DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother passed away last year at the age of 74. I am in my 40s, and both of my children are independent and mostly out of the nest. After my mother's passing, I noticed my aunt, my mother's sister, become more integrated into the family. I didn't think much of it, but I now realize my aunt has essentially assumed my mother's position and brought a lot of the extended family together. Although I enjoy the newfound community we have formed, it bothers me that my aunt is trying to step in as a mother and grandmother figure to our family. I do not want her to ever replace my mother or think she has the power to do this. How can I thank her for bringing the family together after all of this time, but also ask her to stop trying to fill in the spots where my mother used to be? -- No Need for Replacements, Atlanta
DEAR NO NEED FOR REPLACEMENTS: You know in your heart what role your mother had in your life. Your aunt cannot fill that role, so there is no need for you to point that out. It will only prove hurtful to her. Instead, focus on the positive. Thank her for her love and support and for bringing the family together. Enjoy her for who she is.
(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)