DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been through an ordeal that is really tempting me to swallow the red or black pill. My girlfriend of nearly a year dumped me. She said I was too nice, a pushover, cute but not sexy, and she wants to see other people.
So she dumped me, but later tried to bargain an open relationship but I put my foot down and said no. Things were good through most the time as far as I can tell and she even admits that early on things were great and the sex was pretty good. But as time went on she expressed some sentiments that stirred greater insecurity in me. I developed a premature ejaculation problem but we still had pretty damn good sessions at several points throughout the months.
But now I feel like everything the incels believe is true, she’s going off to see the chads while I’m left to rot in all the insecurities that were just confirmed. I feel resigned to swallow the red or black pill and just cannot bring myself to believe in any optimistic projection given by my friends, family, or those such as yourself. Where do I go from here?
At The Crossroads
DEAR AT THE CROSSROADS: There’s some critical information you haven’t given me, ATC: you haven’t told me how long it was between when your girlfriend dumped you and then asked if you were ok with an open relationship and how long it’s been since the two of you ended things for good.
Because, honestly? You sound like this happened a couple of weeks ago and you’re still hurting from the fact that you were dumped. And hey, that’s legit. Being dumped is an awful feeling. But it sounds to me like you’ve been sitting around and stewing in your resentment instead of doing what I usually recommend for the newly single.
As it is, the only things that the Red Pill (Reddit-based men’s rights movements) and the Black Pill (Incel communities) actually offer you is justification for your anger. All either of these are intended to do is keep you feeling awful and make you angry at women for… well, pretty much for existing and not being mindless sex-dolls.
Hey, man, I get that you’re hurt. But I’m gonna be honest with you: right now, you’re mostly looking for reasons to STAY angry with her. And hey, I get it. I’ve been there, done that and built a career out of it. I got dumped by someone I thought was the perfect girl just after I got fired from what I thought was the perfect job. And at the time? The most charitable thing I called her – when I wasn’t trying to be above it all – was a stinking pirate wh
e. But the truth is that anger eats at you. It may feel good to hate and to lash out at that bitch as what done you wrong at first. But honestly? There’s only so long you can insist that God has s
t in your dinner before you are just angry for anger’s sake.
I mean, none of the various flavors of Men’s Rights Advocates –not the Red Pillers, not the MGTOWs, not the incels are actually happy. The incels are all currently crabs in a bucket, busily sharing “suicide fuel” trying to goad each other into being the first to off themselves and everyone else is busy arguing over who hates the femoids more.
Now, let’s look at what you’ve actually said about your relationship. First: your girlfriend told you that you were too nice and a push-over. Ok… that’s valid. It sounds a little paradoxical – how could someone be too nice? – but nobody worth dating actually likes being with a doormat. Being the only person with an opinion in a relationship is shockingly draining; it feels like the other person has basically abdicated their entire being to you. Being someone who actually has some spine, an opinion, some confidence is an important part of making a relationship work.
But let’s look at this next part. So your ex wanted to see other people. Not going to lie, that can sting. Some people don’t do monogamy well, and if you’re one of those people who needs exclusivity, that can really hurt. You’re left asking yourself “why am I not enough?” Except it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Some people ultimately need novelty and new partners. Now someone call Sir Mix-A-Lot because there’s a huge “but” coming…
It’s not that your ex didn’t care for you, or that she didn’t enjoy banging you, ATC. In fact, the fact that she came back after you broke up and asked about an open relationship is as clear of a sign that she enjoyed being in a relationship with you… it’s just that she couldn’t be exclusive with you. I mean, come on. She’s seeing other guys but she’s asking if she can come back for you, specifically. That’s a pretty big sign that no, she DOES want you, too.
Now, that wasn’t a relationship you wanted or could handle and that’s fair. That’s valid. But the fact of the matter is that while she didn’t care for you the way you need, it doesn’t mean that she didn’t care as best she could. You just weren’t compatible is all. Which again, completely sucks… but at the end of the day, that’s life. It’s better to find that out sooner, than later.
Look my dude. If you want to sit around stroking your rage boner, that’s your prerogative. But that’s all it is; empty angry masturbation. If you want to actually feel better, actually let the pain fade away? Then you need to take care of yourself and give yourself some closure.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My fiancé is crazy and controlling. She has pretty much isolated me from all of my friends. All of my friends actually hate her. They think she is trying to change me and forcing me into a lifestyle I’m not ready for. We even share a cellphone because she doesn’t want me messaging people without her knowing. If she doesn’t want to do something, we sure as hell will not do it because she has the final say in everything. We even work together and share a house together and we’re supposed to be getting married in October. I’m honestly not sure if I’m ready. She wants kids and I really don’t like kids. I’m still deeply in love with my ex-girlfriend. If she ever got married, I think it would destroy me. I think she is my real match in every way but she lives really far away and always seems to be in a relationship. I don’t think she will ever be ready to settle down. I know she still cares about me too but again, she’s far away. She has been e-mailing me for 2 years now because we used to be best friends for years before we dated and my fiancee forced me to stop talking to her even though I really want to speak with her. I think I’m settling for my fiancee. I’m afraid to be alone and now I’m getting near my 30’s and I just don’t want to be the last person to be getting married and starting a life. What should I do?
DEAR COLD FEET: I’m just curious, CF, did you see this horror movie that came out last year? Made a big splash, lotta Oscar nominations? First time director? What was it called again?
Quite frankly my dude, you’re giving this list of things your fiancee does and I don’t quite get how in the pluperfect hell she became your fiancee in the first place. Like… are you being held hostage? Does she have your soul in a jar? Blink twice if she has your soul in a jar.
More seriously: you DO realize that you don’t have to be with her right? Like, you can break up with her. Right now even. Right this second. Before you even finish reading this. You could dump her so hard that her great grandparents would say “dude what was that?”
You could, and I’m just spitballing here, ditch your phone, change all of your passwords, clean out your bank account, pack up your things, get copies of all of your important documents, throw it in your car, and get the hell out of there over the course of a morning and be entirely free of this entire mess. Because, honestly? You sound like someone who’s asking permission to make a jailbreak.
So hey, permission granted. Your fiancee is a controlling, abusive awful and you need to get out of there like all of Hell and half of Hoboken were after you.
Right now, your ex-girlfriend isn’t a concern. What you should be doing is paying attention to the fact that your fiancee is waving more red flags than a military parade in Tiananmen Square. Because if any of these behaviors sound familiar:
Insult you or humiliate you, especially in front of your friends and colleagues
Belittle you, minimize your accomplishments and repeatedly tell you that you’re worthless or a failure
Tell you that their abusive behavior is your fault
Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or require you to “prove” you’re not cheating on them
Keep constant tabs on you, demanding that you check in with them regularly. They may also monitor where you go and with whom
Isolate you from your friends and family
Accuse your friends and family of lying in order to “drive you apart”
Restrict your access to money or finances
Use or deny sex and intimacy as a form of control
Snoop through your emails, texts, instant messages, phone calls and social media profiles
Hide your keys or your phone to keep you from seeking out help
Use false accusations (or the threat of accusations) of abuse to keep you in line
…then it’s time to recognize that you’re in an awful, abusive relationship and you need to peace the hell out, Cub Scout.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)