I'm sorry to have to tell you this, America, but Andrew Cotto is done defending you to his European friends at dinner parties.
There's no use begging. You brought this on yourself -- as Cotto explains in his Salon.com article, "My American exceptionalism fantasy is over: How these midterms sealed the deal." You may not be aware, but Cotto is a novelist no one has heard of and also teaches creative writing at CUNY, so he's very big.
More bad news from Salon.com: "O'Reilly is losing, and he knows it." That's why Republicans swept everything from U.S. senator to substitute-part-time-dog catcher. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, Bill.
Also, Gov. Scott Walker's victory in Wisconsin, marking the third time he's crushed the left, should frankly embarrass Republicans. Liberals didn't care about Wisconsin, you idiots! As Ana Marie Cox explained on The Daily Beast, Walker was, I quote, "too boring to beat."
Are you humiliated yet, Wisconsin? Just wait, there's more. At the Walker victory party, Cox wrote, attendees "left half-empty plastic cups in neat little formations around the edges of the stage." And get this: They went home 30 minutes after Walker spoke and "there was still beer left."
Wait a minute. Are you telling me they didn't get sh*tfaced, pour their drinks on the floor, puke all over and break the furniture? What losers.
I don't fool myself into thinking this is going to convince Cotto and Cox to lose their contempt for you, America -- you're just going to have to live with that -- but I have some commendations and assignments.
Libertarians and tea partiers, you were fantastic this election. I have a lot on my plate right now, so it's kind of a relief that I'm not going to have to drown you.
Third-party libertarian voters didn't cause us to lose any elections, except probably in Virginia, where Republican Ed Gillespie nearly pulled off a come-from-behind shocker. But no one saw that one coming -- other than, presumably, the people who ran Gillespie's amazing Redskins campaign commercial. Those GOP consultants should win whatever big awards political consultants win.
We'll call that one an unintentional error by libertarians. Just remember Gillespie the next time you're thinking of casting a protest vote. Unless it's against Marco Rubio, in which case, you may cut loose.
Tea partiers prevented an outright Republican win only in Louisiana, which doesn't matter because there's a runoff. They are now united behind Bill Cassidy. BUT DON'T TAKE THE RUNOFF FOR GRANTED, REPUBLICANS.
Democrats are perfectly happy to play possum -- Oh, who cares about this election? We're already conceding it -- while working furiously behind the scenes to turn out their voters.
It's a lame-duck Congress until January, so Republicans better be putting everything they have into winning that Dec. 6 runoff. There's a big difference between having 53 Senate seats and 54.
Don't come to me in January and say, Yeah, we got bored, it was cold, I forgot to vote. I promise you, the Democrats aren't bored. They want that seat. As I explained in "Never Trust a Liberal Over 3," Republican voters lose an election and they go back to work. Democratic voters lose an election and they're out of work.
In return for the tea party not being spasmodic and pushing crazy candidates this election, the GOP establishment had better abandon its corporate-benefactor-pleasing ways.
People who voted Republican took the attitude of "We're giving you one more chance." They are not going to back off, and they can't be tricked or lied to. They're looking the GOP in the eye and saying: We're not fooling around: Amnesty is dead, right?
Republicans won by ignoring the establishment when it said, Don't criticize amnesty! and ignoring the tea party when it said, Let's run candidates like Christine O'Donnell!
Don't confuse who's good at what here.
The establishment has to drop amnesty and the tea party has got to drop -- for now -- demands for government shutdowns to repeal Obamacare.
Without the presidency, Republicans' sole objective for the next two years is to keep sending Obama bills that 80 percent of Americans will support. They can pass some great legislation -- and they'll also force Democrats into votes that won't be easy to explain to their constituents.
Republicans might start by dusting off that bill requiring Congress to live under Obamacare.
Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has played a lousy hand well, and now, for the first time, he'll have a majority. Even in the minority, McConnell got every single Republican to vote against Obamacare and tricked the president into automatic spending cuts with the sequester -- an amazing triumph later blown by idiots like Paul Ryan.
There's enormous potential. As McConnell's speech the day after the election reminded me: Isn't it great to have someone who can talk? I can barely remember the last time Republicans had a leader who spoke in sentences that scan in English.
Do not blow this, Republicans. Andrew Cotto may be done defending America at dinner parties, but a majority of voters are giving you one more chance.