DEAR HARRIETTE: My stepmother has never been a welcome member of our family due to her role in my parents' divorce. My siblings and I have never gotten her a present for her birthday or Christmas, and we usually send her a generic birthday or holiday text. Now that we are in our 20s, I brought up the idea of purchasing “Melanie” a gift for her birthday and was met with resistance from my sister, who cannot understand why I’d want to bury the hatchet.
Would buying Melanie a birthday present seem like I’ve forgiven her for her past? I just don’t think it’s healthy to drag out drama from decades ago. -- In the Present, Phoenix
DEAR IN THE PRESENT: Congratulations on attempting to turn the page in your family. Whatever occurred years ago is in the past. Your effort to acknowledge your stepmother in the present is smart for everyone. Believe it or not, holding on to grudges is more harmful to those holding on than on the object of their scorn. Letting go and forgiving is liberating for you and everyone else. You all deserve a fresh start. It doesn’t mean that you forget the past. It means that you choose to live in the here and now and figure out a way forward, preferably together.
Stay your course. Encourage your siblings to let go of their old wounds and to focus on today. Ask them to follow your lead and view your stepmother in terms of who she is and how she has been involved in your family over time. Make a concerted effort to establish a meaningful bond with her. She will never replace your mother, but she can and should be a positive part of your family dynamic.
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)