that’s her problem, not yours. She is the weird one and to be perfectly frank, you don’t want to be sticking your d

k in that anyway.

You want someone who will be willing to respect you for you, not for how many partners you may or may not have had. Someone who actually cares about you will be willing to guide you along, as long as you have a can-do attitude and a willingness to take direction and advice without letting your ego get in the way.

It’s the same with your physical issues. You don’t want to roll them out to someone as though you’re as fragile as a piece of glass and you could fall apart at any moment. It’s the opposite: you’re a strong son of a bitch who’s managed to survive the world’s best attempts to kill you.

Like the saying goes: when life gets tough, that’s because God’s afraid of your progress.

Scars can be disconcerting to some yes, but people will get used to them as they get to know you. Again, it’s all in your presentation. Hiding them and treating them like they’re shameful can make others react as though they should see them as something to be ashamed of. They’re not unsexy skin deformations, they’re proof that you’ve taken some of the worst that the world’s thrown at you and survived.

And hey, nobody says they have to stay the way they are. A friend of mine who’s undergone a significant number of surgeries in order to correct spinal defects has gotten his scars tattooed over and they look remarkably bad-ass.  You might find it useful to talk to a tattoo artist about the possibility of working them into a design.

Now the shyness can be a tough problem to crack. It can be difficult to overcome a lifetime of shyness, especially when it’s coupled with insecurities. If you have an honest-to-God panic attack at approaching women, you may want to talk to a therapist who specializes in social anxiety. If it’s an issue of approaching people that you’re attracted to, I recommend a process of systematic desensitization, where you get yourself used to approaching people by slowly building up the level of contact from “asking for the time” to “asking for a date”. 

And don’t limit yourself by sticking to trying to meet women at bars or clubs. While these can be great places to meet people, they may not be places that match your personality or where you’re going to find the women you’re interested in. I’ve written fairly extensively about where you can go to meet women that AREN’T bars or clubs — such as bookstores, MeetUps, classes, networking events and more. Choosing some lower-pressure venues – or online dating for that matter – might be more along the lines of what you’re looking for.

Good luck.

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