The Village Idiot

Or Forever Hold Your Peace

Every week we read the wedding announcements in the paper. What the bride wore, where it took place, the name of the officiant, what the bridegroom does, who their parents are and what the parents do for a living.

It all sounds like a wonderful fairytale -- who wouldn’t want to get married? Weddings are fun.

Marriage, not so much. Maybe they should publish a “Marriage Update” after five years or so to see what happened after all those wonderful weddings. How would those updates read?

-- Milford-Trout Marriage Update

Jenny Milford, daughter of Sally and John Milford of Middletown, married Everly Trout, son of Elma and Vernon Trout of Littleville, in 2011.

”Why she wanted a big church wedding, I’ll never know,” said her soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law. “As far as we can tell, that was the first and last time she’s ever been in a church. I told Everly he was too young, but who ever listens to me?”

Jenny Trout says she was never so happy in her life. For about the first year and a half.

”Then, while I’m pregnant with the second baby, Everly started staying out every night drinking with his old high school buddies. If he wants to be single, fine. Go be single. Go marry one of your floozies and make HER life miserable.”

The Trouts have two children, Verna and Mava, and are still paying off their honeymoon cruise to the Bahamas.

-- Bickford-Wallstone Marriage Update

Imogene Bickford, daughter of Dr. Delancy Bickford of Cos Cob and Siddartha Bickford of the Vishnu Ashram near Cloudcroft, New Mexico, married Bellingham Coopersmith Wallstone, son of the late B.C. Wallstone IV and Wallenda Wallstone Bassington of Boston and West Palm Beach, in 2012.

”I’m busy with my feng shui consulting business, and Bell has whatever it is he does down at the office all day long,” said Imogene. ”Honestly, I don’t think he knows, either. It’s just something he does to get out of the house. We have two beautiful children who hate us and mock us and rarely even acknowledge our presence. So we sent them off to boarding school in Switzerland. Who needs pouting children around the house? It’s so boring. Most of our old college chums are on their second or third spouses, so I guess we’re the old married couple of the group.”

Bellingham is a defendant in two major class-action lawsuits involving stock fraud and embezzlement. He could not be reached for comment, and is believed to be out of the country.

-- Ryman-O’Connor Marriage Update

Jill Ryman, daughter of Gene and Grace Ryman of Westlake Village, married Evan O’Connor, son of John and Sally O’Connor of Grandview, in 2009. They divorced in 2014.

”I found out years later he slept with one of my bridesmaids at the wedding reception,” said Jill. “I knew there was a problem, but I just thought he was drunk. As usual. I don’t know where I got such lousy taste in men. I’m Jill Plutoski now. There’s a Joe Plutoski out there somewhere, but I haven’t seen him in a dog’s age. He went off to work one day and never came back.”

-- Tate-Blowder Marriage Update

Michelle Tate, daughter of Michael and Estelle Tate of Hillside, married Kevin Blowder, son of Magnus Blowder of Minneapolis and Minnie Blowder-Hamden of Bowling Green, at Disneyworld in 2011. The wedding cost over $53,000.

”I have yet to see him change a diaper, do the laundry or pick even up a broom,” said Michelle of her husband of six years. ”I guess he gets it from his father. His mother told me that’s why she left him: She was tired of being the cleaning fairy that came in and picked up after him.

“Kevin doesn’t seem to notice we live in a pigsty, but he washes his stupid car six times a week. It’s spotless. Maybe we should go live in it.”

(Contact Jim Mullen at mullen.jim@gmail.com.)

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