DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Firstly, I want to say thank you. Your column has helped me think about my relationships and approach people much more confidently.
That said, my love life has slowed down a lot lately, and it frustrates me. The way I see it, the problem is twofold: Firstly, I travel a lot. I’m almost done with college, which means there are two months left before I move to a different state for seasonal work. Once that’s over, my next job is in a different country. With all this moving around, I don’t think I can support anything more than a short-term relationship or a casual FWB.
That brings me to the second issue: not knowing where to start. despite wanting a casual/short-term relationship, I’ve never been into (or even understood) the college hookup scene. That’s partly because I’m extremely hit or miss with subtext, and terrible at flirting when I’m not being comically over-the-top about it. I also prefer a “live and let live” approach, not saying more than what needs to be said, but that doesn’t work when trying to get a girl’s attention, so it takes a ton of mental energy and fighting with myself just to muster the confidence to talk to a girl. And when I do talk to a girl, I don’t know what to say or how to say it in a way that signals interest. It certainly doesn’t help that social life at my school is very cliquey. Most of the people I find attractive already don’t want to talk to me because I’m friends with someone they don’t like, or I’m not part of their immediate social circle or something like that.
Basically, I want a casual relationship because it’s what I know I can commit to. Something more serious would be great, but I’m not at all ready for that, mostly because of traveling. On the other hand, finding a casual relationship has me missing my shot, or never working up the courage to take it in the first place.
It sometimes feels like with everything going on, it’s not even worth it to think about love and relationships, but I’m not ready to give up yet, so what do you think I should do?
Sincerely,
The Double-Decker of Relationship Issues
DEAR DOUBLE-DECKER OF RELATIONSHIP ISSUES: I can tell you already that the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have. Your problem is that you are severely overthinking everything and making assumptions based off things that haven’t even happened. That’s leaping off the page before I even get to the final paragraph. You’re twisting yourself into knots and telling me about all the things that you can and can’t do and why X Y and Z don’t work before you even get to your question.
So before you start writing off relationships or saying “I can’t do X because I’m friends with person Y”, just slow your roll, stop worrying about trying to run a marathon before you’ve finished even lacing up your shoes.
Part of the problem is that you’re starting from the end. You say you want a casual relationship except maybe you don’t but also you have to accept it because you can’t really do a more committed one. Well, before we worry about that, how about we focus more on just talking to people? After all, you have to figure out if you even like someone well enough to want to possibly make 20 minutes of squishing noises, never mind what kind of relationship you might be able to have with them.
After all, just because someone’s physically attractive to you doesn’t mean that you would actually want to have anything to do with them. That’s the question you should be answering before trying to determine the kind of relationship that might be possible.
The biggest issue I’m seeing in your letter isn’t that you don’t know how to flirt or signal interest, it’s that you seem like you’re trying to avoid talking at all. “Live and let live” is a fine philosophy for people who don’t actually have any impact in your life – someone else’s relationship model or religious beliefs, for example – but it’s a fucking failure when it comes to relationships. Saying “what needs to be said and no more”, likewise, comes off as “I wish not to be beheld or interacted with,” which isn’t great for, y’know, socializing. Silent Bob gets away with it because he’s fictional and Kevin Smith writes his scripts to accommodate that character. It doesn’t work nearly as well in reality.
This is also part of why I question whether your school is actually as clique-y as you say. Are you sure it’s that Person X doesn’t want to talk to you because you’re friends with Person Y, or are you letting your anxiety come up with excuses as to why you shouldn’t bother trying to talk to them in the first place?
So here’s my advice: Right now, you want to focus on just socializing and being in the moment. You’re so busy thinking twelve steps ahead that you’ve forgotten how to say “hello”. This is part of why you have to psych yourself up and wrestle with trying to make the first move. You’ve convinced yourself that you’re in negative points before you’ve opened your mouth and you have to have a game plan to get to where you need to be and oh shit you don’t know how to do that.
Well, yeah. That’s because the cart’s so far before the horse that it’s in a different goddamn county. You don’t know this person and you’re already trying to plan out how you’re going to say “Look, I can’t do committed are you down for something casual?” Small wonder you’re struggling.
Well, it’s time to let all of that go. You need to start from a position of just thinking someone’s interesting and wanting to have a good conversation. Period. Everything after that is a bonus. You are so hung up on the outcome that you’ve turned a conversation into something that you can fail. What you want is to be outcome independent, setting yourself up in ways so that no matter what happens, you come out ahead. Had a good conversation with someone new? Winner, winner, chicken dinner. Got plans to hang out and have coffee later? Even better. Got a phone number or more? Hot damn son, you’re on fire. But even just “hey, I talked to a pretty girl and didn’t spontaneously combust” is a win. Realizing that you don’t need things to go perfectly or that it was only worth your time if you achieved X is going to be infinitely better for you and your self-confidence.
Here’s what you need to start a conversation with someone: you think they’re interesting and would like to get to know them. That’s the mindset you want. Not “how do I do this so that by the end I have the chance to see about maybe turning this into a casual fling”, not “what societal minefield do I need to dance through in order to get a date”. You want “I think there’s something interesting or cool about you and I would like to know more”.
This, however, means that you have to be willing to drop that whole “live and let live” business as the excuse it is. And it is an excuse. It’s not some high-minded philosophy of navigating the world with zen-like serenity, it’s a way of excusing yourself from having to actually put yourself out there and risking letting other people getting to know you. You want to date people? You want people to be interested in you enough to have a relationship, whether casual or long-term? You’re going to have to start being more than Two Word Tommy and actually hold up your end of the conversation.
Now there’re ways of doing this that don’t require you to be as quippy as Ryan Reynolds or a motormouth Peter Parker. The easiest way to keep the conversation going is to show interest in the other person, ask questions and relate to their answers. They’re into skydiving? Oh hey that’s cool; you don’t know if you could do that because you’re terrified of heights but you live the idea of it. How’d they get into it in the first place? They like hanging out at the botanical gardens and sketching the flowers? Awesome, you do the same thing except at museums. What’re their favorite plants? Are they into it for the science or the art of it?
The trick is, simply, that you ask questions about them and the things they’re interested in and show interest in what they have to say. It’s like the old PUA line of “What do you have going for you besides your looks?” except instead of coming to it from a place of judgement, the subtext is “what is it about you that would make you a good match for me?” You’re asking them what makes them cool and then saying “hey, that does make you cool, that’s awesome!” People in general and women in particular rarely get a chance to talk about the things that interest them to someone who actually wants to listen. Someone giving them that opportunity is giving them a gift, and one they’ll both greatly appreciate and remember.
Flirting is, likewise, less complicated than you’re making it out to be. Signaling interest is as easy as saying “hey, I like you”. Flirting is ultimately saying “I like you” in a fun and interesting way. What it looks like is ultimately up to the personality of the people involved. For some, it’s light teasing. For others it’s about agreeing and amplifying and playing things out in a mini role-play or game of improv. For still others it’s saying flat out “no, for real, I think you’re incredible.” Hell, for some it’s “I want to know what you like because I want to understand you and appreciate it the way you do.”
As I’ve said many times before: don’t worry so much about the subtext. If you’re not someone who’s good at subtext, then say that. Let people know you’re someone who appreciates being straight forward, values it, even. Being willing to say what you mean and mean what you say, instead of couching it and hiding it in plausibly deniable ways can be as refreshing as a cold drink of water on a hot day, especially in an environment where people act like actually showing interest is a sign of weakness. If Gomez Addams can eschew subtext for joi de vivre, you at the very least can own the fact that you like someone and not need to feel like you have to hide it.
By the same token, don’t worry about cliques, don’t worry about what happens in the remaining months until graduation and leaving school. Work on just being social. Be someone that people like to talk to and who likes to talk and get to know people. Don’t worry so much about the cliques and who’s “allowed” to talk to whom, especially when at least 75% of that is in your head, not reality.
If, over the course of talking to someone you decide you like them and you feel like you’re catching a vibe? Cool, invite them to continue the conversation elsewhere. Maybe you grab coffee in the student union. Maybe you two can go play board games at a nifty café in town. Or grab ice cream or take a walk, check out a museum exhibit you’d been talking about. Boom, congrats, you’ve got a date.
Go on a couple of dates and then you are in a position where you might want to talk about what kind of relationship you could have. But let’s not concern ourselves about that until it’s actually time to think about that. And the time to think about that is not before you’ve so much as said “hello”.
Stop putting unnecessary obstacles in your way, DDRI. It really is much simpler than you think. Be in the moment, not obsessed about a future that may never even be relevant. You’ll be a lot happier, a lot more confident and the skills you’ll develop with this mindset will make Future You’s life much more interesting and rewarding.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com